Guilt, lots of guilt. That's what I have been feeling. How can I have a new life without Nancy, my wife? Its not fair, she should be here with me. Cancer has destroyed so many lives. We had plans for after my retirement. We were going to travel together in our new caravan. See the whole of the UK then Europe.
All we had was a year. We did manage some of our plans. We traveled to Australia and some of the UK but still lots to do. So I travel alone. My daughters join me from time to time but mainly on my own.
I have to create a new norm for myself, My daughters are also finding it hard. Nancy was the family anchor. The vacuum she left is huge. I have to make decisions on my own without having to take into consideration Nancy's point of view. Now this may seem to others a good thing, but after 48 years together it only emphasises the vacuum.
She taught me to live for today and not tomorrow, she always knew, somehow, she would die young as her father and mother did. However she did manage to get to 63 rather than 50 like her Father. Live for today with the past behind me and tomorrow yet to come.
I never know what today is going to be like. Will I have a bad day feeling the guilt that I am here and she is not? Utter sadness from missing her so much? Or will today be positive and I will enjoy meeting people and doing my Open University studies? Every day is different but she is always in my mind. She talks to me. I hear her telling me to "clean the bath properly this time!" I could never clean to her satisfaction. I respond and clean the whole bloody bathroom. She tells me to be happy and it only makes me want to cry. She was the one who made friends I was not as good as her at reaching out to people but I try to live up to her example. I am a bad student.
Surrounded by her things and her photographs I know I have to clear it all away. Tomorrow though, not today. Today I am writing about us and my continuing relationship with her, my anchor. What will I do without my anchor?
Don't get the wrong impression when I say she was an anchor. It does not mean we were stuck in the same place all the time. Rather the opposite. We lived life on the edge. Working for myself, trying to earn money from whatever opportunities came up. We took risks and failed because we had made a wrong decision or failed because others were greedy and stole what we had worked for. Three times we lost our homes because of fraud and or greed. One of them we had built ourselves and that was the toughest to lose. Despite this, Nancy never lost her faith in humanity and would make friends with strangers as easily as saying hello. Her smile an ice breaker through the deepest ice.
We never saved money for a rainy day as Nancy always said "we might not be here tomorrow." So 'live for today' is my new mantra. I am off now to have coffee with a new friend I have made and when I get back I will get on with my Open University Studies. Today is one of the more positive ones.