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Baby Wipes
[ 3 minute read ]
These are too good for you
'Come here little ones, C'mon.' I was talking to my (our) two infants; my lovely wife, scowling at me right now, doesn't like me excluding her from the reproduction process. She likes to hog the little infants, so I need to reassure myself that I was twice relevant for a few minutes. 'I have something to show you.'
Hannah, her hair still spiking out in every direction from dreamy sleep, and looking as though she has had an electric shock, came trotting over. I bought her an ice-cream once and she is convinced I am going to do it again. Robin, the youngest, took a little longer, with his trousers round his ankles and a mucky bum from rising from his potty. My wife tilted her head, and thrust her hips out in the same direction, contrapposto. She put her hands on her hips and pursed her perfect, so kissable, lips. She looked down at the potty and what Robin had left there and then back at me. I know she was thinking I have an identical twin brother, perhaps not in looks, but certainly in nature and usefulness.
'These are things that are made especially for you.' Hannah, delighted to get a present, reached for the Johnson's (baby) Cotton Buds; you know the things we poke into our ears. I moved the box away from her grasping reach. The disappointment was clearly etched on her face and her fizzy smile vanished. Robin just blankly stared at the plastic-wrapped slab I held in my other hand. Wotsits, he knows, doesn't come in blocks like these baby wipes do.
'But these are too good for the likes of you and people like you.' Neither of my (our) children have the right shaped hands to convince me that they are clever or will attract money. Their hands are small, square and podgy. I have giving up hoping they will ever play the piano; perhaps they might be able to safely hold a jack-hammer, but never a bird.
***
We know we live in a strange world when we read the cotton buds packaging. Johnson's Cotton Buds are sold as a baby product. Instructions for use: 'Gently clean and dry between baby's fingers and toes, or around the eyes, nose or outer ear.'
The warning on the box says that they should never be used inside the ear or nose canal.
'Designed for cleaning delicate areas around the eyes and the outer ear'
'Gently cleanses & dries between baby's fingers, toes, around eyes, nose or outer ear'
'Sensitive skin friendly'
'Ideal for applying and removing make-up' What?
The pack that resembles 'Baby Wipes' is actually a pack of flushable toilet-training wipes for infants.
Fred & Flo make 'Fragrance Free Flushable Toilet Tissues'
'Directions for use: Encourage your child to peel back the label and remove toilet tissue. To use wipe bottom from front to back.'
(Manufacturer's haven't figured out what a comma is, and how to print it as small as the full-stops they use.) I heard that about half of adults actually pass their hand between their legs and wipe themselves with paper tissue from back to front.
There is a warning on the pack: 'Keep product and packaging out of the reach of children and babies'. But, you know, encourage them to peel back the label, remove a tissue and wipe themselves!
There is some really good advice on recycling: 'RECYCLE AT LARGE SUPERMARKET Do not recycle at home. '
The packet actually says that they are flushable, and should be flushed one at a time. They are 95% water and it is really difficult to get a whole one out of the packet without tearing them. Good for make-up removal only?
Are toddlers going out, clubbing, where they dance to music by Fisher Price, Chad Valley, and Tyco? Are there places where there are potties in stalls and a long line of little girls waiting in a primary-colour-coordinated corridor for their turn? Are there mirrors only three feet from the ground in these places?
No. These products are not for them; they are for adults. Perhaps this is a VAT thing.
***
I have no idea where my wife got the patience to be able to stare at me for long periods, unmoving. She doesn't need to speak; I know she wants to wipe me from head to toe with the flushable wipes. She was about to take her wedding ring off and put it on her right fore-finger, her 'poison-finger', and suggestively move it up and down on that finger, so I gave Hannah and Robin a chocolate biscuit each. It is so refreshing to see their little faces light up with the anticipation of eating them. My wife, halfway through dressing them, shook her head in despair. They went back to her with sticky fingers and smears on their faces. I smiled, because last night she had deliberately soaked her feet in cold water and then tried to warm them on my back when we climbed into bed.