I wish I could do the eight-fold path. And I am sorry I messed up again Buddha. I am really trying, but I feel like giving up. I am losing my strength and will. I am sorry for my stupid speech at times, such as writing these blog posts, social media posts and the emails to friends. I have tried, really tried to practise right speech but I seem to be incapable of not messing up. I say the wrong things, and no matter how hard I try it just keeps happening. I don't know if it is the intense anxiety I am always feeling, and that is what makes me impatient, irritable, restless and reckless. I think the agitation is so intense sometimes I just feel like I would do anything to get rid of it, and I don't think before I speak, I just dive right in, and that just adds more fuel to the anxiety, especially when I realise what I did hasn't helped things at all.
To feel this way days on end is like torture. I don't know what to do. I have lost several friends now. I could give up communication and be silent, but if I don't use these written forms of communication, being disconnected from others makes me feel more agitated and lonely, and there's no joy.
The breathing exercises don't help calm me down. They just aren't enough for me, they might help others no doubt, but they're not enough for me. I can't meditate at the moment because of this anxiety/agitation/depression, and therefore can't get enlightened.
I wanted to get enlightened to help this planet as it is going through so much pain just now, and I thought the best way to be of service is to become a Buddha and then I will see clearly enough to know what to do. I really want to help this Earth, I want to do good and be of service to others. But until I get this mood disorder sorted, I can't. I am unable to reach out to others when I feel like this, and if I do, I completely get it wrong and make things worse, and it would have been better had I never reached out. It is clear to me that I need to sort myself out first before I can help sort anyone else out. But as much as my heart wants to be a Bodhisattva I seem to be completely unable to live up to the ideal.
Many friends have deserted me now and I understand why, I would most likely do the same if I was in their shoes. I am too intense to be around at the moment and I can't seem to keep it together very long or let go, however hard I try it is like a clenched fist that will not unclench no matter what I do. However much I reason with it, plead with it.
I will keep trying though, and persevere, maybe I will at least reach stream enterer before this life is up.