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[ 9 minute read ]
A Beano of Rags
Toast Topper Jamboree or fête champètre
The funny thing about toast is that it is a dough mix cooked twice; first when it becomes bread and then when the bread is cooked a second time to make toast. But, we don't call it biscuit.
A couple of evenings ago, it was too hot to cook in my tiny kitchen; it faces south. I love toast so much I always use the grill, despite owning a toaster. Breakfast is usually Beans on Toast; Cheese on Toast; Scrambled or Fried Egg on Toast; or Toast with a Toast Topper. I never buy toast-toppers, I make them. In fact, I always prepare my meals from scratch whenever I can.
Just lately, because I don't want to be in the kitchen when it is hot, I have been burning my toast. I have to have the kitchen door shut and so can't smell the toast when it gets to the perfect stage; when it is no longer bread. Burnt toast is okay but it takes a long time to wash away the charcoal scraped into the sink, which means being in the kitchen when it is hot.
There was plenty of food in the cupboard and fridge but I wanted toast with a topper. I burnt the toast again. But the toast-topper was great; good enough to rival any recipe on Dragons Den. Being creative, I like to make stuff up; you know, imagine what new combinations or strange juxtapositions would be like if they were brought into existence.
There are exercises in creative writing that have the student rewrite a piece from a different angle or point of view. There are also some that encourage using formulas to invent 'full' characters; like using a list of character attributes. I like to make my own exercises, though I would not be able to consider doing so without some experience of how to do it. Yesterday, I decided I would create characters inspired by the ingredients of my home-made toast-topper recipe.
Food Ingredients as characters
Tinned Mackerel in Sunflower Oil - Well, the first thing in my mind is a fisherman constrained by an environment (the tin) that has a seal to it that exposure to the outside world is entirely absent (hermetically sealed) while the inner environment (sunflower oil) preserves the fisherman from change. We know that tinned food deteriorates in quality over decades but is still presentable in a changed world. Tinned Mackerel in Sunflower Oil is a Lighthouse Keeper on a remote island who can only get supplies by infrequent helicopter drops, weather permitting. So, total exclusion with no personal contact.
Chopped Tinned Tomatoes - So, those plum tomatoes in a tin that we pay a bit more for because they are more refined than just Tinned Tomatoes. Tomatoes are still exotic to me, and I cannot help thinking about the death scene of Don Corleone in his garden tending his tomato plants and minding his grandchild in 'The Godfather' or tomato sauce on pizzas; so, I have an Italian man who is a bit more preened than any average man might have the time for (ah, 'metro-man'). Because the chopped tomatoes are also tinned this character is also constrained by an environment, but because tinned tomatoes are versatile and blend into many dishes as an ingredient rather than eaten alone, this character is popular and pervasive.
Tomato Puree (not Passava) - Following the theme from the chopped tinned tomato character above but having a less sharp taste, this character needs no construction and I will take the easy way out and make this character a mature Italian woman who acts in a cohesive manner to keep family and groups together. She is complimentary to many environments. Because the tomato puree I buy is in a tube and only a squeeze is necessary to bring about its charm, then polite and reasonable attention towards this full-bodied mature character will bring about her influence. A respected character, who is often consulted to ameliorate and arbitrate. Her lesser being, perhaps younger, would be tomato ketchup - fun and cheeky and a social success, but you wouldn't take her home to your academic parents, even as a friend. Tomato ketchup is in the cupboard for those times of need, but you don't make a reservation in an expensive restaurant with it to share your woes; tomato puree wearing pearls of wisdom is the one for that.
Courgette - This is a rather bland character, as is it taste, which is distinctive as a green freshness. Youth leaps out at me with the energy and then sudden quiet of observing and listening not dissimilar to someone under twelve years old. So, a bright, inquisitive character, more poet than poser, and more thoughtful than robust, and easily overwhelmed by large forces. However, perhaps I can add some history to this character by the way it was brought into the mix. I had some courgettes in the fridge, still in the plastic bag I bought them in, from the supermarket. They were starting to go mouldy and I had to cook them the day I noticed the decay. I removed the rot and cut them into chunks and microwaved them to be put back in the fridge to include in something else; possibly just with spaghetti, garlic and a light cheese. So, the history of the courgette brings a back-story to this character as someone who was left to fester in a cold and sterile environment and rescued by someone who helped them live an existence better suited to their inner being; perhaps an orphan or street-child when young and now mild in disposition and easily overwhelmed.
Ginger - I put a tiny pinch into the toast-topper mix, yet the shape of this flavour, which due to its vibrant strength is not eaten as a nourishing carbohydrate, as far as I know, enlivens pretty much everything I eat. This is not conflict like oyster sauce, nor zest like lemon peel; this is fizz like an unexpected, much loved and familiar guest, who is always welcome at the dinner table with outlandish anecdotes and 'on-the-edge' jokes. Perhaps then, the ginger in the toast-topper should not be a character, and instead should be a situation (despite hunger in a man with experimental taste being the real reason). I think I will go with a warm evening of dining on a sea-front (I am thinking of the fisherman/lighthouse keeper and where to fit him in).
Salt and Black Pepper - Obviously, we all know salt and pepper. Alternatively, we all think we know salt, and some of us do not like pepper. The absence of salt in our diets means we will die, but not before we start to think weird (I think it is the sodium we need). With this in mind, I have salt not as a character, but as a binder in relationships. By itself, salt is something most of us find repulsive and do not want to observe to be present, yet we secretly crave it. However, some of us buy and eat food precisely because it is salty (fish and chips; salted peanuts; salt and vinegar crisps (Am. chips); salted chocolate; vodka shots; etc). For these latter people, salt is excitement, and for the rest of us, it is change in an environment; so I am going with exciting change; the opposite of stagnant lives. Because salt is a constant, so is change in all our lives, otherwise we think weird.
Black Pepper - Here is heat but not like the heat from white pepper, chillies, horseradish or mustard. This is a dark heat; a warming heat, yet it has dark shadows with constrained malice deep within it. This could be a character, but might be a situation or circumstance just as well, or easily. A jealous and spiteful admirer, or a slighted server in a restaurant, perhaps. Black Pepper could be a promise of a storm; a sonder-cloud warning of relentless destruction. Perhaps I will have Black pepper as treacherous.
Red Cabbage with Apple - A late surprise for me, as it might be for you. However, I have been eating a bit of this in the last few months out of a jar. It is the usual thing; having spirit vinegar with it. This is a late guest to the group, in reality, as in my imagined scenario. Red Cabbage infuses everything with its colour and has a slightly different flavour to just plain old White Cabbage that is over-boiled and served with mashed potato and some meat. Red Cabbage has a little surprise; a twist to an anecdote or joke. This is a character that has a stereotypical manifestation. This is Willy Wonka; Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee. This is the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland but not the Mad Hatter. This is