What started off as apprehension having made a start of packing everything in my home, turned out to be not as bad as i thought it would be, obviously it wasn't the best day out i have ever had, although i was able to make a start. i thought that i was living quite a simple life, i didn't realise i had so much stuff until i started to gather it all.10 years of my life being squeezed in to boxes, if i do a little each day it will make less of a task, hopefully it will only be temperamental and i will get to unpack it again when i am believed and my ex will be displayed in public for the liar that she is.
My dreams are of freedom, no longer under her manipulative reign, free to think of thoughts that are not consumed in doubt and uncertainty, being able to relax in the safety of wondering thoughts that are filled with the exciting of new plans for my future, free to never hold back because i am gripped with fear twenty four hours a day, and most importantly being able to return back to sanctuary of supporting those with substance misuse issues, as was here promise to me when i left her because i was no longer able to take more of her abuse "i'll make sure you never work your job again" were the words being yelled at me as i turned my back to walk away.
It has taken me almost two years with an obscene amount of professional help to be in a position where i am no longer under her control or scared of her or even feel sorry for her, i know, how bizarre, that i would feel sorry for a woman who destroyed my life in only two years.
The fact that i am able to speak openly about it with no fear of reprisals is astounding and i feel all the better for it. I come from old fashioned people that never cry, never say how they feel, never show weakness and would never admit what i am admitting, "put up and shut up" is a phrase that would bring me great wealth, if only i had a pound for every time i have had it forced in to my mind. I found freedom and liberation from a controlling family, only to give myself to a controlling partner, but unlike the power i gave to my family which made it easier to break me, she will never break me, regardless of the outcome at court.
Day 169 of OU studies
What started off as apprehension having made a start of packing everything in my home, turned out to be not as bad as i thought it would be, obviously it wasn't the best day out i have ever had, although i was able to make a start. i thought that i was living quite a simple life, i didn't realise i had so much stuff until i started to gather it all.10 years of my life being squeezed in to boxes, if i do a little each day it will make less of a task, hopefully it will only be temperamental and i will get to unpack it again when i am believed and my ex will be displayed in public for the liar that she is.
My dreams are of freedom, no longer under her manipulative reign, free to think of thoughts that are not consumed in doubt and uncertainty, being able to relax in the safety of wondering thoughts that are filled with the exciting of new plans for my future, free to never hold back because i am gripped with fear twenty four hours a day, and most importantly being able to return back to sanctuary of supporting those with substance misuse issues, as was here promise to me when i left her because i was no longer able to take more of her abuse "i'll make sure you never work your job again" were the words being yelled at me as i turned my back to walk away.
It has taken me almost two years with an obscene amount of professional help to be in a position where i am no longer under her control or scared of her or even feel sorry for her, i know, how bizarre, that i would feel sorry for a woman who destroyed my life in only two years.
The fact that i am able to speak openly about it with no fear of reprisals is astounding and i feel all the better for it. I come from old fashioned people that never cry, never say how they feel, never show weakness and would never admit what i am admitting, "put up and shut up" is a phrase that would bring me great wealth, if only i had a pound for every time i have had it forced in to my mind. I found freedom and liberation from a controlling family, only to give myself to a controlling partner, but unlike the power i gave to my family which made it easier to break me, she will never break me, regardless of the outcome at court.
WWG1WGA