I went to a clinic for those who don't do enthusiastic greetings. Long story, but they put me on a high fiver diet.
Personal Blogs
One Liner
Sunday, 3 Sep 2017, 20:57
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Cracker Question
Friday, 1 Sep 2017, 00:54
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What do you need to get into pollen count school?
Exam Scandal
Friday, 1 Sep 2017, 00:45
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Apparently top independent schools now suggest pupils consider useful trades, rather than going to university. Shockingly, questions in the plumbing exam may have been leaked.
The Adventure of the Altered Will
Thursday, 31 Aug 2017, 01:30
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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 31 Aug 2017, 01:36
After Mrs. Hudson had cleared away the remains of our breakfast, my friend Sherlock Holmes and I settled down to our respective morning work.
Puffing away at my old and most familiar pipe, I worked steadily at my memoirs, through which I hope one day to bring before the Public the experiences of a medical man in army life. Meanwhile my silent companion cast his keen scrutiny over a mysterious document that had come by the first mail.
Suddenly my train of thought was derailed.
"What devilry has been at work?", he cried. "Some portion of this paper had been obscured by a white substance, and new writing has replaced the old. Only a scientific investigator such as myself would ever have noticed the change. What say you, Watson?"
I could not entirely banish an element of pride from my voice as I answered. Having only the previous day paid a visit to one of the shops operated by Messrs. W.H.Smith I had the advantage of my friend for once.
"It is, I believe, known as 'correction fluid'. What you see there's Snopake like Holmes", I replied.
L'Embarcation
Wednesday, 30 Aug 2017, 03:11
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I waved. You waved.You waved to me.
I knew it then, but still went off to sea.
Haiku of Summer
Wednesday, 30 Aug 2017, 01:27
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summer's like that poem
you loved back then
but never truly understood
The La Rose
Tuesday, 29 Aug 2017, 23:42
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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 29 Aug 2017, 23:43
Do not weep for your frail roses. come
Come away with us now.
To our crystallised world
Where flowers live for millennia. come
Where the pain will be slowed. come
Spoonerism
Tuesday, 29 Aug 2017, 20:40
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Yesterday the Rev. Spooner was evicted from a tatami shop, for describing what they sold as "only rats and mice".
One Liner
Monday, 28 Aug 2017, 23:46
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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 28 Aug 2017, 23:47
It's a tradition in our family that none of us eat coley on the last Monday in August. We call it "ban coley day".
Nights Out
Saturday, 26 Aug 2017, 23:41
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Fill in each of the blanks below.
We went out drinking with the people from the local
- china shop. Well, we got ___ ed.
- supermarket. Well, we got ___ ed.
- salvage firm. Well, we got ___ ed.
- snooker hall. Well, we got ___ ed.
- calculator shop. Well, we got ___ ed.
Tom Swifty
Saturday, 26 Aug 2017, 22:05
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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 26 Aug 2017, 22:06
"I had the outside toilet removed", Tom said luridly.
Playground Joke
Saturday, 26 Aug 2017, 22:03
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Q. Which mountain is best in a quiz?
A. Mt. Cleverest
The mysterious origins of the word "dog"
Friday, 25 Aug 2017, 20:29
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The word is found in Old English, but it's not of Germanic origin, in fact no origin is known. Where "dog" occurs in other languages it's borrowed from English, describing types or breeds of dog, in the same way we have dachshund or Irish wolfhound.
Of course we also retain the Germanic word "hound" which is used in some contexts, but most of the time a dog is a dog is a dog.
There are several words from Old English that
- End in "G"
- Have unexplained origins
- Refer to animals
Think of "frog", "hog", "pig", and "earwig".
As an aside, "hound" is from the same origins as Ancient Greek "kynos", and Latin "canis". And "kynos" is where Diogenes and the "dog philosophers", the Cynics, took their name from.
One Liner
Friday, 25 Aug 2017, 13:57
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I asked the chef if he could do me 100 pancakes, all piled on top of one another. He said he'd try, but it'd be a tall order.
Epitaph for a Crime Novellist
Thursday, 24 Aug 2017, 02:58
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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 24 Aug 2017, 22:13
Hugh dunnit?
Goldie Losh ana Bearsh
Thursday, 24 Aug 2017, 02:10
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Hey, hey, good Bruin!
What cha' got doing?
How's about brewin something up for me?
The Journey to the East
Thursday, 24 Aug 2017, 01:42
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Where I shall go,
I cannot know.
What I shall be,
I cannot see.
How I shall travel,
I cannot unravel.
Why I shall go away,
I cannot say.
Epitaph of a Pessimist
Wednesday, 23 Aug 2017, 00:08
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Womb.
Gloom.
Doom.
Tomb.
Tom Swifty
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 21:42
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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 21:42
"So, have you ever seen the Aurora Borealis?", asked Tom politely.
Course of Justice
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 21:06
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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 21:07
The inquest was headed in the wrong direction. Then we turned a coroner.
One Liner
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 18:53
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I was made redundant. Before that I'd just been dundant.
Two Playground Jokes
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2017, 00:55
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Q1. What kind of cheese gives you wind?
?
Q2. What sort of cake would an aristocratic part in a historical drama be?
?
Old Mortality
Monday, 21 Aug 2017, 02:43
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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 21 Aug 2017, 02:59
"Can we forever live", came then the cries.
"Of course, of course my dears", soothed the replies.
"We simply wait for more supplies,
Of the Elixir of Lies."
Sunset Hideaway
Monday, 21 Aug 2017, 00:34
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She knew my name!
My cheeks were aflame.
But sunset crushes
All our blushes.
John Milton
Sunday, 20 Aug 2017, 23:48
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You may have read in the press, that newly published letters reveal the poet John Milton travelled to Florence, and while there met the great Galileo.
Other documents, recently discovered, point to Milton having been an addictive gambler during his time in Italy. Apparently he always carried the necessary equipment with him, but was often careless with it. In a typical entry from his diary, he wrote
Pair of dice, lost.
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