Edited by Jim McCrory, Sunday, 22 June 2025, 10:05
The Tantrum That Grows Up
"There’s a profound difference between expressing honest feeling and using feeling as leverage."
We’ve all seen it. A child in a supermarket throws a fit—shouting, stamping, maybe even collapsing to the floor. This is not a baby. This is a child who is old enough to begin to realise that life has limits. They want a toy or some sweets, and they’re not taking no for an answer. Nearby, a parent looks weary or flustered as he sits on the centre of the supermarket isle, refusing to budge. Unsure how best to respond. We glance over, perhaps with sympathy, perhaps with relief it’s not our child, and we carry on.
What we don’t often think about is this: that child will grow up.
Tantrums are part of childhood. Every child tests limits. Most parents do their best in the moment, often in public, while juggling fatigue, pressure, and a host of other responsibilities. But if certain patterns—especially ones that revolve around getting one’s way through emotional pressure—are never gently addressed, they don’t always disappear. Sometimes they simply shift form.
As children mature, they learn to adapt. If early on they discover that raising their voice, making a scene, or pulling at emotions brings results, they may carry those lessons forward—though often in subtler ways. A teenage version of the tantrum might look like guilt-tripping a sibling. An adult version might involve emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behaviour, or even playing one person off another. The core dynamic—struggling with limits—can persist.
Psychologists have long observed that children need boundaries to thrive. Boundaries are not about control, but about safety, love, and preparing for real life. Sociologist Erving Goffman once said that life is like a stage—we learn how to behave by watching others. And when certain behaviours bring rewards, we tend to repeat them.
We sometimes see the echoes of unlearned boundaries later in life. A grown-up child who constantly asks for money. Another who creates conflict when they feel overlooked. On social media, in workplaces, even within families, we see emotional pressure used to influence outcomes. What began as a frustrated outburst in aisle three becomes a pattern for navigating adulthood.
The Bible, which speaks deeply to human behaviour, offers a wise reminder: that children left without guidance may bring distress, not only to others but to themselves. And that growing up means putting aside childish ways—not emotions themselves, but the misuse of them. There’s a profound difference between expressing honest feeling and using feeling as leverage.
Of course, not every tantrum is a sign of trouble. Children are learning. And many outbursts pass quickly with love, reassurance, and time. But if we shy away from saying no, or avoid teaching how to handle disappointment, we risk raising adults who find it hard to hear “no” too. And life, inevitably, brings its share of no’s.
Discipline, in its truest sense, is not about punishment. It’s about teaching. Helping a child understand their place in the world, consider others, and learn how to respond when things don’t go their way. That’s how they grow into resilient, gracious adults.
Image generated with the assistance of Microsoft Copilot
The Screaming Child Grows Up
The Tantrum That Grows Up
"There’s a profound difference between expressing honest feeling and using feeling as leverage."
We’ve all seen it. A child in a supermarket throws a fit—shouting, stamping, maybe even collapsing to the floor. This is not a baby. This is a child who is old enough to begin to realise that life has limits. They want a toy or some sweets, and they’re not taking no for an answer. Nearby, a parent looks weary or flustered as he sits on the centre of the supermarket isle, refusing to budge. Unsure how best to respond. We glance over, perhaps with sympathy, perhaps with relief it’s not our child, and we carry on.
What we don’t often think about is this: that child will grow up.
Tantrums are part of childhood. Every child tests limits. Most parents do their best in the moment, often in public, while juggling fatigue, pressure, and a host of other responsibilities. But if certain patterns—especially ones that revolve around getting one’s way through emotional pressure—are never gently addressed, they don’t always disappear. Sometimes they simply shift form.
As children mature, they learn to adapt. If early on they discover that raising their voice, making a scene, or pulling at emotions brings results, they may carry those lessons forward—though often in subtler ways. A teenage version of the tantrum might look like guilt-tripping a sibling. An adult version might involve emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behaviour, or even playing one person off another. The core dynamic—struggling with limits—can persist.
Psychologists have long observed that children need boundaries to thrive. Boundaries are not about control, but about safety, love, and preparing for real life. Sociologist Erving Goffman once said that life is like a stage—we learn how to behave by watching others. And when certain behaviours bring rewards, we tend to repeat them.
We sometimes see the echoes of unlearned boundaries later in life. A grown-up child who constantly asks for money. Another who creates conflict when they feel overlooked. On social media, in workplaces, even within families, we see emotional pressure used to influence outcomes. What began as a frustrated outburst in aisle three becomes a pattern for navigating adulthood.
The Bible, which speaks deeply to human behaviour, offers a wise reminder: that children left without guidance may bring distress, not only to others but to themselves. And that growing up means putting aside childish ways—not emotions themselves, but the misuse of them. There’s a profound difference between expressing honest feeling and using feeling as leverage.
Of course, not every tantrum is a sign of trouble. Children are learning. And many outbursts pass quickly with love, reassurance, and time. But if we shy away from saying no, or avoid teaching how to handle disappointment, we risk raising adults who find it hard to hear “no” too. And life, inevitably, brings its share of no’s.
Discipline, in its truest sense, is not about punishment. It’s about teaching. Helping a child understand their place in the world, consider others, and learn how to respond when things don’t go their way. That’s how they grow into resilient, gracious adults.
Image generated with the assistance of Microsoft Copilot