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I liked being boorish
[ 2 minute read ]
Opinion
Good Crikeyness! I am living an existence of playing catch-up by my own hand. It seems I strode forward waving a banner of competence and now I follow myself along, the only other person in the parade, and find I am inadequate to support my banner-carrying self by not being able to answer questions properly. 'Er, I dunno.' seems to be my 'go to' response.
I really need some vitamins and minerals again. Words have melted into the dark recesses of my memory. They are hiding from me, afraid to come out because I have whipped them into presenting themselves as something they are not. I am operating an 'It will do' policy. That is an abhorrence to me. I have lost confidence that I am using the right words and it is stymieing my free style. Watching and testing every word is tiresome and draining for me.
I think I may have figured out why reflection after an event is just so important. Did I do what I wanted and where are my mistakes? Yuk! If that doesn't erode my boorishness nothing will. I like being an arrogant idiot. I grew into it very easily. Lately though, I have people around me to cause me to check myself, as in pause and stop and halt. My 'C'mon, the water is fine!' has turned into 'Can anyone identify that species of predatory fish?' Oh me, oh my! It is like returning to exercise after eating myself out of house and home for a decade. Self-doubt is not a much practiced attitude for me, even if it is the template to which I wake to each morning. I push it aside and tell myself that I am negating my natural ability to use my own resources and get out of bed. But now, it is like putting on spectacles and seeing how dirty my home truly is.
I shall be buying vitamins and minerals supplements, but, in the meantime, I shall regret being so slovenly and unfocused; taking mental holidays and lounging around over the summer. I am a waster. But I wasn't challenged! Was I? Was I?