Edited by Casper Smith, Monday, 22 Feb 2021, 12:43
Another sleepless night, wrapped in warped thoughts that replace their selves consistently in a never-ending cycle of thinking, mindfulness wont cut it, DBT skills are churned up by the thought cyclone and left in pieces as the thought cyclone continues to destruct whatever i put in its place to regain some kind of control.
All that i hold dear and all that is important i can clearly see, trickling past me as i battle with my own mind, its so fucking horrible, i hate it, powerless to the destruction that my mind creates and yet i am held prisoner in the front row, with the best view and made to watch every second, eyes wide open 'popcorn' 'peanuts'.
I wish i could say 'i dont understand', i wish i could say, 'there was a red mist', i wish i could say 'i blacked out', i wish i did not know, and i could hide behind ignorance being bliss, but for some perverse, sadomasochist reason, i do know, there is no red mist, i did not black out and the knowledge of what is happening to me eats me away as i genuinely do not have a clue how to change it and i really want it to stop it now, please stop and leave me alone, just for a little while, give me a break, i dont care if you come come back, just let me live in some kind of peace for some kind of time, i know i have been an armhole in my life, but even i dont think i deserve this mental terror.
The background noise is Georges Bizets 'Carmen on Sydney Harbour' an opera based on the joined fates of a fiery Gypsy Carmen and Don Jost, a naïve corporal, how bizarre, i feel calm, in my message i was crying and wiping away mess from my nose, but now, now i feel calm, i have no idea what they are singing about, I'm' lead in to no thought, just carried away, i will take my medication now and close my eyes, who knows, maybe i will sleep now.
Day 142 of OU studies
Another sleepless night, wrapped in warped thoughts that replace their selves consistently in a never-ending cycle of thinking, mindfulness wont cut it, DBT skills are churned up by the thought cyclone and left in pieces as the thought cyclone continues to destruct whatever i put in its place to regain some kind of control.
All that i hold dear and all that is important i can clearly see, trickling past me as i battle with my own mind, its so fucking horrible, i hate it, powerless to the destruction that my mind creates and yet i am held prisoner in the front row, with the best view and made to watch every second, eyes wide open 'popcorn' 'peanuts'.
I wish i could say 'i dont understand', i wish i could say, 'there was a red mist', i wish i could say 'i blacked out', i wish i did not know, and i could hide behind ignorance being bliss, but for some perverse, sadomasochist reason, i do know, there is no red mist, i did not black out and the knowledge of what is happening to me eats me away as i genuinely do not have a clue how to change it and i really want it to stop it now, please stop and leave me alone, just for a little while, give me a break, i dont care if you come come back, just let me live in some kind of peace for some kind of time, i know i have been an armhole in my life, but even i dont think i deserve this mental terror.
The background noise is Georges Bizets 'Carmen on Sydney Harbour' an opera based on the joined fates of a fiery Gypsy Carmen and Don Jost, a naïve corporal, how bizarre, i feel calm, in my message i was crying and wiping away mess from my nose, but now, now i feel calm, i have no idea what they are singing about, I'm' lead in to no thought, just carried away, i will take my medication now and close my eyes, who knows, maybe i will sleep now.
Take care.
WWG1WGA