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Richard Walker

Bloomsday

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Today is Bloomsday, a world-wide literary festival held on the 16th June each year.

It commemorates James Joyce's novel Ulysses, the entire action of which takes place during a single day, the 16th June 1904.

In many parts of the world people dress in contemporary costume, hold readings, and enact scenes from the book, often walking along a route that imitates the one followed in the book by its main character Leopold Bloom.

This is the third year we have celebrated Bloomsday in our village. It is a small affair compared with the festivals held in places like Dublin and some cities in the US, but we are proud of it, and it is heartening to see that it has grown, and this year included events on the surrounding days as well as Bloomsday itself.

I have the honour to appear in the first event of the day. I don't have to say anything, or even move, just be in a tableau illustrating the book's opening pages. Somebody else does the reading:

STATELY, PLUMP BUCK MULLIGAN CAME FROM THE STAIRHEAD, bearing a bowl of
lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown,
ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He
held the bowl aloft and intoned:

– INTROIBO AD ALTARE DEI.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

– Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

My part is as Stephen Dedalus, who Mulligan calls 'Kinch' and who is a sort of avatar of Joyce himself.

The action takes place in a Martello tower near Dublin (the tower really exists and is now a James Joyce museum). Our local tower is just a piece of stage scenery in the best tradition, consisting of a painted sheet wrapped around a step ladder, but naturally it doesn't have to be a convincing representation of a real tower. It only has to suggest one and our imaginations take over and do the rest.

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about
and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding land and the
awaking mountains.





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Richard Walker

The Armed Man

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Edited by Richard Walker, Friday, 16 Jun 2017, 01:04
Soldiers marching past
Planes flying overhead
Brave warships anchored at the quay.

Might wring tears from your eyes.
Yet on this black earth
They are worthless
For only love matters.


My version of an anti-war poem by Sappho.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Who was that bloke that invented the steam engine? Oh, what's his name?

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Richard Walker

Limerick

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There was a young man called Phillipe,

Who never could blessed well sleep.

Though he tossed and he turned,

And he groaned and he gurned,

And he counted a quadrillion sheep.

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Richard Walker

Grim Repair

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At The Last Dance Salon, we can help you "Look your best",

When you come to dance with Dr. Death.


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Richard Walker

I Never Think of You Now

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I never think of you now.

Or hardly ever.

Except in Spring.

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Richard Walker

Playground Joke

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Q. What city can't make up its mind?

A. Ely, because it sits on the fens.

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Richard Walker

Water vole

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Water voles are a threatened species in the UK and have suffered a shocking decline.

They still live in the little stream near me, but the picture below was taken at a different location by my brother Simon, a far better photographer than I am.


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Richard Walker

Bar Joke

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A zombie walked into a bar and ordered a stiff drink.

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Richard Walker

The First Summer

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 11 Jun 2017, 00:17

It was a summer long ago,

And heaven only knows.

How many times my mother kissed

My tiny little toes.

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Richard Walker

A Driver's Soliloquy

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To pay or not to pay, that is the congestion.


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Richard Walker

Dubious Philosophy

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If I choose to let my bike coast downhill, does it prove the existence of free wheel?

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Richard Walker

True Story

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I need a stick to walk, and at the garden centre where I went for lunch today there were many others like me, so I felt quite at home. Looking round the café, I thought to myself "What a load of old hobblers".

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Richard Walker

Q and A

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What do you call a person who runs around all day long doing everything for their dog?

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Richard Walker

New Business Ad

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Edited by Richard Walker, Friday, 9 Jun 2017, 00:06

"Pet Groom Inn"

Visit our new premises and enjoy a magnificent range of Food & Drink hospitality. Your pet is clipped and cuddled "While We Wait".

At a small extra fee, we would be delighted to provide a precious memento of your pet's grooming experience. Simply ask any of our Team Members about "Video Clips".

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Richard Walker

Witty names 🐶

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 6 Jun 2017, 22:58

I love reading witty names firms give themselves.

Tonight I came across an ad for dog walkers, "Bark and Stride".

What next? Dog groomers called "Hair of the Dog"? Well that one's been taken. So I'll have to think again.


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Richard Walker

Life is not a bed of Roses 🌹

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And a jolly good thing too!

I mean, have you actually tried a bed of roses? Don't. I have, and the thorns were blessed sharp, I can tell you. Hardly got a wink all night.

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Richard Walker

Tom Swifty

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"Wingless insects, you shall never rule the world!", cried Tom defiantly.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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With my fingers I can only count up to ten, so I thought I'd add my toes. It turns out I'm totally useless.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Why would someone sell a calculator that can only subtract, multiply, and divide? It just doesn't add up.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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I've just been given a calculator that only works with whole numbers. It's pointless if you ask me.

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Richard Walker

An Earworm

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Edited by Richard Walker, Friday, 2 Jun 2017, 21:12

Earworms are tunes that haunt you, night and day, and just won't wriggle off.

My latest is 'Tristesse' – never called that by its composer, and officially titled Chopin, Etude Op.10 No. 3. Here is Horowitz playing it. Of countless recordings, this is still my favorite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISBKq29aksE

Once I thought I didn't care for Chopin but, as with much in life, time taught me I was wrong.

Chopin died young, but he had a big funeral.

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/04/20/books/chapters/chopins-funeral.html

I believe the music included the start of the Mozart Requiem, and the famous "Funeral March", Chopin's own composition from his B-flat Minor piano concerto.

Afterwards Chopin's heart was taken to Warsaw, where it still is.The story of how it has survived is one that hints the human race may be noble after all.

http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/chopins-heart

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Richard Walker

Dog Story

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A while back I was bitten by a dog.

The elderly owners were extremely apologetic, but it wasn't serious and I didn't mind. Not long afterwards they died, leaving a tidy sum to look after the dog, with the stipulation that after the dog's death what remained would come to me, as a reward for being a good sport.

Now the dog has passed away too, and I have inherited the money. So I have become an heir of the dog that bit me.

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Richard Walker

When Paris met Helen

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 1 Jun 2017, 00:10

When Paris met with Helen,

They both liked what they saw.

He whisked her off to Ilium

And caused the Trojan war.

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Richard Walker

Sad Occasion

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Edited by Richard Walker, Monday, 29 May 2017, 16:56

My wine merchant was buried today.

It was very moving as they lowered his coffin into the grave. (Gulp. Gulp).

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