TW: Mental health and references to suicide
Hey blog,
Today was the first time I've studied for a couple days, my support worker came over yesterday so it took me all day to decompress from that. It looks like from the 20th February I will have between 2 - 6 weeks before I will be made homeless.
I need to attend court on the 20th February to fight for 6 weeks extension on my tenancy, my support worker Rebecca (who is from the salvation army) is going to ask the court to allow her in with me as it will be an emotionally turbulent day which is going to challenge my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) as I can sometimes feel very suicidal when things happen that are out of my control. I am in remission with the help of a private prescription for cannabis so I am seeing the court hearing as a challenge to use my coping mechanisms and my skills that I have been building up over the last year. I am hopeful that by being able to predict how I might react will help me when observing if my body has been triggered and needs reassurance and grounding.
My emotional dysregulation to the layman may look like, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, rage, reckless/dangerous behaviour and suicidal threats and actions. All of these things are at the root are extreme emotional overwhelm and dysregulation. BPD has a lot of stigma attached to it which is a shame because BPD develops in young adults from years of complex trauma as children that they neither asked for or deserved and now have the responsibility of having bodies with the emotional regulation of a toddler, and yes this is incredibly embarrassing and the stigma against us only makes us feel worse and more demonised.
I have taught myself over the past year, with the help of the internet and with commitment to myself how to heal my brain, I have watched TedTalk after TedTalk different studies, psychologists and alternate healing which is where I learned that Medical Cannabis has been legal in the UK since 2018! If you had tried 2 or more treatments you are eligible to try cannabis as a private treatment option which I had tried almost every anti-depressant and mood stabiliser going, and these tablets caused me stomach issues, brain fog, sexual dysfunction, so many side effects, some side effects I had to take even more tablets just to combat. At one point I was on 5 tablets a day at 21 years old. The tablet that helped the most was called Duloxetine but I am very forgetful and if I missed a dose of Duloxetine the withdrawals were absolutely horrible. It feels as though you're in a video game and it is lagging and I couldn't regulate my body temperature, luckily these subsided within an hour or two of taking another dose.
I started my medical cannabis journey while I was still taking 120mg/day of Duloxetine. After about 3 months I realised the symptom that effected me the most was the emotional dysregulation that comes with my BPD and with the help of the cannabis I am able to regulate my body and mind within around ten minutes, no matter how upset or suicidal, no matter how bad the thoughts were, I could ground myself within ten minutes, and no anti-depressant or mood stabiliser in pill form I have ever taken has worked that quickly or effectively. I called my GP and told them I no longer needed to be on my tablets and they gave me a couple packs of different doses of Duloxetine and with the help of my Psychiatrist at the Cannabis Clinic I was able to fully come off all tablet form medication. My stomach issues have either gone away from not taking the tablets or are eased by the cannabis, I'm not sure which option it is because there are too many variables but I am just happy I no longer have to take tablets ritually and I also don't have debilitating stomach cramps anymore. Another thing I like about cannabis is it doesn't matter if I miss a day because I don't have to take it ritually I can just use it when I am in a triggered state.
I didn't intend to talk so much about cannabis in this post but I think I am feeling really grateful for it today, it has changed my life completely. That stupid illegal green smelly plant has given me my life back, and medical cannabis smells so much nicer than black market, so if you use regularly you're probably already medicating for something so you might as well get legal about it!!
Regarding becoming homeless, there is no temporary accommodation in my area, even for vulnerable groups so I will be sheltered in a hostel or a hotel. I am hoping for a hotel because my mental health isn't the best and I would feel safer in a hotel than I would a hostel, but I will keep this blog updated with everything as it goes. I have an appointment with Shelter Cymru on the 10th of Feb to discuss my housing situation and where we are going to go from there.
I was going to make a cup of tea but forgot my kettle is broken, and I am not buying a new kettle this close to being kicked out, so a cup of squash and some biscuits it is! That's all for now, remember that even in our darkest nights the sun always comes back and the clouds always part again, nothing lasts forever so lets experience it while we're her
Current ambiance: (165) RDR2 Relaxing Ambient Walk across the Map | 4K Ultra Max Graphics - YouTube
Evan.