I am genuinely having trouble sleeping after my interaction with another OU student, i feel betrayed, i feel like i have been robbed of my good intension. Its 2.30 am and my neurons in my brain are like the most spectacular fireworks display you have ever seen, even Guy fawkes would be ever so proud.
The OU and this blog had became a safe place of speech and expression that was un spoiled and free from negativity, hate, maliciousness, spite and anger.
I have grown up in a family that was swamped in those traits and i believed i had created a space and place that would never resemble their antics.
I have overcome so many personal battles, insecurities and negative echo's from a past that were full of toxic poison, i have battled internally to free myself from people who have ill gains in their hearts, that have mentally crippled me in their pursuance of procession. I have stood face to face with all who holds dear to me and and rejected them for the saviour and liberty of my own mental well being.
I have looked the most sacred people in the eye while they try to strip me of my soul and pleaded no, no you wont change me, no you wont take my spirit and turn it in to the similarities of your own, i have walked in to hell, lived in hell, battled to leave hell and left hell in the name of keeping my sanity. I have done all this alone, in the cold damp darkness of rejection, neglect, abandonment and abuse that would bring the strongest of men to their knees.
So here i stand saying no, no to the negative influence that wants to enter my life and fill it with the remembrance of of a life i have left behind, i say no, you will never compare to the echo's of people who's power could not break me. I will stand firm and look you in the eye as i did them and shroud your meagre attempts to darken my soul with a mountainous belief system in myself that will remind you forever more to never treat another human you way you treated me.
How dare you come in to my safe place and darken it with your ill intentions. I have learned that no matter how much people have hurt me, i never become immune to it and yes it still hurts. People, whether strangers, family, friends, lovers or enemies they are all relatable people and i am relatable people too and no matter how many times that relation breaks down, it hurts just like the first time.
I guess thats why Social Science intrigues me, as i can never answer the question, 'why cant we just get along'? and deep down thats all i have ever wanted from life. They were my wishes as i blew out the candles on my imaginary birthday cake, they were the things i asked for when sat on Santa's imaginary knee, that was the answer to the teachers question when i was asked what i wanted out of life, that has been the thought i think every time i shut my eyes to sleep, and will continue to do so, i know i will never know for sure, but it eats away at me regardless.
Day 89 of OU studies.
I am genuinely having trouble sleeping after my interaction with another OU student, i feel betrayed, i feel like i have been robbed of my good intension. Its 2.30 am and my neurons in my brain are like the most spectacular fireworks display you have ever seen, even Guy fawkes would be ever so proud.
The OU and this blog had became a safe place of speech and expression that was un spoiled and free from negativity, hate, maliciousness, spite and anger.
I have grown up in a family that was swamped in those traits and i believed i had created a space and place that would never resemble their antics.
I have overcome so many personal battles, insecurities and negative echo's from a past that were full of toxic poison, i have battled internally to free myself from people who have ill gains in their hearts, that have mentally crippled me in their pursuance of procession. I have stood face to face with all who holds dear to me and and rejected them for the saviour and liberty of my own mental well being.
I have looked the most sacred people in the eye while they try to strip me of my soul and pleaded no, no you wont change me, no you wont take my spirit and turn it in to the similarities of your own, i have walked in to hell, lived in hell, battled to leave hell and left hell in the name of keeping my sanity. I have done all this alone, in the cold damp darkness of rejection, neglect, abandonment and abuse that would bring the strongest of men to their knees.
So here i stand saying no, no to the negative influence that wants to enter my life and fill it with the remembrance of of a life i have left behind, i say no, you will never compare to the echo's of people who's power could not break me. I will stand firm and look you in the eye as i did them and shroud your meagre attempts to darken my soul with a mountainous belief system in myself that will remind you forever more to never treat another human you way you treated me.
How dare you come in to my safe place and darken it with your ill intentions. I have learned that no matter how much people have hurt me, i never become immune to it and yes it still hurts. People, whether strangers, family, friends, lovers or enemies they are all relatable people and i am relatable people too and no matter how many times that relation breaks down, it hurts just like the first time.
I guess thats why Social Science intrigues me, as i can never answer the question, 'why cant we just get along'? and deep down thats all i have ever wanted from life. They were my wishes as i blew out the candles on my imaginary birthday cake, they were the things i asked for when sat on Santa's imaginary knee, that was the answer to the teachers question when i was asked what i wanted out of life, that has been the thought i think every time i shut my eyes to sleep, and will continue to do so, i know i will never know for sure, but it eats away at me regardless.
WWG1WGA