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Writing by numbers without numbers 8

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Wednesday, 28 May 2025, 19:22

The address for all my blogs: https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/view.php?u=zw219551

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[ 12 minute read ]

If you are new to these blogs then this series of 'Writing by numbers without numbers' will make more sense if you go to 'Writing by Numbers without numbers 1', Scroll down for number 1

The address for all my posts: https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/view.php?u=zw219551


How does your garden grow?

In trying to write about how love starts, develops, changes, plateaus, and dies. I have had to consider that there are extraneous circumstances that impact on how I understood love to be. I thought love was pure; that it conquers all. In fact, love seems to come in different forms and each form can be appropriately used for only one purpose. The love a parent has for a child that is not their own originates from an urge to protect something cute and vulnerable. I read somewhere that the reason that kittens and puppies are cute is so they are cared for by their species. It could be a ‘chicken and egg’ thing though. Anyway, in humans, I believe, our familiarity with a cute infant grows into love for that individual. The important thing here is that in almost every situation an infant to almost every person is not a threat to circumstances that are invariably controlled by adults. And, here, is where love has an injurious enemy; an individual’s desire to control. Of course, we can’t have pre-school-age politicians making laws for adults to follow. So, there has to be a necessity to shape lives, but, I suggest, sometimes in shaping lives we inadvertently shape love.


I chose to compare a garden throughout a year with how love unfolds and changes. Weather affects the garden and is inevitable.


These are the notes I wrote after I had written my little love story about Toby, Mimie and Kate. I know England’s seasons so I could quite easily use the changing seasons as a template to how love in my story unfolds. However, I always wanted to have a parallel story taking place alongside, that mirrors what is happening to Toby, the protagonist, so I had to dwell a little in my imagination and wax lyrical in these notes.


It is Winter. The nights are cold and mostly cloudy. It is usually damp; humidity is always high during the cold months in England. Thankfully, the snails and slugs are absent from gardens. There really isn’t much for them to eat when the temperature stays below 5oC. It rains quite a bit and sometimes snows across the whole country.


Snow can fall as tiny frozen particles, which are more like the ice scraped from the inside of a home freezer. Snow, as we commonly recognise it as white clumps of frozen water, can fall straight down when there is no wind and the temperature of the flakes are too warm to keep the six fingered stars it naturally crystalises into when the conditions are right. It can float to the ground and is toyed with by the slightest hint of a wind when the temperature is just right. This is romantic snow. This is the snow that children stop doing their school-work and watch through the school-room windows, in awe. ‘It’s snowing’ they say. Their voices might just as well be welcoming Father Christmas because right before them is a magic show that means that they will have a new kind of fun. Different games will be played; snowball fights; making angels in the fallen snow with their bodies; and snowmen, women, children, and snow-animals will be made. This is the snow that we see on Christmas cards and photos of winter scenes when it lays atop branches and walls, and has bluish shadows, not grey. This is the snow that creates a monotone landscape, with stark silhouettes of trees and tiny cottages huddled on hillsides. This is the snow that sits on the thatched rooves of cottages with smoky chimneys on Victorian style Christmas cards and really exists in Yorkshire and Wales. The promised warmth of the fire inside the cottage makes us happy. But what if the snow is on a building with a collapsed roof, or lies atop a still body. What if the snow comes at the ground from an acute angle and is driven by a gale. What if cyclists trying to get home are blown into ditches, or sheep are lost on hillsides because they cannot see far enough to the next safe place? This is the same frozen water but comes in the name of destruction and ruin. A poet might make a romance from a blizzard but most of us have no affection for it.

Snow can blanket the ground and seal it off from severe freezes. This can save the dormant bulbs and tubers for plants such as snowdrops, crocuses, and bluebells. Many gardens have Spanish Bluebells as ornamental plants, though these will poke their leaves into the sunlight early in the year, it is not until early spring that they start to flower.


Once the temperature rises and snow does not fall, we are confronted with rain, no-one likes rain, except people who don’t like the lingering and persistent snow that just lies around doing nothing and getting dirty. At least rain move the snow on. Now in Spring, the wind blows hard and drives the rain sideways and cyclists off course. When the rain hits people in the face, it stings and cold and wet bone-felt cold. Joggers and cyclists feel it on the bridge of their noses and across their cheek-bones. Late Winter and early Spring is a season which forces people to know it is there. There is even a folklore character associated with Spring – Jack Frost. This sprite is responsible for those magnificent mornings of white lawns and parklands, when the trees are still bare but the sun is bright.


In Spring, we have the first hopes of better weather when we see the still low sun melt the frost wherever it can reach, but ‘Jack’ hiding in the shade of walls, allotment sheds, buildings, and large trees, still persists in his work. We see a stark contrast on the ground of white and still dormant green grass where the sun has reached and melted the frost. The edges are clear, there is no mistaking that the sun is winning the battle for control over the earth. This is a mark of the earth reawakening. Now the gardeners are seeing tiny shoots in the ground and try to identify what they are; they don’t want to pull up any seedlings that they want to keep and which they hope to nurture throughout the rest of the growing period. They have hopes for a colourful and satisfying outcome. But anxiously, they wait for the time that a frost will not destroy their efforts to introduce new plants to the soil.


This is a time of speculation, of rising hopes and dashed dreams. Excitement is quickly replaced by disappointment and submission. It is a time of both wins and losses. Choosing which paths to take to bring about a spectacular and rewarding showing of flowers or a hoped for bounty of vegetables fills growers up and down the country with fascination, discovery, sadness, and triumph. Slowly, the tiny seedlings in the ground grow. They are noticed but not yet identifiable except to the most fastidious and rigid gardener who grows the same plants each year. The experienced grower has long ago learnt to recognise and differentiate the weeds from the plants worth growing. Yet, the funky people, with their own gardens, are looking at the use of the plants that live only at the periphery of most of our attention; they want the wildlife to enjoy themselves; to be able to reproduce and make more insects that pollinate the local flowers. In these people’s gardens both weeds and cultivated plants grow. There is a respect for the weird, the unusual, and the temporary aberrations in the world.


It is late Winter and early Spring when optimistic people plant seeds in seed-trays and let them warm on their window sills and other places. Little moments of expectation of a good reward later in the year cheer these winter-weary, sometimes lonely people. Many people who want to grow plants, cannot be tolerated in their homes by their partners and fellow renters if they leaves traces of soil and seedling compost inside their shared homes.


Spring is a time for making plans, determining courses of action, and making decisions. It is a time of adjustment and temporary disruption. Effort put in now will pay off later. Yet, there are downfalls and tendrils of anticipated joy are shrivelled by the changeable weather. A period of unexpected low temperature devastates newly transplanted seedlings which have been carefully grown over the two or even three months from seed. Mini heatwaves bring forward flowering periods and give plants an obvious head-start. Now, if the plants have grown too quickly, a dry period will mean the gardener will need to water the garden. An expectation of an easy life and letting nature provide moisture for the plants sometimes does not happen. Artificial and structured action is taken in the garden. The growth in the garden is no longer organic. It does not find a comfortable place in nature. Among all this human activity directed at producing strong plants to enable a good floral display or harvest, the pests also gather; the snails and slugs, menace to every gardener savagely munch on the new and tasty favourite plants in midnight feasts. By morning, they have gone; only a few leave their presence known with their demise spread on garden paths and pavements from the tread of late-night teenagers, who now brave only chilly nights to kiss and vape.



Late Spring signifies to the gardener that whatever they have sown, so shall they reap (or less than what their efforts have so far have achieved). There is now no time to start new plants. There is no expectation of a bright and colourful garden or a bountiful harvest if the first efforts have not given adequate results. Except there is; sometimes, there can be found young plants that other gardeners have started early, but are left out for their neighbours to adopt. Sporadic offerings in villages might include tomato, cabbage, pepper, and courgette plants and a garden in late spring once cleared of weeds and lightly dug, can change from bare brown soil to short rows of young vegetable plants only a few inches high, or flower-beds suddenly have their bareness neatly replaced with spots of young leafy plants. For the buyer of these plants, there is an expectation of pleasure that comes about through not hard work or gentle nurturing. In the garden, there are plants that have been collected from, or donated by neighbours and other kind persons that have been adopted and will be lovingly cared for, just like a human parent wants their charges to do well in life, so a gardener with these plants gains pleasure from providing care and nutrition. Not all of us are ‘green-fingered’ or amazing pet owners. Plants are least expensive on our time than other people, just like, in the villages and very small towns across the world, cats are easier to ignore than are dogs, so in many gardens there are plants doing well and plants doing less well.


The Spring weather has sections made up of days of sunshine followed by days of cloud and days of rain. There are troughs and peaks. One day the landscape is turning green and a week or two later, the weeds are tall and the buds of leaves on trees have opened. Gone is the bareness and a parade of what is to come is experienced; Summer.


The garden in early Summer has only some of the effect that a gardener is ultimately aiming for. Of course, there are flowers, but for many gardeners these are ‘fillers’ that have been specifically grown to preserve the space for the ‘grand show’ or the ‘extravaganza’ that 365 days of planning, effort, and adaptation, will have brought about. At least, that is the plan.


Summer is a time of unified expectation of fair weather. This is when, as children, we might lay in a field or a back garden and point out to each other the shapes of the clouds against a deep blue sky, and how they resemble animals or faces. Rarely, would we ‘see’ houses or motorised ships. If we are lucky, and only half child, we might see a sailing ship from yester-times. Maybe grandad is keeping an eye on the kids when that happens.


Blue skies tell us that we can allow ourselves to be confident that our efforts towards a scheduled day of fun will be reciprocated. We might go to the beach or the seaside. In the garden, the plants will sunbathe and be visited by insects, but like us they will begin to feel thirsty. In the plant world, this is an indication that it is time to flower. Early flowers in Spring will have been triggered by a lack of rainfall. In the garden, the tomato plants that are still in plant pots and didn’t get planted in the ground or taken by neighbours from outside gardeners’ homes, will be in advanced stages of fruiting if they have experienced a wave of drought and flood period. Plants in pots in early summer will usually experience this. Little fruits on the plants are there but these will never reach a satisfactory size, and will only be considered to be the result of laziness or lack of planning. In any case, they sit by the shed, half-forgotten but not fully discarded because no-one has the heart to just kill them by dehydration. The lawn, green if it has rained occasionally needs cutting and is the chore that almost surpasses the pleasure of having a garden lawn. In many gardens there is only a lawn and it is cut only because there is some notion that we will be judged by others that we are unruly in our minds, if it is left to its own devices. So, we must tame it; keep it constrained; stop it running riot and having too much fun.


Summer weather in England brings with it many changes that most of us never recognise. The roads, denied a wash from falling rain become dusty. Yet, we come across this dustiness most acutely in the countryside, right outside our towns and cities. On dirt tracks, rutted by the farmer’s tractors when the ground was sodden in the two previous seasons, the dust can be kicked up by a shoe scuffing the ground. The smell of it is different to when it is wet; and different again, when it has been dry for a while and recently wetted by Summer rain, than when it has been cold and wet for long periods in Winter and Spring. The smell of the dust blends with the scent from the heated weeds happily growing on the verges. We don’t notice it much if we smell it every day, but as soon as it starts to rain so much dust is thrown into the air that almost everyone can ‘smell’ the coming rain, if they are downwind. For a few precious moments we have a new experience before the ground is wet and lays gratefully quiescent as it waits to return to its preferred state of being just moist. Of course, deserts across the world have adapted to being arid and much prefer very little water, but in England, there is a sigh of relief if the rain follows a long dry spell, Near ‘droughts’ in England, followed by steady rainfall often brings out children in swimming costumes and adults in shirts, shorts and t-shirts from their dry and safe homes into their garden where they dance with feigned glee mixed with their sudden release from the oppressive dry heat.



Autumn has the same aspect to it; dry heat is now past and there is a fullness to the air, but there is no celebration in the garden by the children. Damp soil and fully grown plants give off a scent that tells us all that the conkers on the Horse Chestnut trees are almost ripe and will fall onto the pavements below. The plants are seeding and the last tomatoes are ripening on the plants largely stripped of their leaves to encourage this last push towards an edible product. This is a time when, in England, the sun gives a different light to us. It is a light tinted with yellow; a softer light, but fuller, despite there being a significant shift from the full spectrum of light that originated from the sun. Autumn is a time of contentment; still warm in its early stages, people are still wearing shorts and skimpy tops but now there is a frisson of cautiousness in us, a slight chill that without us knowing it, excites us; attracts our attention; not like a glass of iced water in Summer accidentally split on us that gives us a delightful shock; more similar to a very rapid wave of goosebumps that passes before we acknowledge it.


As early autumn progresses towards mid autumn there are more days of cloud but the days of sun are warm and humid. This is when the gardener finally reaps something from their many hours of effort. Root vegetables are pulled from the ground, cabbages are cut as they are needed, and top-fruit is picked; apples; pears; plums; blackberries are plucked from gardens or, for some of us, from roadside trees. This is when the person picked up for work in the morning who takes the same amount of time to eat an apple when they get in the vehicle has thrown it by the roadside and a row of apple trees have grown. Often considered to be vandals of the countryside by people in following vehicles, gardeners and scavengers laud them as heroes.


The leaves turn from green to reds, yellows, russets, pinks, burgundy and finally brown, and fall from the trees. If we are lucky, we might have a period of dryness that lets us rake up the leaves in the garden in mounds that creatures like hedgehogs enjoy, or in our roads and streets get pushed around by passing traffic and fickle wind. Inevitably though, they will get wet and never dry out. Slowly, the thin parts fade and there is only the skeletal veins of the leaves, which collapse among themselves over the next weeks. Some of these last until Spring but only a tiny few. Autumn was once when we would preserve fruit by fermenting or pickling. Meat would be salted to last over the Winter. Autumn is both a time of bounty and a time of planning for the coming meagreness of Winter.





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Writing by numbers without numbers 5

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Saturday, 26 Apr 2025, 13:40

The address for all my blogs: https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/view.php?u=zw219551

The tags for seeing only the evolution of this story are:  writing by numbers, the evolution of a character, the evolution of a story. If you can see the list of tags to the right you can click on the suggested (above) links to eliminate all the rest of the posts. If you can't see the links click on the link above and then they should be visible when the page reloads.

PART TWO OF THIS STORY IS ALREADY POSTED AS 'Writing by Numbers without numbers 6' and is below this post.

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I am not a writer. If you are on a writing course, particularly with the Open University, your first focus should be with your course material and tutor advice.

I have been trying to write about love; the purpose of which is to force myself to confront something that is difficult for me to do. Throughout my effort, I have been looking to eliminate worn out cliches and avoid simplistic declarative statements. Overall, I wanted to discover characters and characteristics that I could use elsewhere in understanding diverse topics. I like to anthropomorphise dry subjects to make them easier for me to understand. The 'plot' of the story is clear to me; but the whole thing is incomplete because to give it substance I still have to have a parallel environment that follows rules we are all familiar with; I have chosen a full calendar year, a garden, and the weather throughout the year. This, I hope would add a canvas on which the story is overlaid. Since I have experience of a few seasons I can hold the way seasons change from one to another in my mind, and how a garden is affected. This, however, is not yet written into the story.

Here is the story without comments and corrections in two installments.

There will be constant changes to the story in content, but not plot, over the next couple of weeks. The reason for writing about love and publishing it is for me to delve into a subject that is difficult for me to write and in the process discover new ways of understanding how I can make shortcuts to imply something is happening. I have, so far, not tried to write a smooth and finished piece. This is because I wanted to share how difficult it is for me and how and what I have learnt.

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Two en either side of text that reads, Half Penny Stories

Toby fell in love Part One

PART ONE


Mimie and Chloe

(Spring 2023)

The Spring air had brought a flush to Mimie’s face that was enhanced by her closeness to her sister.

      ‘You make me laugh so much, Chloe!’

Mimie looked fondly at her older identical twin sister.

      ‘I am glad, because you’re so ugly when you don’t!’ Chloe smiled back. A long and drawn-out moment passed while her smile slowly grew to a wide grin, ‘I’m pregnant.’ she said happily.

      ‘That’s great! Oh Wow! Oh God, I love you so much right now! I am so happy for you, Chloe.’ Light danced in Mimie’s eyes and she hugged her sister.

      ‘Owen is delighted, he insists he will be a great dad and he has put in for overtime. He wants to celebrate by taking me, us, to Rome just before its born. He thinks it will be easier to carry inside me than push a buggy in a crowd.’

      ‘He is such a man!’ laughed Mimie. She was delirously happy.

January 2024 (The following year)

Kate

Toby hated Winter. The greyness of the sky with no obvious depth to it, except its blanket of dull, disinterested, clouds, gave him no hope of being comfortable to idly make his way to the bus-stop today. On days like this, his, usually substantial, breakfast was not large enough to stand in for satiation of a need that he barely recognised, aloneness. He was not lonely, it was just there was a distinct lessening of people around, during the winter months. People came out because it was necessary to do so, and not for fun.

The bare stems of hazelnut near his front door, despite being three metres tall, gave him no shelter from the frigid wind; a gusting wind that had travelled countless miles from the East and had no gift of value except a few dead leaves it blew across his path. His flower beds still showed signs of frost.

A young woman, sobbing and pushing a crying baby in a buggy passed him, coming the other way on the footpath to the main road. She miserably passed him every day. Toby thought she and the baby looked cold, and he opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. He would have taken the day off from work if he could help her somehow. These days, offering help came across as pity and contempt. 'Perhaps she needs money for heating', he thought. Tomorrow, he would leave twenty pounds on the footpath for her to find, he decided. He kept walking, feeling helpless, and ashamed.

No-one looked at him at the bus-stop. A couple of them moved from side to side, and everyone kept to their own space. There was silence, apart from little crunches from their shoes crushing small islands of late snow.

Like every day, the bus driver stopped the bus a little way from the kerb, causing the passengers to take a large step over the resident puddle. Toby could not recall there never being a puddle there. Last in the queue, Toby took the only available seat; the one that everyone avoided every day.

Dave, occupying one half of the bench, was a dog-lover. He never spoke, but his dog-haired covered clothes spoke for him. People with head colds and wet tissues were deaf to the conversation that Dave's damp clothes had with fresh air.

For Toby, it was predictable, almost fate, that he would sit next to Dave every day. It was as predictable as all the passengers' heads synchronously nodding in the same direction when they hit the pot-holes just before they entered the High Street, and again when their bodies simultaneously tilted forward when the bus braked sharply at the roadworks.

Toby got off on the High Street, outside the supermarket he usually bought his lunch from. The courthouse, where he worked locally as a defence solicitor, was just down a side street, conveniently opposite his office.

February 2024

Mimie looked at the mildew on the bedroom ceiling and the condensation on the windows. No matter how hard she tried to keep the inside humidity down it still touched the cold walls. The whole flat needed a complete overhaul and not just a wipe with diluted bleach.

The baby was crying again. It needed changing and was probably hungry and scared too. Tears 'stung' her eyes. Skipping her own breakfast she, after making the baby as comfortable as she could gently laid it in its buggy. Carefully, she covered it, as best she could, with blankets warmed by the small electric heater in the living room. Weeping now, she left the block of maisonettes and headed out on her usual route around the block. The suited man blankly stared at her as they passed one another; he always did. Today though, she looked back at him. He was standing looking at her, then he hurriedly turned and continued.

The twenty pound note, Toby had left, was under one of the buggy's wheels, and stuck to it for a few turns as Mimie carried on walking, trying to soothe the baby with its motion and vibrations. A seed of something new has been planted, though it has not yet sprouted. This is in keeping with Winter in which there is no evidence of growth, only chances.

The next day, she found a dry twenty pound note on the wet road. Obviously, it had been recently dropped there. She picked it up. Over the next six weeks, she found twelve more. It wasn’t long before she realised what was happening. She passed the good-looking suited man and then found twenty pounds. She kept them. She didn’t spend them, she saved them; each time she took them home and dried and ironed them, all two-hundred and sixty pounds.


March 2024

Kate, the prosecutor on his current case eyed him with mild interest as he passed her entering the court. She knew that cases never got to court unless there was a very strong chance that the defendant was guilty, they both did. Day after day they took it in turns to go through the routine of explaining to the magistrates in their bored voices how bad the defendant is, and then how pitiful the defendant is. Usually, they avoided each other. Today though, Kate had a seed of an idea. She was going to ask Toby if he would share his lunch-hour with her; not in his supermarket queue, instead, in the little Greek restaurant nearby.

The second lunch with Kate was a little more relaxed and just as the sun always shone for a week in February, Toby felt the relationship between them had thawed a little and he had a hopeful belief that the genuine smiles that Kate briefly gave him would become longer and more frequent.



In the restaurant, Toby inwardly winced a few times at his clumsy verbal blunders, which Kate telegraphed with minutely raised eyebrows and an almost invisible smile which only touched her eyes.

‘At least, she is open.’ he thought. ‘Not at all like her courtroom persona.’

Eventually, after three consecutive lunches together, Toby was confident that a refusal for dinner with him would be skillfully and tactfully handed to him if Kate was not interested. Kate turned her head slightly down and sideways and looked at Toby out of the corner of her eyes.

        ‘I would love to,’ she said. Her lips remained straight and level with her straight dark eyebrows.

Toby was intrigued by her mixed message of carefully veiled sensual promise and simultaneous firmness. He found her profoundly alluring. She, on the other hand, was merely cautious and had been about to turn him down, so the smile never had time to reach her lips. She had decided that a simple ‘Okay’ was blasé and went, instead, with convention. At this stage, she was on par with the girls that give a false telephone number to chancers at night-clubs. ‘I would love to’ could easily become, ‘Something came up.’ Yet, why not? It was after all her that had precipitated these meetings.

They agreed to meet on Saturday night. It was Thursday.



Kate arrived at the restaurant with a light make-up that subtly enhanced her Eurasian features. Her dark hair was piled on her head. They were seated, yet despite being formally familiar with one another in court and now over the first bumps of courtship in the Greek restaurant at lunch-times, they were still a little stiff.

Nonetheless, they both prepared the ground for a shared experience that evening that would potentially result in a more intimate introduction to one another. This, however, did not occur until two more dates had passed. By then, Toby and Kate were thinking of one another a good lot of the time, but Kate had decided that they should not meet for lunch anymore. Her idea, presented to Toby, seemed sound. She protested that their dates, and nights out, should be fresh and not mundane; in any case, they were both embroiled in their cases during the week. Soon, through Kate’s contrivance, they settled into a smooth and relaxed relationship where respect began to make way and accommodate affection and then love. If an emergency vehicle siren was heard and they could not see each other, they worried that the other might be injured. They were silly, but love brings with it divergent, almost psychotic, thinking; Confidence is boosted and people become friendlier, which tricks the mind, and things that would have been considered trite and meaningless, while one dwelt in loveless solitude, become important and relevant. 

Each day, subconscious inspection of their relationship revealed new shoots of discovery. Kate was ticklish behind her knees and Toby smiled whenever he was asleep at Kate’s house. They made breakfast together and let their fingers touch when they reached for toast or their coffee. The shape of their lives, shared with one another, seemed to be conforming to their combined values in an environment of anticipated warmth and brightness. They saw no clouds on the horizon.

Toby preferred tea with his breakfast, and at home, by himself, would eat breakfast as he readied for work; toast in one hand and jacket in the other. Then put the jacket down, and scoop some scrambled egg, which never made it to his mouth without some of it falling off the fork back onto the plate.



April 2024

It was mid morning in mid-April, but it felt like late Summer to Toby. A warm yellow sun low in the sky shone on damp full leaved plants. It seemed that all the plants had already flowered and were now preparing to make seeds. Toby felt a simultaneous surge of bitter-sweet disappointment and contentment because, despite a late English Summer being his favourite time of the year, he somehow thought that he had missed the exciting journey of getting there. The flowers seemed to have already thrown a free festival with a riot of colour, and the bees and insects had been and gone. They hadn’t, of course, and Toby, returning from a memory of the past that had snuck in and masqueraded as the present, didn’t care, because Toby was in love; Kate had inflamed his desire and he had found satisfaction. She was strong and feminine; she hid her body yet was not modest in her words or actions.

He plucked an emerging stinging nettle from near the self-seeded snapdragons. It stung his finger-tips but not really unpleasantly like a sting on the back of the hand would be, or on an arm or a leg; more a tingle; more an 'ooh!' than an 'Ouch!'.

His toast hadn’t burnt this morning. On the way to the bus, the miserable and lonely mother with the ever-crying baby in a stroller had smiled at him today. He was glad because normally he felt helpless when he saw her; helpless and unsure what to do. A jogger, recently happy to exercise, now her face, and especially the bridge of her nose, wouldn't get cold, dodged the waiting passengers. The bus, unusually, arrived on time, and he didn’t have to sit next to the man who smelled of wet dogs, because the waiting passengers at the bus stop had unthinkingly complied with some innate and arcane reasoning to let happy people go ahead of them. If these people had been sword-wielding warriors arriving at an ancient battlefield already populated with vicious barbarians, they would have looked at any man grinning at the thrill of battle and laughing in the face of death, then looked at each other and said, ‘Yeah, we’ll let him go first.’ Today though, the waiting commuters had silently and morosely just shuffled aside out of the clump of bodies that was their queue, and Toby got on first, the corners of his mouth slightly upturned.


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Writing by numbers without numbers 6

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Sunday, 27 Apr 2025, 11:56

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[ 15 minute read ]

Writing by numbers without numbers 6

(This is posted chronologically identical to 'Writing by numbers without numbers 5' and is listed after 'Writing by numbers without numbers 5')


Two men either side of text that reads Half Penny Stories


Toby fell in love PART TWO


April 2024

In town, at the courthouse, Toby passed through the metal detector and collected his belongings.

       ‘Hurry up, move along, Sir’

       ‘There’s twenty pounds down here,’ Toby said, pointing down.

       ‘Move along'

Scowls came from the other side of the metal detector. Toby moved on. The person behind him had only a phone, so was quickly through. 

        ‘Wait!’

Toby turned to see the normally weeping woman who had smiled at him today.

       'Have you got a moment? I need to talk to you. I know what you did.' Most people never want to hear this because it makes them think about when they slightly bumped a car in the supermarket car park and drove away, hoping no-one had noticed. 'It wasn't too big a bump was it? Was it?' Toby had no such fear, because he regarded himself as honest. In any case, he recognised the woman, and she was not unattractive in a dark trouser suit. Instead of the heightened perception that precedes fear, a half itch and half stinging feeling moved invisibly within him.

      'Okay, what's up?'

      'Can I buy you a coffee, at lunch-time?' Bought coffee in a courthouse came from a vending machine, and a cup of coffee that was made in the courthouse was made in the presence of other court officials, in the kitchen. This was going to be a psuedo-date, off the premises.

      'Meet here? One o'clock?' Toby smiled. Mimie smiled back. (Way too twee) Breakfast seemed too small again.

      Toby was intrigued, she didn't work here and was dressed expensively well. As duty-solicitor he hoped she was not in trouble. He wasn't expecting to meet Kate until this evening.



The lunchtime meeting with Mimie

Mimie, seated opposite Toby in the cafe near his bus stop on the High Street, appraised him and broadly smiled, her canines were the same length as her incisors. It made Toby think of a friendly spider, a beautiful vampire, and a cat all at the same time. Neither of them had ordered at the counter and so just looked at one another for a still, drawn out, moment. Toby, embarrassed by his obvious fascination with her face, reached for a menu on the table. Mimie, guileless, was not so fazed by rude intimacy and watched him with slightly raised eyebrows, and a mouth that was shaped for imminent speech. It was, for Toby, the complete immediacy of her that gave him trouble. He felt like he was drowning in fresh water while being dehydrated, and felt a pull at his stomach, a hollowness that had a metallic tang. He wasn’t hungry, but like an addict that had been free from drug abuse for years, he felt himself craving something he couldn’t identify, but conversely, he thought he might have found it.

       ‘You let me find money in the street’

Toby looked up.

She raised her eyebrows, ‘I don’t need it, you know.’ Now her confidence at being in sudden and indeterminate close-up interaction changed to a soft self-assurance. She gently placed the twenty pound notes she had saved on the table, but gave no thanks. Toby felt that she could just up and leave right now, and she would not look back at him.

       ‘The baby you saw me with, its not mine. It’s my sister’s… was my sister’s. She was in an accident in Rome, in December.’ Her face fell.

Toby felt his chair drop a little and he adjusted his body. She waited. A bus passed by outside.

        ‘What’s your name?’ he said.

        ‘Mimie’, she answered. ‘She died.’

         ‘The baby?’

         ‘No, my sister. I was looking after him at her place, waiting for her boyfriend to come back.’ She paused. A customer left. She swallowed. ‘The father. He never did. I was staying with him to help with the baby but he went out because he said he couldn’t bear to look at me any more. I felt so sorry for him. I waited for two months. I didn’t want to be with him. He knew that. He never came back. My mum has the baby now.’

She brightened, ‘C’mon!’ She stood, took his hand and started for the door.

Outside, she led him down an alley, gently pushed him up against a wall, turned to him, and pressed her body against him. Coolly, she looked him in the eyes and saw no objection there. Slowly, she pushed herself off his chest, all the time looking into his eyes, turned and went back to the High Street, and turned to him still in the alley.

        ‘Come on, silly’ she laughed. They went back to the cafe. She ordered them a cup of tea each.


The next time he saw her she was in tight washed-out jeans and he noticed how her overall carefree bounciness could be attributed to athleticism. He felt guilty; he was more a poet than a labourer; more a human than an animal; yet more a man than a boy, and he could not help himself. Above all though, it was her suddenness; her penetrating intimacy that bordered on rudeness that captured his attention. She might break out into dancing or laughing at any time, or just as quickly, walk away, everyone else forgotten.

‘It is because she is so unpracticed. That is why I like her.’ he mused.

In her bedroom she was confident and experienced. Afterwards, Toby somehow knew he was no different to the lover who was there the previous night or perhaps a different one the next day. The knowledge was like discovering there were ants in a lemon meringue pie, or a sharp strawberry tart at a picnic, but only after he had taken a few bites. He wanted to spit but still imagined he could taste her lips. His fun was sullied, but he tried to swallow his jealousy. She was ephemeral. She would never commit herself to a stable relationship. Something had broken her.

Later, at home, Toby remembered Mimie had told him about her sister dying in Rome as a new mother, and how Mimie had cared for her nephew and brother-in-law; even giving herself to Owen on one occasion, because in his grief he had wanted one last time with his wife and her sister Chloe. They had both weeped throughout, and afterwards he apologised over and over again , wandering the flat naked for hours before he dressed and left, she had said. Mimie had not wanted to bear the mantle of her sister’s role as Owen’s future partner, but in her grief she had fallen over herself to try to grasp a position from which to save herself from their drowning anguish. She had said that, since Chloe’s death, she felt like she was wearing roller-skates on the thin ice of a frozen lake, while everyone else around her was an accomplished figure skater on an ice-rink.


Remembering what Mimie had said, he replayed a scene in her kitchen when he had told her that her fridge door was still slightly open. Breaking his soft embrace, she had beamed him a grin, clasped her hands in front of her, held his eyes and keeping her feet together, hopped backwards three times and bumped the fridge door shut with a sideways shift of her hip. She had gleefully laughed. Toby knew then that he loved Mimie. She knew fun. He wept for her and resolved that he would no longer be the kind of lover who just took what she freely gave.

The compassion he had felt for her in Winter, pushing a buggy with a crying baby, and combined with his new understanding of her, brought forward within him a protective quality. He was in deep with her. He was crazy for her, and his love of, and for her, had changed, She would notice it, and he knew that things would change between them. She would do what she had always indicated she would do, and what he feared she would do; she would walk away and not look back at him. He wondered then, where she got her money. In his mind, he saw her again in her tight jeans and remembered when she had pushed him up against the wall in the alley, and a message in her eyes that said. ‘You can have this. Just ask!’. He could taste ants again because he knew other men saw it.

She had noticed his change towards her, and his soft concern, to her, manifested as being coarse and restrictive. Right then, she didn’t want to be loved, or to ever love again. It just hurt so much. Every day she remembered her sister and how she had given herself in her sister’s stead to try to keep alink with her, and every day she had silently keened with grief. She liked being held but she soon wanted it all to go away, and she knew why Toby held her now; because he thought she was beyond sad; he thought she was somehow broken. It made it worse.


(SUMMER 2024)

Kate had a large back garden with flowers in every direction. It was bright, fresh and colourful. It was also, unlike Toby’s garden, overly well cared-for; almost manicured. Guests to Kate’s home delighted in spending time in the obvious attention to care that Kate gave out. Toby felt loved by her, yet somehow she sometimes blew a little frigid and the heat from her was never scorching like he had experienced, nonetheless, he loved her deeply and warmly. Like old slippers cliched

One warm evening, when he and Kate were alone in the garden, shielded by her high fences and her neighbours oblivious to their nakedness, a cold shower caught them, dozing. The exhilierating shock on Toby’s warm skin made him think of Mimie. ‘Mimie’, he thought, ‘I want you so much!’


Christmas 2024

Kate wanted to spend Christmas skiing in Innsbuck but consented to having a few family members at her house the day before she and Toby left. This was an occasion that Toby had been waiting for since the late winter at the beginning of this year. He would finally get to share, literally the fruits of his labours in his garden.

In Kate’s Aga heated, spacious kitchen of cold marble worktops; ideal for pastry-rolling; and warm varnished wood cupboards, Toby unpacked his backpack. The hazelnuts he would crush and lightly roast to go into a chocolate ganache. The home-made strawberry jam and frozen raspberries Kate wanted to make a ripple ice-cream with. Toby fancied that his pickled walnuts would go with an evening cheese platter to enjoy with their close relatives who were staying over. He would especially enjoy the leeks he had pulled from his garden that morning, at 5am, by torchlight.



Later that evening

Keeping the engagement ring in his pocket he made his final resolution. Just like Mimie was not Chloe for Owen, Chloe’s widower, Kate was not Mimie for Toby. She never would be. He left by the back door and called an antiques dealer friend.



Mimie was not at home, or didn’t answer the door. He gave up knocking after the second time, knowing that he, himself, would have been disturbed if he was with Mimie and someone kept knocking.

Near the High Street, he knew there was a road junction where young women loosely clustered. He found her there. At first her greeting was bright and inviting, then as she recognised him it slowly faded to smiling familiarity, but still there remained hope in her eyes. She knew why he was there but she was cold and there wasn’t much going on that night.

        ‘I have something for you’ he said. ‘It‘s a ring. A special ring.’

Mimie’s heart plummeted and her face told him her fear. Toby knew then that he would never see her again. The look of horror he saw was the outward effect of her feeling of repulsion of what she thought he was offering. He imagined she was thinking ‘Creep!’ But quickly she swept her face clean and placed a mask of firm implacability on it.

       ‘This is a Mourning Ring. It’s Victorian. People would wear these to show their love is connected to their loved ones beyond the grave. It has a diamond, which is for constancy, to show that their love will be true and never fail even when they are not here. You don’t have to take it, but if you do, it’s fine with me if you sell it. He paused and looked down. 

     ‘It’s….it’s worth something.’ 

It was worth more than something, he had paid three thousand pounds and swapped an engagement ring for it.

She lifted her mittened hand and took it. Snow still clung to her mitten where she had touched a low wall and the ring lay among it. The ice nearest to it faded as the heat from Toby’s pocket still held in the ring melted it.

Toby thinking she might give it back, or worse still, see her casually throw it away, turned on the frosty pavement and walked away. His shoes crunched.

He had passed three houses before he heard her call to him.



     ‘Toby!' 

He turned. Her face was a pattern of sadness and pain, but a smile forced itself to the surface. She raised one mittened hand and waved goodbye. He thought he could make out her whispered ‘Happy Christmas, Toby’ as it crossed her lips.

Her head went down and she looked again at the ring on her now bare hand. 

       ‘Happy Christmas, Chloe’. The warmth there restored some of the heat that was lost to the dark night air.

As she turned for her warm home, a soft puff of wind in the stillness blew up a tiny whirlwind of ice particles from the pavement near Mimie, brushed her feet, and settled down again. 

       ‘Happy Christmas Toby’, she breathed. ‘Thank you.’



-end-



My thoughts go to all the young girls and boys who had their hearts broken and have never found the secret magic shop with a kind person behind the counter who fixes hearts for free; and the young boys and girls who were trained for battle at home and are confronted by minefields when they find romantic love. It is for the people who are wearing roller-skates on the thin ice of a lake, like Mimie, and are trying to reach the edge, but can only see the ice shrinking from the shore. This is for the people who grew up in an environment where love was conjoined with pain and misery; from seeing too much, who have safe love now but seek a frost on something warm. This is for the people who need vinegar on their chocolate cake and for the people for whom love once washed through an open ended street, but now for them stops in a cold cul-de-sac that no longer has a path out the other end; a dead-end that no amount of bulldozing with love will open again; and it is for the people who cry in secret when they love; because for all these people, love hurts.


Something I learned was that I could imagine a camp-fire as a metaphor for a relationship, and personalities, or more fittingly, people's love can be considered to be logs that change the quality of the fire. There can be wood that gives off bad smells; ignites quickly and burns brightly but quickly; wood that smothers the heat of the fire by its size; cold and wet wood that dampens the heat; choking smoke; long lasting embers; wood completely consumed by the fire leaving a dry ash behind; and twigs and kindling that works as treats in a steady and stable relationship in the form of outbreaks of romantic actions.


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