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[ 5 minute read ]
I made the right decision
Why can't I can't hear you say it?
Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist and poet, said, 'Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.'
To be honest, after a very brief bit of researching; and I am no researcher, I think the above is a bastardisation of what Emerson wrote to one of his daughters in 1854 and it was rehashed by James Elliot Cabot, his literary executor, to be closer to the 'quote' above who also sent something similar to his own daughter, but what the hey; let it be attributed to Emerson and so be anchored.
I think the intention behind the sending of this smoothing tone was to encourage their daughters to recognise that we all make mistakes and that by dwelling on our mistakes we cannot make the best of the new day. In other words, that they should not have hindsight bias.
To make a shortcut into what hindsight bias might be, we only have to dig up the expression, 'Love like you have never been hurt' and know that this revolves around carrying emotional baggage that would negatively affect the love of today, or even prevent it occurring or growing straight.
Josh Kaufman in his book, 'The Personal MBA', elaborates with 'Every decision you ever make will be based on incomplete information - we have to use 'interpretation' to fill in the blanks. Since you are not omniscient, you'll always have more information when you evaluate the results of your actions than you had when you actually made the decision.'
I can't help thinking that Emerson's and Cabot's daughters were bemoaning their woe and regret at having made some mistake in letters to their families back home.
Of course, the more we do something the more practiced we become at it, and dwelling on a mistake when we are still young in experience may well cause us to shy away from making more attempts. But, that is really only because we either didn't like how it feels to fall off a horse; it hurts, or because we berate ourselves for being foolish - 'If I hadn't have accidentally squirted her with the squeezy tomato ketchup in the canteen she might have accepted a date with me.' I rather hope that if someone is squirted with tomato ketchup that they do accept a dinner date and insist on the 'clumsy' person ordering a spaghetti dish and not allow them to use a spoon.
Unfortunately, students need to live with their mistakes for at least a few more days; and that is after they receive the feedback for their Tutor Marked Assignments. Here is a case of 'What did I do wrong and how can I fix it?' in a perfect setting. Isn't it a pity that we cannot get printouts from our partners and spouses, even our children and work colleagues?
'Huh!' Yes, husband, that means that you are an idiot because you didn't get up to tend to your son who was crying in the night with a nightmare.'
'What?' Yes, wife, that means that you are an idiot because it is obvious I wanted to make breakfast in bed for you but you got up first, like you always do.
Blank stare. Yes Dad, you are an idiot because you stood there for a whole second before you turned away when I was about to talk to my desire.'
I am very much the sort of person that puts the effort into an assignment and then believes it has been done and dusted and I never need to deal with it again. But then I am also the person who had to hear from my wife and best friend who stood shoulder to shoulder and jointly told me. 'It is not what you say. It is the way you say it.' I didn't know what to do with that. If you know that, then rearrange my words; I am doing the best I can. Or was I?
I should have asked questions. A while ago, I got into some hot water by appearing to say that we should be humble and there are lessons that can be learnt from being humble. A whole bunch of bees got shook from the nest with that view. I do think we should be humble. If my wife is upset with me is it because I married the wrong person? Did I make a mistake? In hindsight, she is an evil witch hellbent on destroying my life by sapping my energy and feeding it to our children so they can hate me more. Of course not! If I do only one thing, I would have to recognise that if I had put myself in that position it would be my fault for being foolish. I could have checked her references by asking her ex-boyfriends about her; but how does one prepare a list of questions for that? You can see that I am persisting in believing that I have the moral, emotional and intellectual high ground. Not at all humble. Of course, my wife is not evil and vengeful. At least she wasn't before I met her, I think. She really isn't, and never was, and never will be.
Ralph Waldo Emerson has a point with his encouraging message to his young daughter. 'Never mind. Dust yourself off and look with bright eyes to the future.' Yet, there are times in my relationships that I really do need to think about the mistakes I made yesterday(s) so tomorrow(s) can be free from pain.
Why can't I hear you today? I know I made the right choice in you, but I can't hear you. Why?
References
Josh Kaufman, 'The Personal MBA', Portfolio Penguin, undated