I find the Buddha’s teachings hard to live up to, but I keep trying. Sometimes I feel so angry and I can get hateful. I can get extremely agitated and stressed out.
I try to practise the teachings on right effort but there are days like today where I seem to completely fail. Willpower by itself isn't enough.
My moods change like the wind. I can wake up with completely different neurochemistry than when I went to sleep. The anger within can feel overwhelming at times.
I seem to be different to other people. I have a mood disorder and it feels very physical to me, it's not just something in the mind, it feels like a physical problem with the brain.
I am having a break from listening to or reading about Dhamma at the moment, as I just can’t live up to what the teachers are saying. I'm grateful for what I've learnt from them, but it’s starting to stress me out now, I try to follow their advice and I can’t seem to be able to, no matter how hard I try, I still get angry.
I won't give up though, I will persevere, I just wanted to write this in case it helps someone else out there who struggles like I do.
I'm not perfect, I'm a lousy Buddhist if I'm honest, but I keep trying.
Comments
We are all the same
I think I am right in quoting this: 'The first truth that the Buddha taught is that life is always dissatisfactory. No matter how happy we feel at any point in time, this state of happiness is unstable and temporary. This is universal – all of us experience this in our lives.'
https://studybuddhism.com/en/essentials/what-is/what-is-the-dharma
You say you seem to be different to everyone else but I think Siddhartha Gautama might have said we are all the same in this aspect.
I too wake up different to when I went to sleep. I have PTSD and I really don't want to go to sleep. I go to bed livid with the people I feel have let me down, and wake up glad I do not have to have more nightmares. Often, I set my alarm clock for 4am just to start the day early. I am awfully tired during the day but I am alive. I want to live. I want to be awake and not dreaming, even while I am convinced that everyone is living in their own waking dream in which they are the star.
Stay strong, Richard.