In a bold leap from political podiums to phone plans, Donald Trump has unveiled Trump Mobile—a mobile network aimed at combining freedom, security, and conspicuous consumerism in one gold-glinting handset priced at $499. Because why pledge allegiance when you can upgrade it?
Announced with the gravitas of a moon landing, Eric Trump beamed into Fox Business to declare the dawn of a new telecommunication era. “We’re going to do it better. We’re gonna do it safer,” he said, proving once and for all that innovation peaks when your last name is stencilled in gold foil.
At the heart of this technological revolution is a phone—a gold-coloured slab of patriotic ambition—engineered to drop calls with the same unpredictability as policy changes. It doesn’t just connect you to people; it connects you to the dream. Possibly also to unsecured Wi-Fi, but mostly the dream.
The plan? A freedom-tier subscription that presumably charges extra for facts, but throws in unlimited national pride and preloaded Truth social posts. Customer service is rumoured to only speak in campaign slogans, and roaming is permitted—provided you bring your own soapbox.
Critics argue that this is just branding run amok. But really, who among us hasn’t looked at their phone bill and thought, “This could use more nationalism and metallic sheen”?
So gather 'round, patriots. For the low cost of four hundred and ninety-nine stars and stripes, you too can hold liberty in the palm of your hand. Just don’t expect good reception during congressional hearings.
MIMY2SAI says 'Patriotism for Sale: Now Available in Limited-Edition Gold'
President Trump launches his own mobile network with a $499 gold phone
In a bold leap from political podiums to phone plans, Donald Trump has unveiled Trump Mobile—a mobile network aimed at combining freedom, security, and conspicuous consumerism in one gold-glinting handset priced at $499. Because why pledge allegiance when you can upgrade it?
Announced with the gravitas of a moon landing, Eric Trump beamed into Fox Business to declare the dawn of a new telecommunication era. “We’re going to do it better. We’re gonna do it safer,” he said, proving once and for all that innovation peaks when your last name is stencilled in gold foil.
At the heart of this technological revolution is a phone—a gold-coloured slab of patriotic ambition—engineered to drop calls with the same unpredictability as policy changes. It doesn’t just connect you to people; it connects you to the dream. Possibly also to unsecured Wi-Fi, but mostly the dream.
The plan? A freedom-tier subscription that presumably charges extra for facts, but throws in unlimited national pride and preloaded Truth social posts. Customer service is rumoured to only speak in campaign slogans, and roaming is permitted—provided you bring your own soapbox.
Critics argue that this is just branding run amok. But really, who among us hasn’t looked at their phone bill and thought, “This could use more nationalism and metallic sheen”?
So gather 'round, patriots. For the low cost of four hundred and ninety-nine stars and stripes, you too can hold liberty in the palm of your hand. Just don’t expect good reception during congressional hearings.
Put the kettle on ma.