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Cadwell NOT Caldwell
If I was a Despot
[3 minute read ]
If I was a despot I could fix the country's problems. Here are some edicts:
'Everyone must be weighed and if you are too heavy you must park your car half a mile from your home. If you still want to carry your favourite processed food you will get exercise with it!'
'You can only use the water you carry from a mile away. Water for children will be delivered, half a litre per kilo of child.'
'Everyone will get an interest-free £5,000 loan to start a business or contribute to a money-making scheme at the age of 21. You can pool the money with other entities. The most profitable new business in specified regions, each year, will be awarded £100,000 to use for outreach purposes, training and apprenticeships. The locals will be taxed to pay for this.'
'Every week there will be a lottery to determine who must visit the local elderly person in their street. Teenagers will be exempt from this on the grounds of safety. £5 every week should be paid to a Christmas hamper fund for the benefit of elderly people, for exemption from the lottery.'
'All tax-payers will contribute fifty pence per week to the RNLI.'
'All able people over the age of 16 and under retirement age who do not work or are not in training shall be conscripted until such time as they find alternative work. Conscription shall be for a minimum of two years. Wages will not be paid. Payment shall be in the form of training across a wide field of activities and skills, from figure-skating and skiing to electronic and chemical engineering.'
'All persons over the age of 11 years old will have a Binet-Stanford IQ test every ten years and career advice given accordingly.'
'Cannabis shall be a class B drug and custodial sentences shall be given for a second offense.'
'The national speed limit on motorways and dual carriageways shall be 50mph / 80 kph. The fuel savings from this adjustment shall pay for enforcing police coverage of our roads.
'Points may be accrued for good neighbourly conduct which shall be redeemable against your annual tax bill.'
'Every pound spent abroad must be matched by a similar amount paid to your local school or college in your town or city.'
'Maypole dancing in villages shall be compulsory.'
'Long Skipping ropes will be provided to be shared by every twenty homes. A skipping rope monitor shall be elected for each rope.'
'No powered tool or apparatus shall be used on Sundays.'
'Leaders of political parties must be elected by the public from a shortlist of candidates formed by the party politicians.The only people eligible to vote shall be those who voted for a politician of the appropriate party, even if that candidate was not elected in a General Election or By-election.'
'Utility businesses shall be nationalised and prices made uniform across the country.'
'Under sixteens shall be financially rewarded for reporting previously unreported potholes. Creating potholes shall be punished by deletion of social media accounts and a custodial sentence for one parent or grandparent of the perpetrator's choice.'
'The sentence for Burglars, Robbers and thieves shall be increased to be a maximum of life imprisonment. Upon the arrest of thieves and burglars all their possessions shall be seized. Whenever a burglar or thief is given a custodial sentence one other non-violent prisoner who is not a thief shall be released on curfew, and compulsory training at a regional college or The Open University shall be undertaken. There will be a televised event wherein the convicted thief or burglar's possessions, including cars, properties, watches, jewellery, and banked money, shall be legally transferred to the newly released prisoner. Within two weeks the newly-released prisoner must donate either all the possessions or £1000 to a local youth or community group. They may sell some or all of the possessions to meet this mandate. If no qualification is achieved they shall be returned to prison and a different prisoner released in their stead. The prisoner to be released must personally thank the burglar or thief every day for a week prior to release and the televised event. Probation following their release will continue until the subject has been in full time employment for a full year following achievement of a relevant qualification.
'New parents must attend parental training to achieve a strict standard of competence. Training shall continue in perpetuity until the standard is achieved. Assessments shall be conducted every five years and re-training administered where necessary.'
'The only entities that shall be allowed to own more than one property for the purpose of residency shall be Councils.'
'Private rents shall be capped across the nation commensurate with a value per square meter of available space, including cupboards.'
'Anyone who says 'haitch' instead of 'aitch' shall be subject to a full year of education, which shall include British history, English, Celtic, Gaelic and Welsh grammar, dialect and regional accent training, and enforced extraction of Americanised words and spelling from their lexicon. Re-offending shall incur a further year of modern language training. Further recidivists shall be compelled to undertake singing lessons and must appear on Britains Got Talent for public pillorying.'