Personal Blogs

Thursday evening saw the start of an emotional relapse that lasted until today in the late afternoon. Sometimes i find myself tired from the constant observation and awareness of potential triggers for EUPD/BDP, CPTSD and substance misuse. I believe i had became complacent and entered in to the thoughts of past life activities, before i new it i was watching a DVD that related to the criminal behaviour that was once common in my house hold as a child, i genuinely try to be a wear of this as a trigger and avoid them as i know what they could lead to.
I feel asleep while the watching the show and that was the last thing i remember before waking up in a pool of sweat, i was freezing cold and i could not stop shaking or and crying, i had only slept for 45 minutes and yet it felt like days, i genuinely believed that what i saw in the film and what i saw in my sleep were the same thing, i could not differentiate from memory, dream or reality, it took around eight hours for me to recognise where i was and how i got to be here, as soon as i was able to comprehend my surroundings depression hit me, almost as if it was waiting for me.
It was at this point i started to self harm, i have not self harmed for quite some time and i was starting to feel good about that, i soon started struggling to control my breathing which then brought on a panic attack, where everything i did or said was being played out as if it was on fast forward with the contradiction of watching me doing it in slow motion, i could feel my skeleton vibrating and i felt that all control over myself was non existent, limbo land.
As i have been dealing with episodes like this for some time now, i have a better understand of what, when, why and how, so i can be better prepared and not shocked as to what is going on, when i first used to suffer theses emotional relapses it would terrorise me.
What started out as watching a film turned in to a trigger that brought about the loss of two days, it's still a bit blurry although i can grasp a solid structure that feels safe and solid, i have not been able to eat yet and i am very tired, i think i will force myself to eat something and try to sleep.
If anything, the last two days have taught me that i need to be way more vigilant about my triggers, i actually have a trigger book that i created to help remind me, that's pretty nuts huh?


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