Personal Blogs

Wide awake and contemplating TMA03, if i am honest, i am finding it strange dealing with TMA's with out stressing or pressure, in fact i am finding it strange dealing with life in general without stress or pressure. 

I never thought the day would come where i would be free from the dark, lonely, troubled chasm of my own mind. I have been lost in battle with myself for so long and became so intrenched in that battle that i lost sight of any progression, i lost sight of change, its not until situations arise and i take stock of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour in response to it that i realise i do things different.

 I have carried a life script for decades which became a security blanket that i moulded in to a second skin, i soon stopped to question it, i took it for granted that i would never feel comfortable with out it and yet here i am commenting on how it feels to have stripped myself of that second skin, and feel the new sensations of a new script being developed. 

I finally believe in myself, i finally trust myself, for the first time in my life i believe that i am worthy and that i deserve a shot at being a success, and i am capable of being something other than the negative haunts and echo's from my guardian abusers.

 I really did believe them, i had settled for things in my head and i was living uncomfortably comfortable with the belief that 'i am useless' who the @+ck do i think i am'? 'What makes me so special'? 'I'm not a real man you long streak of paralysed pi@+', that last quote was my Father's favourite R I P, as he would call me that often.

As part of my recovery my psychotherapist would suggest that, in order to deal some of the blame, bitterness and anger that i was harbouring, more positively, as opposed to catastrophising which would lead to substance misuse, self harm, by way of cutting, crime and a general hatred for myself, that i should try empathy and understanding for my Father and his behaviour towards me. Well, i guess yo can imagine the horror of from feeling victimised to having to empathise with my abuser.

At first i thought my therapist was mad and in the initial response was more drug use and self harm 'it has to get worse before it get's better right', well yeah, thats exactly what happened, i had no grasp on the concept that was being given to me, days would pass, then weeks, then months, i started to grasp the concept and my drug use and self harm would decrease then increases so on and so forth. 

The key thing for me is that i noticed a change which propelled the want to keep trying, again and again and again, then years pass, still trying, getting it wrong, feeling weak, giving in, homelessness, drug abuse, self harm, feeling strong, getting it right, up and down, down and up, battling, tired of battling, trying, tired of trying, belief no belief and finally decades pass, worn out, so tired, drained of all, drained of anything and everything, hanging on to hope, a white knuckle grip as though i was a baby again holding on to the hem of my Mothers cardigan until i lost grip.

Only to lay in the tiredness and pause, let the silence rest and think for moment, feel for a moment, feel the heart beat at a regular pace, feel my breath gentle, uninterrupted and soft and realise 'its over' 'i dont have to fight anymore' i dont have to do anything i dont want to, 'i can be me' 'I'm allowed to be me' ' I'm not scared any more' 'i love me and i love life'.

PS you may find it strange that i started this blog with 'wide awake' it took my left hand two and a half hours to type and correct that,

WWG1WGA