What can you do though? The heat is up, wounding statements are lined up for bashing the recipient, and 'Retaliation' is the name of the General in charge of the battle. How incongruous it is, when a person with a whistle suddenly runs onto the battlefield, and stops the fight to watch a replay of the incident. Yep! Definitely a foul, and poor sporting behaviour. This will not do! And, all this before the 'real' opposing team's tactics are known; before they come out of the dressing room, and before they begin to play.
I regard myself as fairly easy to get on with, which of course, requires a constant closed feedback of personal investigation to be at least suggested to be true. In being charitable, I cannot recall a singular event in which I can determine an individual as being difficult to work with. However, there are times when I feel that someone is being obtuse and seemingly reluctant to engage in an examination of a challenging situation and possible routes towards an amicable continuance of social interaction within a group or team.
I try to determine how someone is feeling and how circumstances have channeled them towards having a difficult time. There is often practically zero time to do this. Perhaps it is because they require clearer instructions or explanations; or an external event or circumstances is negatively impacting on their mental health for a day, or extended period.
While I would like to say I just leave them to it, whatever 'it' is, this is not my luxury. I am highly interested in why people act as they do, decisions they make and the results they expect from their actions. I am content to physically remove myself, where I can, from their immediate presence, if I feel that I am an irritant to their mood. However, as a manager in a previous life, eventually a decision will be made to address a situation with a knowledge of how a confrontation may play out and the expected results of the paths that may be taken by both parties. As a manager, there always had to be a recognition that it may be necessary to cause the difficult person to comply with the business' values and mission, or replace the person.
Of course, I am not immune to having a bad day or period, and I think most of the time I am able to recognise that I am being 'snippy', 'snappy', withdrawn, or over-bearing through impatience; albeit, mostly in almost immediate retrospect. At these times, I become quite formal and openly admit to the world which mistakes I have made in the recent environment and social interaction, and make open statements recognising the good qualities that other team members have been exhibiting, such as their patience, their empathy and understanding, and the consideration for my own circumstances. This inadvertently makes them feel uncomfortable. I suspect this is because it is outside the breadth of their experience of how normal confrontational behaviour later transforms into resentment and 'under the breath' murmurs of dissent that subsequently solidify into 'plain old' backstabbing to friends and colleagues. Sometimes, this approach is the only course of action that is permissible.
I once got a letter from my bank saying something I didn't like. I rushed to the high street bank in my local town. I harangued the woman behind the counter, with a raised voice and a blind determination to force my side of the circumstance upon her. Why? She didn't write the letter, and she was completely blindsided by this angry man, me, coming out of left-field. Normally, I was polite, happy, and hopefully interesting. I went away and bought her flowers, and patiently waited in the queue at the bank. Eventually, I handed them over to her with my apology. All the bank tellers 'oohed' and 'aahed', and swooned. and I went away on my white charger back to my fairy-tale castle, the long way, to avoid the trolls under the bridge. (After the other bank staff stared stonily at me, I walked back home in the rain, to my ivory tower, and crossed the road to avoid the teenagers at the bus-stop).
More on teams, schooling, and framing, later.