Edited by Casper Smith, Friday, 19 Feb 2021, 14:41
3am and my head is field with confusion, trying to work how the twisted dynamics of my family work, which enables the blue eyed boy in my family, better know as my Brother, who commits murder and still manages to rein supreme. Given everything he wants all the way through his 13 years behind bars, a constant flow of money, designer clothes, designer sunglasses, money and drugs to support his lifestyle in prison, not only is he given everything he wants, a listen ear to what ever he wants to talk about and whenever he wants to talk about his issues.
His children are taken on thousands of pounds shopping sprees, people in my family are made to run errands for his children, make sure that they have Christmas and birthday presents, his family have to not only support him but his children as well, basically doing anything that he asks, along with my brothers superior rein, he is given a house worth two hundred thousand pound, so that he has somewhere to live when he comes out and a place for his children to stay, which will be his upon my Mothers death.
Now, as for me, being the black sheep of the family, the runt of the litter, the youngest, i have grown up being told to shut up all the time as i do not know anything and bearing in mind i suffer fom BPD, CPTSD. i am struggling with substance misuse issues, means that i should give up my life and live with my Mother for the last year, My mother is 73 of very high spirit, has all her marbles present and correct and is certainly no bodies fool, she suffers from guilt, or at least she seems to for the way in which her husband (my farther) treated us (her children).
My Mothers physical health is not to good and as a result i do the cooking, cleaning, mopping, hoovering, bathrooms, washing clothes, washing dishes, shopping, D I Y, making coffee, getting drinks, help her shower, change her bed, get her cigarettes, take care of the garden, renew her insurance so she does not get ripped off, go halves with her when it comes to any bill for her car, be responsible for the cars, which in the year i have been living with her comes to at least two thousand pounds, paint and decorate her house, apply for blue badges, so my mum can park in disabled space,. make sure my Mother has a bath lift, so she is able to get in and out safely, as opposed to me h physically help her, which does not help my Mother keep her dignity. spoil her for Christmas and birthdays, pay rent for staying with her and run any errand she asks. My Mother does not lift a finger.
Only to be reward with no right to talk about how i feel or my issues, when i do i am told to shut up, have rolled at me, while listening to tuts and sighs and the new one is for her to put the cushion over her head, i am not allowed to express myself or talk about the symptoms of my illnesses and i have no interest shown in my life what so ever.
I am not sure how much longer i can cope under this regime, as its really having a negative effect on my mental health, which effects my OU studies, my self harm, my substance missus, my will to eat wash and wake in the morning.
Day 140 of OU studies
3am and my head is field with confusion, trying to work how the twisted dynamics of my family work, which enables the blue eyed boy in my family, better know as my Brother, who commits murder and still manages to rein supreme. Given everything he wants all the way through his 13 years behind bars, a constant flow of money, designer clothes, designer sunglasses, money and drugs to support his lifestyle in prison, not only is he given everything he wants, a listen ear to what ever he wants to talk about and whenever he wants to talk about his issues.
His children are taken on thousands of pounds shopping sprees, people in my family are made to run errands for his children, make sure that they have Christmas and birthday presents, his family have to not only support him but his children as well, basically doing anything that he asks, along with my brothers superior rein, he is given a house worth two hundred thousand pound, so that he has somewhere to live when he comes out and a place for his children to stay, which will be his upon my Mothers death.
Now, as for me, being the black sheep of the family, the runt of the litter, the youngest, i have grown up being told to shut up all the time as i do not know anything and bearing in mind i suffer fom BPD, CPTSD. i am struggling with substance misuse issues, means that i should give up my life and live with my Mother for the last year, My mother is 73 of very high spirit, has all her marbles present and correct and is certainly no bodies fool, she suffers from guilt, or at least she seems to for the way in which her husband (my farther) treated us (her children).
My Mothers physical health is not to good and as a result i do the cooking, cleaning, mopping, hoovering, bathrooms, washing clothes, washing dishes, shopping, D I Y, making coffee, getting drinks, help her shower, change her bed, get her cigarettes, take care of the garden, renew her insurance so she does not get ripped off, go halves with her when it comes to any bill for her car, be responsible for the cars, which in the year i have been living with her comes to at least two thousand pounds, paint and decorate her house, apply for blue badges, so my mum can park in disabled space,. make sure my Mother has a bath lift, so she is able to get in and out safely, as opposed to me h physically help her, which does not help my Mother keep her dignity. spoil her for Christmas and birthdays, pay rent for staying with her and run any errand she asks. My Mother does not lift a finger.
Only to be reward with no right to talk about how i feel or my issues, when i do i am told to shut up, have rolled at me, while listening to tuts and sighs and the new one is for her to put the cushion over her head, i am not allowed to express myself or talk about the symptoms of my illnesses and i have no interest shown in my life what so ever.
I am not sure how much longer i can cope under this regime, as its really having a negative effect on my mental health, which effects my OU studies, my self harm, my substance missus, my will to eat wash and wake in the morning.
I am getting pretty desperate.
WWG1WGA