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Self Doubt...Is it just me?

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I wonder if other people are like me, pondering the decision to embark on a degree as an older student? Maybe their thoughts are like mine? What on earth am I doing? Is this just a very expensive whim? Am I even capable of doing the work? I'm 49 years old for goodness sake!

I did actually start my degree with the OU 20 years ago however the fees increased substantially and I could no longer continue. At that time, it never occurred to me to apply for a student loan. I just assumed I wouldn't be eligible. It was something for young people.

My brain tends to deviate between go for it thoughts and don't be daft thoughts. My son is grown up and has his own home and a busy life. I work from home, only my dog is dependent on me and I have a whole lot of spare time.

Now could actually be the perfect time for me to do this. Unfortunately, when I get to feeling positive about it, my brain starts to bring me down again. Self doubt creeps in and I believe there's no way I am capable of doing this. What if I complete my first TMA, believing it to be the work of a genius and full of pride in my work, only to get it back with a poor grade? I could go on all day listing the thoughts and feelings I have about it but the point of it is, I'm just unsure if it's the right decision for a woman of my age. 

These have been my feelings for the past couple of weeks, since I pressed the register button and enrolled.

Today I received a message telling me that an old friend from back in school had passed away due to cancer. He was 49 and left behind his wife, adult son and triplets. Although we didn't keep in touch, with the exception of a happy birthday message every year, it stopped me in my tracks. I remembered sitting on the floor with him, holding hands at the school disco and all the other things that get pushed to the back of your memory over the years. They came back to me in an instant and the sadness of it all made me feel numb.

It's amazing how we don't necessarily appreciate life and the time we have left of it, until someone loses it. We just carry on running around not thinking that at anytime our lives could end. 

I realised today that if embarking on a degree is the biggest worry I have, then I am one very lucky lady! I am going to do this degree and I'm going to to do it to the very best of my ability. 49 isn't old. I'm fortunate to have reached this age, so many people haven't had that luxury. I'm going to continue with my life, collecting knowledge, growing as a person, expanding my mind and enriching my life with all the new things ahead of me.

I am now extremely impatient for October to arrive. Bring it on! 😃

If anybody else can relate to these thoughts and feelings, I would really love to hear your comments/experiences and, for anybody else who is starting the A111 Discovering the Arts and Humanities in October, I look forward to joining you on this epic journey.

Finally, just for the record, I have never written a blog post before! This in itself is an achievement 😂


Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Kathryn Sibley, Thursday, 18 Apr 2024, 13:20)
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