I have spent most of the day in mindfulness, shaking off a head ache i received from the last interaction with my brother. Now for a little background.
Along my life long journey of rehabilitation from the forces in my family, it has been brought to my attention from several different psychotherapist that this journey must consist of, accepting the fact, that certain people in my family, that i was taught to love unconditionally, give my loyalty too and always abide by, are indeed the people that 'for the sake of my mental health' i have to distance myself from emotionally, or indeed cut them from my life.
With out a shadow of a doubt, this is the hardest thing that i haver ever had to do. I was born in to family that taught me that family is everything, that i should never turn my back on my family, that my family were always right and i should defend them at any cost. Once these beliefs had been set in stone in my psyche over decades of habitual teachings, i started to discover that i felt very uneasy with a lot of their customs, traditions and schemas. At that staged i realised i was trapped in a world that would lead me to years of suffering because i did not have the skill set to go against all a i knew.
I am 46 years old and i have spent the majority of my adult life, trying to separate myself from them and discover who i am with out their influence.
I am at the point where i have one final relationship that i am very much struggling to sever the tie, and that would be the relationship with my brother. He is the only person in my life that i have an unresolved conflict with, this is a relationship where love is the issue, more of an acceptance of each others emotional inabilities which leads to a disconnection of emotions.
As children, my Brothers, Sisters and myself (seven in total) were subject to foster parents, The NCH (The National Children's Home), living with relatives and spending the first five years of my life without my Mother and Father, and the traumas that put us all in that situation.
Within these traumas us as siblings have clung together and got ourselves through some enduring times and it is those enduring times that have made it hard to live with each other and indeed to live with out each other. Emotionally we have developed at different stages and as much as we all love each other, our ability to come together and converse can be very tricky to say the least.
It is for the reasons i have just mentioned that made the decisions of separating myself from these relationships, the most difficult thing i have ever had to do in my life, bar none, the fact that I am able to sit here and talk about how i am, finally, in a position where i am resolving my last relationship, for me is a frikin miracle. As there have been ample times where i believed that ending my life, would spare me the terror of having to cut myself of from the very same solders that stood by my side while we battled for our lives.
I now know, that because i am willing to go down with the sinking ship, doesn't mean i have too, just because i would sacrifice my life to spare the mental anguish of my siblings, doesn't mean i have to and because i would die for my family doesn't mean i have too. And that ladies and gentlemen is the most liberating lesson i believe i have ever learned.
I started to write a blog at the start of my studies with the OU, day one, day two and so on, before this point i had never writ in my life, no diary, no journal no other form of elf expression other than the theatrics of my voice and bodily movements, never read a book in my life. The point is, ever since i have started to write a blog, the emotional, phycological, development and impact is that it is having is astounding, just the simple act of writing has opened me up in a way that i could never imagined.
I feel free, free to say what ever i choose, with no fear only empowerment, free to talk about feelings, thoughts and emotions, i have been given a platform of expression that is incredible and educational. I know this sounds so simple to most, but thats me, simple.
Day 88 of OU studies.
I have spent most of the day in mindfulness, shaking off a head ache i received from the last interaction with my brother. Now for a little background.
Along my life long journey of rehabilitation from the forces in my family, it has been brought to my attention from several different psychotherapist that this journey must consist of, accepting the fact, that certain people in my family, that i was taught to love unconditionally, give my loyalty too and always abide by, are indeed the people that 'for the sake of my mental health' i have to distance myself from emotionally, or indeed cut them from my life.
With out a shadow of a doubt, this is the hardest thing that i haver ever had to do. I was born in to family that taught me that family is everything, that i should never turn my back on my family, that my family were always right and i should defend them at any cost. Once these beliefs had been set in stone in my psyche over decades of habitual teachings, i started to discover that i felt very uneasy with a lot of their customs, traditions and schemas. At that staged i realised i was trapped in a world that would lead me to years of suffering because i did not have the skill set to go against all a i knew.
I am 46 years old and i have spent the majority of my adult life, trying to separate myself from them and discover who i am with out their influence.
I am at the point where i have one final relationship that i am very much struggling to sever the tie, and that would be the relationship with my brother. He is the only person in my life that i have an unresolved conflict with, this is a relationship where love is the issue, more of an acceptance of each others emotional inabilities which leads to a disconnection of emotions.
As children, my Brothers, Sisters and myself (seven in total) were subject to foster parents, The NCH (The National Children's Home), living with relatives and spending the first five years of my life without my Mother and Father, and the traumas that put us all in that situation.
Within these traumas us as siblings have clung together and got ourselves through some enduring times and it is those enduring times that have made it hard to live with each other and indeed to live with out each other. Emotionally we have developed at different stages and as much as we all love each other, our ability to come together and converse can be very tricky to say the least.
It is for the reasons i have just mentioned that made the decisions of separating myself from these relationships, the most difficult thing i have ever had to do in my life, bar none, the fact that I am able to sit here and talk about how i am, finally, in a position where i am resolving my last relationship, for me is a frikin miracle. As there have been ample times where i believed that ending my life, would spare me the terror of having to cut myself of from the very same solders that stood by my side while we battled for our lives.
I now know, that because i am willing to go down with the sinking ship, doesn't mean i have too, just because i would sacrifice my life to spare the mental anguish of my siblings, doesn't mean i have to and because i would die for my family doesn't mean i have too. And that ladies and gentlemen is the most liberating lesson i believe i have ever learned.
I started to write a blog at the start of my studies with the OU, day one, day two and so on, before this point i had never writ in my life, no diary, no journal no other form of elf expression other than the theatrics of my voice and bodily movements, never read a book in my life. The point is, ever since i have started to write a blog, the emotional, phycological, development and impact is that it is having is astounding, just the simple act of writing has opened me up in a way that i could never imagined.
I feel free, free to say what ever i choose, with no fear only empowerment, free to talk about feelings, thoughts and emotions, i have been given a platform of expression that is incredible and educational. I know this sounds so simple to most, but thats me, simple.
WWG1WGA