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Disillusionment is OK

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Edited by Richie Cuthbertson, Thursday, 20 Jan 2022, 21:38

Am disillusioned with this world, not much passion for anything just now. Career, painting, technology, science, books, music, films, romance, intoxicants, pleasure, pain. I no longer care for any of it, it all feels so unsatisfying. Politics is a load of crap, same old story of the wealthy shafting everyone else and the planet. Victims of greed they hoard and hoard, and never feel happy or content, there's always that niggling feeling of dissatisfaction in the background, and to fill this they automatically grasp for more wealth and power, but they never fill that emptiness within, never cure that feeling of how unsatisfying everything is, why? 

This modern world we live in is fuelled by greed, hatred and delusion. And all of it is doomed to end, nothing lasts, all things are being constantly chomped away at by impermanence, everything is in a state of entropy. Is why I just stick my paintings to my walls with masking tape, I don't give a shit, I know they're impermanent and I am not attached to them. I don't even know who paints them, it doesn't feel like the Richie tapping away at the keys here, some other geezer and we are both impermanent, empty, and always changing.

Is it possible to feel happiness on the spiritual path? The happiest memories I have are the days in my youth dancing at rave parties high as a kite feeling connected to everything and feeling free. Those were the best feelings I ever had, nothing else I have ever experienced has been as liberating as that was. Full of immense love and empathy for everyone around me, and they also feeling the same way towards me, all of us one, smiling and expressing our good nature, a feeling of unity, of oneness, being completely at ease with everyone and everything. In that place I forgot who I was, forgot my story and didn't care a jot about it anymore, It didn't matter who anyone was, nobody cared, we were all the same, no judgement, no shame, no exclusion, just goodwill, friendliness, and a shared feeling of connection and space to be who we are. Those beautiful  memories stay with me, even now at the age of 46, and they remind me that deep down, all of us, whoever we are, have a good nature underneath all the layers of shit. We all want to love and be loved, to live in peace. I believe that our original mind before it is tainted by the world is good-natured.

It makes me think of the spiritual practise of metta. Metta means unconditional love, kindness, friendship, warmth, benevolence, and jovial good will. Metta also has a good-natured sense of humour, which can help one to not take things too seriously or personally. Metta is the Pali word, but there isn't really a satisfying equivalent that captures it in the English language. So I just use the word metta, as it is easier than listing all the qualities it embodies. It is a nice feeling, and there have been times when practising metta where I thought I came close to how I felt at a rave party (but without the dreaded comedown). Equanimity is also a nice state of mind, and very useful. It is the best one to look at reality with. Not a cold dry dead equanimity, it is alive, warm-hearted and kind, but doesn't take the suffering of the world upon itself. With equanimity one no longer clings to anything, no longer chases after anything, and one doesn't get shaken or swept up by the random nature of things, one is centred. With equanimity one remains calm in a crisis, unshaken and unsuprised by the changing nature of the world, in that lucid state of mind one can look at reality with clarity and see things as they are.

A Zen teacher said that my feelings of disillusionment with the world are a good thing, they are the first noble truth. Disillusionment means one has seen through the illusion.
The second noble truth is to see it is my attachment to the illusion that causes me suffering.
The third noble truth is to come out of the trance and let go of the illusion, stop clinging to the inner story of self.
The fourth noble truth contains the practical instructions on how one trains the mind to let go of and go beyond the self-centred dream. To (through the gradual training of the noble eight-fold path) reach a state of mind that doesn't die, doesn't suffer, and experiences a profound freedom that remains and never ceases - nibbana.

Peace and metta

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Hi Richie,

Your pictures are lovely so full of life and colour. You have a real talent.

Best wishes



Thanks Gill

It really cheered me to read your comment.

Thankyou (-:

Hi again Richie

I identified, agreed with, some of all your paragraphs, but the first two make me feel that you are, just at the moment, a bit cheesed off. For me, when I feel that way, it is usually down to an imbalance (with health sciences, this is homeostasis, it can sometimes be psychologically, as well as, sometimes for physiological reasons). This extends to all areas of life, it may be down to doing too much or too little or not enough of something that restores the ego. This often goes hand in hand with a tail off in social life or too much work, it might be too much thinking, whatever...Exercise is one potential remedy (you have that landscape and that air, 🙂) 

I think that you have mentioned a partner, I'm sure the partner will help you feel differently, again, soon, so it hopefully, won't stay that way with you for long. You may also get yourself back to feeling happier, besides.

Your latest painting, perhaps reveals too much order...It's 'tighter' than your last few and neater (do you know what I mean?) I'm assuming in this, that you have produced it, in the last few days. The elements within, are also smaller...and more precisely spaced (you might be trying to sort out too many things, at once) I may be talking c..., myself, but it's what I feel. If me talking c..., made you smile, it'd be worth it!

Take care and have fun again soon, get some of that motivation back, when you're ready. Even, take a break, if you felt like one.

Viva art, Viva life, Viva love, Viva science, Viva nature, Viva music... 




In the centre bottom of the painting, I can 'see' what could either be; the head of a seahorse or a 'flying fox'...

Like it 👌

self clarification

Apologies for not being clear, with my writing, homeostasis is the ideal. Imbalance is the equivalent of a less than optimum, homeostasis.

I'll take this opportunity to also say that, I agree, dancing, raving, whatever, is another great remedy for the blues.

Obviously with Covid though, this has built in risk...for self (and others). Caution is probably wiser.




Thanks Jeremy

Thanks, yeah I was feeling a wee bit cheesed off, but that can become my fuel for going wholeheartedly on the spiritual path. The world just doesn't excite me anymore. Think I am going beyond it now. I am really not so bothered by it all anymore.

Me and my partner still live together but we're not romantically involved anymore and we sleep in separate rooms, which is fine I don't mind, we still get on great. And we both give each other plenty of space. We have a child who is sixteen now and all grown up, he is getting taller than me! I have become quite equanimous towards romance, I really don't feel much for it anymore. Or maybe I don't have the stomach for it. I've sort of seen through it, and seen it just leads to suffering in the end, we all become separated either due to change or when Death comes calling. Besides, I am losing my hair and I'm middle-aged, I'm not particularly attractive and to be honest it's a relief not to worry about appearance and whether someone still loves me or not, all that stuff is so stressful and unsatisfactory, and the thought of having any more kids terrifies me, I really don't want any more kids haha.

I don't go to rave parties these days, even with the lockdowns, I am getting a bit old for that now. But the experience and memories of those times when I was younger has coloured my spiritual life and consciousness, I don't regret those memories. I think one day when all my karmic duties are sorted I might leave this material world behind and dedicate myself wholeheartedly to the spiritual life. Still need to be there for my son at the moment, help him get through college, but one day when he has left home and can take care of himself. We'll see. I am discovering it is good to not have expectations about anything, that way one doesn't set oneself up for a disappointment, only surprises. So I will flow with whatever happens and be content and keep practising the Buddhist path the best I can.

Thanks for the comments, helps me see things from another's point of view which is helpful.



To my OU blog friend, Richie, - your points understood

Quite by chance, though I'm delighted about it, the centre link is music by Del Amitri, I spoke about them before, your fellow Scots (at least the core of the band, now). I've taken on board your response, and I just want to respond, in the way that reflects one of my own obsessions, popular music.

This triptych, has lyrics (at least a few in each), that would be relevant to the discussion, here. I hope you like them. The final track, especially as Tom (Petty) only died (accidentally) very recently, makes all the hairs on my body rise up...Speaking of hair (this time on head), you'd laugh at some comments of my own, if you enter my blog (don't feel obliged to, by the way). If you do, look at the blue strip down the right hand side, that contains other musical links and narrative, and next to one of them (Cockney Rebel), you'll find the comments I've put in about my own...

I am glad that you are both friends that get on. You must be proud of your boy (especially as it sounds like you'll be looking up at him, lol), you've done something there that I haven't achieved. Your DNA and his Mum's - will live on (with a unique bit of his own). It was right though, for me, that I didn't have my own family. My super-ego tells me, (I) should be criticised. My self awareness, at 60+, tells me, via my ego and id, that, when I was young enough, I wasn't ready or mature enough (and truthfully, too wrapped up in myself). In my own partner's case, she didn't want a family, either. I have my nephews and, I am a great uncle! 😎😄

We can maybe exchange more conversation further down the road..., very best, Jeremy



Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - I Won't Back Down (Official Music Video) - YouTube



Del Amitri - You Can't Go Back (Official Video) - YouTube



Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - Learning To Fly (Version 1) - YouTube