In the graveyard.
Not pissing but crying.
"Ding-Dong! Avon Calling!", said Tom in a withering manner.
"Whom put a spider down Grandma's neck is wrong, it should be 'who', not 'whom'", Tom explained grammatically.
Literally. My father had an old banjo and he liked to strum and sing. Some of the songs he sang were versions of well-known folk songs, although I didn't know it at the time, or even that there were such things as folk-songs.
A song I particularly remember is "Barbara Allen".
Twas in the merry month of May,
When green buds all were swelling.
Young Jimmy Groves on his death-bed lay.
For love of Barbara Allen.
This is a melancholy story, of love unrequited, and repentance come too late. Our own family version ends
As she was going across the fields
She heard the death bell knelling.
And stroke to her did say
Hard-hearted Barbara Allen.
Oh mother, oh mother, go dig my grave
Dig it both long and narrow.
Young Jimmy died for love of me
And I will die tomorrow.
There is real poetry there I think.
Although I had no idea about it back then, the song is in the famous collection of ballads assembled by Francis Child. The first known publication is from 1740, but Samuel Pepys in his diaries mentions what looks to be the same ballad. The Wikipedia article is very informative.
Later in my early twenties I heard Joan Baez sing the song, and I still love the way she does it. But she (and many others) add a final consolatory verse, in which the sad pair are in the end united, a rose and a briar that grow from their respective graves, and intertwine. I don't like that. It is a sad poem and best kept so.
Did you know people who 'knew their letters' were at one time consider to be dangerously clever?
They could could fascinate unschooled folk, and lead them astray, by employing dark knowledge of writing, and so these grammarians were called glamorous.
Be as that may*, here are some pre-release definitions from my upcoming book, Grammar Made Silly.
noun = occasionally, as in 'noun then'
adverb = a doing word, encouraging us to buy, as in 'save '
pronoun = singular of pronounce
conjunction = road intersection noted for the sale of genuine designer goods
* Subjunctive mood, let it be noted.
I found you can buy Pal Dog Food on eBay. So you'd be paying for Pal with PayPal.
The judge said, "To serve five years".
"Is that a proper sentence?", I asked doubtfully. "It doesn't have a finite verb".
My watch doesn't show hours or minutes. Mind you it's only second-hand.
I said "Doctor, Doctor. I keep imagining I'm a kind of irregular garden paving". She said, "You're crazy".
I don't know if you've smooched a mammoth.
If you have, then you'll know it's a hoot.
For this woolly mammal,
Twice the size of a camel,
Just adores a big kiss on its snoot.
I was expecting a helicopter to pick me up. But my chopper was axed.
Traditional cottage pie for dinner tonight. The thatch was a bit chewy, if I'm honest.
There was a young lady from Belvoir,
Who said mispronouncing would grelvoir.
She explained, "In this word,
A large rodent is heard".
But she found no-one would belelvoir.
Up on the high grassland,
Warriors lie yet unburied.
Glory.
All the kids loved the day out. Except Russ.
He was forced to run along beside the bus.
All the kids loved the helicopter flight. Except Dwight.
When you're outside, you have to cling on tight.
All the kids loved the underwater adventure. Except Jeff.
He found it hard to hold his breath.
All the kids loved the zoo trip. Except Jack.
He ended up as a snack.
All the kids enjoyed the castle visit. Except Neil.
He didn't realize the guillotine was real.
I was prosecuted for blocking a right of way. It was my defence that got me off.
Green leaves, green leaves, warm my heart.
Red leaves, red leaves, tear it apart.
Yellow leaves, yellow leaves, just like you.
White leaves, white leaves, and so adieu.
Aristotle dumped his story about three bears
On the grounds that no-one cares.
But after a fairly minor twiddle
It became the theory of the golden middle.
.
Of late Sherlock Holmes had brought several delicate investigations - some involving the noblest families of Europe - to satisfactory conclusions, that brought well-earned gratitude, and even a whisper of honours, although on this my lips must remain sealed.
However these exertions left my friend utterly exhausted. Concerned for his health, I proposed we take a short Continental holiday, and was gratified when he embraced my suggestion.
We determined we would travel to Russia, a country of which neither of us had any personal acquaintance. Messrs T. Cook arranged our passage and transportation, and secured for us accommodation in a charming dacha, as the Russians call holiday homes in the country.
Having ascertained in advance that our dacha had its own telegraph connection, I took with me a portable telegraph machine. Even though our time in the dacha was to be a period of relaxation for my friend, I realised instinctively that his restless intellect might demand to know the latest news from the heartbeat of that great capital city, London.
We quickly settled into our dacha. I spent the time agreeably, working on my memoirs of life as a military medical man, while Holmes put some final touches to his monograph on the identification of large dogs by their paw prints. We kept in touch intermittently with Mrs Hudson, who furnished us with choice news items, although Holmes often tutted at the lack of detail.
On third day I looked from my work and glancing out of the window beheld a large number of bears advancing towards our home. Strangely each covered its face with a paw, in what seemed a bashful manner. Yet their demeanour seemed hostile; even aggressive.
”What d'ye make of this Holmes?", I asked. My friend looked up and his keen intellect at once grasped the situation.
"Switch your electrical machine off immediately Watson", he cried, "Can't you see we are under shy bear attack?"
My walking stick is becoming wild and hard to control. I think it's turning ferrule.
It's well known that
A. Buttered toast always falls buttered side down.
B. Cats always land on their feet.
An old joke asks what would happen if we strapped a slice of buttered toast on a cat's back, buttered side up, and dropped the pair. Would toast and cat spin frantically round their common axis as they descended?
This is farcical of course, but reminds me of a though-experiment by Galileo. In Galileo's time many believed that heavy objects fell faster than light ones. Very well, asked Galileo, what would happen if we connected a heavy objects and a light one with a piece of cord, and let them fall?
The Tao of Toast
Another old joke concerns a monk who dropped his buttered toast and it landed buttered side UP!!!
In a state of great perturbation he scurried off to see the Abbott.
"Father", he said, "I am an old man and have eaten much buttered toast in my time. My toast often falls from my weak old fingers and heretofore it has always landed with the buttered side down. Today it was buttered side up. Father, does this prodigy foretell the end of ages, the second coming, and the day of judgement?"
The Abbot answered, "My Son be calm and do not disturb yourself. The explanation is simple. You buttered the toast on the wrong side."
When the weather is too dry,
It makes umbrella sellers cry.
But when the heavens open then,
The brolly men rejoice again.
"Down with rum!", cried Tom in a fit of temper rants.
"I draw the line at coke", Tom snorted.
Q. What's your waste bin?
A. 30, back thin.
Your correspondent Wise Owl reporting from elections for the Parlement of Foules
Many perches are not counted yet but
The flight polls indicate
Eagles: losing grip
Geese: down
Tits: up
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