Edited by Casper Smith, Wednesday, 10 Feb 2021, 15:56
After a few weeks of a depressive episode and having the shit kicked out of me by my own mental health disorders, (self harm, not eating, not sleeping, not washing), the usual shit.
The past few days have have been so contrary its firkin remarkable, its seems, the metaphorical squeezing of my depressive zit has cleared the way for positive thoughts, to the extreme where it feels like gangs of screaming kids with lots of pocket money from their parents have been throwing epiphanies at me as though i was target on a coconut shy stall at their local traveling fairground show, which is normally the way with me, i loose my mind for while, and then start to have the most positive outlook on life.
With in this process, i have decided to sever ties with certain members in my family and, i have actually made steps towards achieving it, which almost instantly has made me feel lighter n empowered.
Part of the reason i have CPTSD is because of prolonged and consistent violent abuse, manipulation, and humiliation which i received, whilst trying to support him while he dealt with the symptoms that come from his own personal issues. As i never got to tell him of my thoughts and feelings towards him, a build of frustration would turn in to self destruction at my peril.
For some reason i am not quite sure of i would always end up feeling sorry for him, which would indeed set me up for the next fall and so the cycle would continue, until i have finally made the decision to cut all contact with him, as i have always struggled to deal with abuse while being counselled by the abuser.
With that decision, comes a change of my life script, i am no longer his kid brother, i no longer have to prioritise his thoughts and feelings over mine, i no longer have to turn to him with any aspect of my life. I am a man and now i stand alone, making my own decisions and dealing with the consequences, what ever they may be.
At first the thought of severing ties with him would twist my heads in to knots and puncture my heart, over and over again, now i am able to process it with heaps more comfort an confidence, which is encouraging me to make more attempts at facing the people that are close that also have an impact on my emotional state, to my detriment.
I had another coconut shy epiphany that i was aiming to talk about but its getting late, plus it gives me something to chat about tomorrow.
Day 130 of OU studies
After a few weeks of a depressive episode and having the shit kicked out of me by my own mental health disorders, (self harm, not eating, not sleeping, not washing), the usual shit.
The past few days have have been so contrary its firkin remarkable, its seems, the metaphorical squeezing of my depressive zit has cleared the way for positive thoughts, to the extreme where it feels like gangs of screaming kids with lots of pocket money from their parents have been throwing epiphanies at me as though i was target on a coconut shy stall at their local traveling fairground show, which is normally the way with me, i loose my mind for while, and then start to have the most positive outlook on life.
With in this process, i have decided to sever ties with certain members in my family and, i have actually made steps towards achieving it, which almost instantly has made me feel lighter n empowered.
Part of the reason i have CPTSD is because of prolonged and consistent violent abuse, manipulation, and humiliation which i received, whilst trying to support him while he dealt with the symptoms that come from his own personal issues. As i never got to tell him of my thoughts and feelings towards him, a build of frustration would turn in to self destruction at my peril.
For some reason i am not quite sure of i would always end up feeling sorry for him, which would indeed set me up for the next fall and so the cycle would continue, until i have finally made the decision to cut all contact with him, as i have always struggled to deal with abuse while being counselled by the abuser.
With that decision, comes a change of my life script, i am no longer his kid brother, i no longer have to prioritise his thoughts and feelings over mine, i no longer have to turn to him with any aspect of my life. I am a man and now i stand alone, making my own decisions and dealing with the consequences, what ever they may be.
At first the thought of severing ties with him would twist my heads in to knots and puncture my heart, over and over again, now i am able to process it with heaps more comfort an confidence, which is encouraging me to make more attempts at facing the people that are close that also have an impact on my emotional state, to my detriment.
I had another coconut shy epiphany that i was aiming to talk about but its getting late, plus it gives me something to chat about tomorrow.
WWG1WGA