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Interview with myself
[ 10 minute read ] 2100 words
Interview and sonder
Could do better
'Today we have in the studio Martin Cadwell. Hello Martin'
'Hello'
'Martin is becoming a regular guest on our show. This is the third time now. You will be able to phone in and ask Martin some questions. The phone lines will open shortly. Martin, how has your year been? You have had some ups and downs from a not very good start this year.'
'Straight to the point. I like that. I suppose, generally the year has been disappointing. I mean it was a year; it had all the right number of days in it and night followed day; but I think I could have made more of it. You are right. I was not in a good position at the start.'
'I realise it is a sensitive issue so take your time.'
'Thank you. I had a huge falling out with my family in January which set about a series of bad behaviour episodes. I drank too much during the ironing out of the disagreements and the upshot is that I said more than I should have. I meant it too. As you know, I am uncomfortable with lies and deceit. Basically, I said to my family I had, had enough and I did not want to be part of the back-stabbing loop.'
'This is your wider family.'
'All of them. There is not a single family member I have any contact with now. As I was going through my late teens and early twenties I wondered how my mother could hold, what seemed to me, to be such concrete grudges against family members. It just seemed to me to be really quite mean, and fickle with it. She seemed capricious; one year against my brother, the next against me. I realised that she was being coached on how to think by my siblings according to how they felt about us. I said I was 'out'; not doing this anymore. Later in years I had good cause to make sure I am honest and honourable. As the Americans say, It bit me in the ass.'
'When you say 'out', what do you mean.'
'It is not right to speak ill of people who cannot defend themselves. It is a basic principle in many interviews that are intended for the public to be party to...'
'It is.'
'In my family, I simply refused to countenance gossip about other family members. I came up with the maxim 'Don't talk about me, talk to me'. In trying to stick to my code of honour, things came to a head in January and I effectively ran out of conversation with my family. It was just too hard to keep them from wandering off into the trees and start moaning. I had bound myself to being honourable and only by disavowing myself to honour could I release the binds.'
'How did that manifest in your more public life?'
'I am an undergraduate and although not forced to actively interact with other students, it is useful on some levels. I vented; I attacked; I laid scorn at their doorsteps. I failed in many ways to recognise them as humans with feelings that I am not party to.'
'So, correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that you missed your own family and the back-stabbing, and projected those feeling onto a group that had similar goals to your own.'
'Absolutely. I forget that I have PTSD from familial failings. When you hear the saying, 'Familiarity breeds contempt' you may, like many, many others think that this relates to repetition and banality; experience gained in doing something mundane soon turns to contempt for the task, right? When I hear it, I think that intimacy between humans is an area for contempt, effectively, family members or close friends. We soon recognise each others faults.'
'Jumping forward; you wrote a post on 'Sonder' this Summer. Was this what was missing in you in January?'
'Oh yeah, I did. Yes. I am fairly certain that most of us are so busy with our lives that we fail to recognise that other people are busy with their own lives. Everybody, well, nearly everybody, thinks they are the centre of the universe and everything revolves around them. It doesn't. Of course it doesn't. Everyone is more like a solar system with orbiting friends and family; each of those with their own gravitational pull on each other so they form a cohesion of some kind. Recognising that other people think they are the centre of the universe was a moment of sonder. Everyone has their own ideas and feelings, It seems obvious, but actually holding it to be true was a revelation to me. That is not enough though. It has to be stitched into the very fabric of our individual being.'
'Had you have known this earlier, do you think things would be different now?'
'Indubitably, without question and totally. Had I have realised this earlier this year I would have been a lot happier in the rest of the year. If I had known this when I was in my twenties I would now be complete with a wonderful wife and children and I would recognise that letting off steam by talking about family members is completely normal.'
'We have our first caller, Steve from Kent. Good morning Steve.'
'Good Morning and Happy Christmas. Hello Martin'
'Hello Steve. Happy Christmas.'
'Martin, I think that your message about sonder makes a good but overlong Christmas Card greeting in a much convoluted way, but don't you think you are just trying to create a religion out of respect?'
'Hmm...interesting question. I think that people can respect other people's spaces; I don't sit on your lap on the bus and I don't ask you to give up your seat for me either. That is respect for an individual. If we have a disagreement about an empty seat that both of us are aiming to sit on I might in a moment of sonder listen more closely to what you are saying or listen more keenly to your voice. In that moment of sonder I might do neither; I might only understand that you think you are at the centre of the universe and all things revolve around you. I would understand why you think you should have the seat and not I. I am only a peripheral body to you.'
'Neatly put, Martin but the caller is not asking if you would give up your seat. You would have to, the moment you intellectually withdraw from your involvement in the crisis, right?'
'Yes, I would have to. I rather feel that respect is a blanket attitude that we give to people's inalienable rights and their thoughts and feelings require something else. While we all have a right to think what we like, I do not need to respect any thoughts you may have that I feel are evil. In a moment of sonder we can wrap up those thoughts in toxic-proof wrapping and interact with a person in a polite and conscious way.'
'I still think you are over-egging the pudding, but I respect your thoughts and bid you also a happy new year. Goodbye.'
'Ha ha. That was Steve from Kent with good cheer and amicability. Happy new year Steve!'
'Martin, Tell me about your Summer.'
'Happy new year Steve. As you know, I like gardening. It is the growing and the not so much the nurturing I like. I like the sprouting of the new shoots and the right result, be it flowers or fruit. I discovered that Muntjac deer like to eat anything I grow. My garden is where I relax and the frustration of having all my efforts destroyed affected my Summer quite badly. It is easy for me to become quite jaded if I can't find a way to overcome a problem...'
'Isn't a fence a good idea?'
'Tuh! Yes. I have been exceedingly lazy this year. I cycle less; I have tended the garden less; I shopped closer to home in the local villages instead of going into the city. I have not made good use of my time. This Summer, instead of seeking new connections and maintaining the shreds of old relationships I have spent a great deal of time at home focusing on myself; but not in a good way such as one might hear about from a practitioner of Yoga or Pilates or mindfullness. This Summer I watched the world pass with an indifference that I have never experienced before. This Summer, I complained that it was too hot. I complained that my nearest neighbour is a nincompoop nuisance. I berated both myself and my shadow and lost interest in keeping a working set of three bicycles.'
'You like cycling.'
'I did. I like to feel my legs tired but resilient; like tight elastic. I like getting home tired but able to recover with only a cup of coffee. This Summer, my legs were weak and I overheated too easily. Getting home, a cup of coffee was not enough and I needed to sit for a couple of hours to recover. Things didn't get done. I did no art or crafts. I even gave away a lot of new art material by leaving it outside on the pavement. I am not at all satisfied with how I operated even within my own sphere of influence. In giving away the art material I was obliquely tryig to compensate for my interactive inadequacies'
'You sound quite sad and introrse, whereas last time I sensed insightful.'
'Ever sharp and to the point. Yes. I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself. I know I am better than I have shown myself to be. I am disappointed.'
'We have another call; Aesia in Oxfordshire. Good Morning and Happy Christmas Aesia. What do you have to say?'
'Good morning. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas Martin. I should just like to ask why you are so ruthless with yourself. It sounds to me that you have an urge to psychologically wound yourself.'
'Good morning Aesia. Happy Christmas. That is a great question. I suppose I don't really see myself trying to attack myself on any level. I suppose I see it as self-imposed moral rectitude. Unfortunately, I often don't feel that I don't measure up to being myself at anywhere close to my potential. I was about to say capacity, but of course, capacity ebbs and flows as the seasons pass and the impact that both the environment and ourselves have on us. From January, I probably set myself up for a dwindling relationship with my immediate environment and needed to boost myself a bit, but I didn't. Instead of dealing with things effectively, I just pushed them into the long-standing heap of unfinished business. It has affected me. I know that.'
'Well, I think you are okay. I mean, I think you mean well. I am going to go now. Happy new year.'
'Happy new year.'
'Happy new year Aesia. Martin, finally, do you have any plans for the future? We are a bit short of time.'
'Yes, I do. I need to focus of getting a good sleep pattern and get back into cycling. The only bike I have working is one that is too small for me. I have four others in different states of repair, and when I ride the the little one I am frustrated. I blame it on having a poor memory. I know that poor sleep habits have a significant affect on memory, energy, ambition and motivation, so I shall focus on looking into causality in January 2026. I shall go home and write a new message to myself to pin on my wall; a quote from when I was more connected with the Christian Church, 'In order to be where God wants you to be in five years time, you have to be where God wants you to be now'. For me, it will have a duality about it, in that I shall extrapolate from it a concept of human achievement such as, A long journey starts with a single step.'
'Martin Cadwell, it has been a pleasure. Happy new Year.'
'Thank you. Happy new year.'
If you would like music to match this post you might try Talking Heads, 'Once in a Lifetime' available on YouTube. Go for the Official Audio not the video; it plays without interruption. Link below (opens in new window):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR0jgT9UX0Q&list=RDfR0jgT9UX0Q&start_radio=1