Personal Blogs

Red leaf on green leaf,
Gentle breeze catching the trees,
Monolithic wall.

Birdsong on the wind,
frames the Daffodils battle.
Winter has ended.

~ my first ever haiku - written in March 2010

It bit, brutalized, a brick to the back of the brain,
the pain and paranoia, the screaming oppressiveness
I wept, recalcitrant,
my hands, endeavor to stave off the chaos.
testing, reach out to the soul, nullifying, fact, I am, worthless, I am nothing.
But my trial persists.

I speak to the woman on the phone, she asks me, ‘are you suicidal?’
of course I am suicidal!
I am a nothing,
a nobody,
a worthless shit,
they all hate me,
are out to trip me up,
and want me to fail,
I’d be better off dead,
they would be better off with me dead,
I’m a shit, shit, shit, shit.
even those that care would be happier if I was not there.

Rationally, irrational.

I hang up.
I pick up the knife, pressing it against my flesh,
evaluating it for its keenness.
A simple press against my wrist would be all that was needed.
I plan the place, nothing too grandeur,
But it needed to be away from people, I didn’t want to be saved.

I look at the headphone wire,
would it take my weight, would the banister?
Only the knowledge that she would find me halts my hands from making a noose.

A moment of clarity.

~ written by me in Jan 2011 with the following commentary:

4 months ago I suffered a severe depressive episode, I have since been diagnosed with Bi Polar II. I have written this on reflection on the worst time for me (right at the start of that major episode).

A room, I stand prone, an army assembled, yet feel alone.
The dark shade stalks, gnaws then absorbs mind’s edge.
Every morning waking to the day, a mountain to climb

Visceral fear focuses, as I fight to cross the threshold.
The dark shade consumes, dominates then mortifies mind.
Rhythmic battles,  inhalation then exhalation the only refuge.

A room, I stand alone, army retreated, yet feel alive!
The manic jester, strikes hard and true! elevating enthusiasm.
Each morning a wonder! a new day! renewed! Adventure!

Fearlessness focuses, as I jump the threshold.
The jester howls! dominates then rouses mind.
Rhythmic battles, inhalation then exhalation the only refuge.

~ written by me in Aug 2015

I'm going to post my daily haiku here on the blog so I have some place other than notebook to hold the work. Given the OU still hold all the blogs I did in 2011, I guess they are pretty reliable!

Here is this week so far

25th September:

A Morning Haiku,
Total blank thoughts led me here,
Still very sleepy.

26th September

Autumn sunshine breaks,
And trees alight with colour,
True tranquillity.

27th September

Rain on the hillside,
Dreich sky stifling the light,
Cool weather sets in.

28th September

Bird at top of tree,
Talons grip resolutely,
Stalwart guardian.

29th September

Washing clothes priority,
Forums seem so important,
Procrastination,

And today (30th September)

Well we can hope again,
The Prime minister says so,
Suspending disbelief.

Comments very welcome!