“He who throws mud loses ground.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky
Lately my thoughts have drifted back to my parents; my adoptive parents. They were not perfect. At times I felt misunderstood, even treated unjustly. Discipline could be harsh. Yet that was the atmosphere of the time. The past, as someone once wrote, is a foreign land; its customs are not our own.
There comes a season in many young men’s lives when the world feels tilted against them. In that season, they often look backward, toward childhood, toward the home that formed them and wonder whether the roots of today’s struggles lie there. It is a natural impulse. When adult life falters, when relationships fracture, conscience troubles, confidence fades, or ambition runs aground, it is tempting to sketch a straight line back to those early years and declare them the cause.
Some grew up with distant fathers or demanding ones. Some have grown up abandoned by their fathers. Some knew mothers who were exhausted, emotionally unavailable or irrationally focussed on religious duty. Some households echoed with silence; others with conflict. When present difficulties arise, those memories can harden into explanations. And explanations can quietly turn into accusations.
If you anchor yourself in blame, you remain tethered to what wounded you. Blame feels decisive, almost moral. Yet it hands control of your future to the past.
There is a strange satisfaction in holding others responsible. It feels like action. In reality, it changes nothing. It keeps you circling the same ground, revisiting old trials in a courtroom that never adjourns.
Responsibility, by contrast, can seem severe. You may not be accountable for what happened to you. But you are accountable for what you build from it. That is the dividing line between being shaped by your history and shaping your future.
At some point, a man must come to terms with where he began—not by excusing what was wrong, but by refusing to live as its perpetual consequence. Some never make that shift. They become fluent in grievance. Their past grows larger in memory than their present is in reality. They wait for an apology that may never arrive, believing their freedom depends on it.
But freedom rarely arrives through someone else’s admission of guilt. It begins when you decide that no one is required to rescue you.
Growing older means recognizing that parents are neither saints nor villains, but flawed people doing the best—or sometimes the worst—they knew how to do. You can dissect their failures endlessly. Or you can ask what you will do differently.
The inheritance you received may be fractured. Still, it is yours to work with.
You can spend your strength pointing at the shortcomings behind you. Or you can become the steady presence you once needed.
Resentment burns hot, but it consumes without building. Responsibility burns quieter, yet it forges character. When you choose to create something better—not as retaliation, but as intention—you cease to be defined by reaction. You begin to act with purpose.
There is no applause for this decision. Often it happens privately, without witnesses. Yet the shift is profound. The moment you stop asking who failed you and start asking what you will do now, you reclaim the wheel.
Some carry the wounds of their fathers all their lives. Others become fathers in a larger sense—mentors, craftsmen of culture, founders of new patterns. They do not deny what hurt them. They simply refuse to let it be the final word.
The past matters.
But what you choose next matters more