Personal Blogs

Happy Sunday people, the day that no thing can be done with no bad feeling in doing so. I love my mum with all my being, although, being a live in 24/7 career does take its toll sometimes, it's the little things with me folks, massive gestures of grandeur are not i what need, want or like to make life a little more bearable, just the little things. 

I woke up this morning, well i say morning, i really mean afternoon, it is Sunday after all. I took my meds, fed my kitten, cleaned her litter tray, hoovered the kitchen, hallway, stairs, landing, bathroom and my bedroom, i moped the kitchen, then i sat down for a moment to smoke a roll up before i hoovered and moped the front room. 

As i entered the front room, i said "good morning mum, are you ok?" i was met with "the internet is down, my laptop can not get a signal and i can not use it". After a minute or so i finished my roll up, went over to the laptop, pressed the mouse pad on the computer, the screen lit up, i clicked on the google icon then clicked on the FB icon and her computer came to life, again i was met with "what did you do?", i said i clicked on the FB icon, she replied "no, what did you do?", bearing in mind i done it while she was watching me, i then began to tell her step by step what i had done, "well", she said, "it never done that when i did it", all of what my mother said had a tone that was not particularly kind or welcoming, so i said ok, i don't what to to tell you, and that was that.

And that was our morning interaction, no good morning, no asking if i can take a look at her computer, no thank you for fixing something that she could of fixed herself dad she bothered, just an angry tone that the computer won't work for her, yet it worked for me. My mother has physical conditions that limit her mobility, my mother also has mental health issues that also limit her mobility, i e, low self esteem, anxiety and depression, my mother is capable of doing more than she allows herself to do. 

Part of my time with my mum involves encouraging and motivating her to do what she can, otherwise she will stay on the sofa that she sleeps on for days, it's a daily juggle and pressure that could be made easier with a little more effort from my mum, because it is easy to get caught in the trap of doing absolutely everything for her, to the point where she will actually lay on the sofa for days. This can leave me feeling bad as i feel i maybe being to hard on her, although i genuinely feel that i am not.

Sometimes i feel that i am being manipulated slightly, although when i say that in my mind i feel bad for thinking that, sometimes i feel trapped but then again i feel bad for that too, i wish she would put "just a little" more effort, even now, i feel like my mum is waiting for me to move so that she can ask me to do something for her. I really want to talk to my mum about all this although i do not know how to go about it. 

There have been times when i have plucked up the courage to say "why don't you try for yourself mum" "get a bit of exercise", i am met with a reply that, well it's hard to explain, all i know is that i am left feeling really crappy and i don't want to feel crappy, i am trying so hard to not feel crappy because of my own issues, it's so hard to not feel crappy because of her issues to.

This is why i am so happy that i have learned o be able to write stuff down, because it stops it swirling around in my brain amd manifesting in to negative behaviour.

Right, i have made up my mind, i am not going to sit with this all day, the next time i move and my mum asks me to do something (because it will happen) i will explain all that i have just mentioned, clamley, softley and assertive, as i feel that it is not fare.

WWG1WGA