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[ 12 minute read ]

Detached Emotions

In 2012, I took a long look at myself and recorded what I found. Fortunately, I saved it, and it is reproduced here, unadulterated, or rather, unaltered. I chose 'unaltered' over 'unadulterated' because this is raw, rude me. It was never intended for publication. But much of it is residual in me, and I am ruthless with myself. After it, I have briefly interviewed myself in a pretend studio as though my 2012 statement is a video statement, with questions I ask myself today, such as what did I mean, and how have I changed or adapted.

PTSD and Detached Emotions (raw speech)

'I suppose, straightaway, I should make myself clear in that my view on how I want to be approached by other people may be distorted by a certain degree of misanthropy as a culmination of a series of bad relationships stemming from my early childhood through adulthood to the present day.

The prevailing thought I consciously hold when considering the world about me is this: Stay away from me; do not get in my space; definitely don't bore me with your mundane words about your everyday lives; all you want to do is massage your own ego, to stimulate your mental processes or otherwise gain something from an encounter with me. What makes it worse for me is that these people don't even realise why they are talking to me. They think they are being friendly when they are actually sub-consciously establishing an hierarchy; checking out whether I am dangerous or can be dominated. This thought is in no way limited to any individual, or group, religion, creed or colour nor is it dependent on gender, looks, ability, race, health, wealth or intelligence. This thought is the result of empiricism and, in my view, has been tested and proved countless times. Another way of saying it is for me to say 'I do not directly require you or anything you possess; you do not have anything I want and never will; I do not need or want your company, comfort, conversation, or opinion; I do not want your wealth, your food, your benevolence or pity'. Again, this is not directed toward any individual and certainly should not be taken personally if it causes alarm, concern or negative reaction. That is to say, it is directed towards everyone and no-one in particular.

The one thing I primarily want, need, fantasise about and crave is consideration. This is consideration for everyone, from everyone and by everyone. But most of all, CONSIDER THIS EVERYONE: I don't like you and I am not going to like you, because if you cause me to react, respond to you or otherwise force me to discover and develop a new set of rules just so I can make you happy enough to go away and leave me in peace, you will leave me feeling irritated, cheapened, used, and with a feeling that it is me who has been considerate, patient and empathic to your needs. Again, this extends to everyone and should not be taken personally.

My maxim for a fruitful life is: do not cause negative feeling in other people. This is the 'Golden Rule' with a slight change. Do not do to others what you would not want others to do to you. This maxim has negativity woven into it, though it is controlled and purposeful, to avoid negativity caused by doing to someone what you want them to do to you. After all, how can we be sure what others want? Is it the same as I want? I will leave that question there for fear that further exploration would leave me open to inquisitive persons asking me what I want and me having to adopt a pleasant, non-patronising mode of behaviour which hopefully would not induce a negative feeling in them and would still cause them to leave me alone and never approach me again without them ever knowing the truth about what I am really thinking, because, I fear that due to the human condition, their egos would enable them to override common-sense and make them believe that they would be doing me some service by offering me a biscuit or something.

They are probably generous, perhaps even kind; perhaps they find that reciprocal generosity in a symbiotic relationship works best for them and thus they subscribe to the original 'Golden Rule' of doing to others as you would want them to do to you….. I feel sorry for them because I shall never covet what they have or need their company, whereas, as humans, they probably feel the need to belong to a group, to exercise their existence in the many roles they play in the world; to indulge in mental stimulation through conversation (banal or otherwise) or have their egos stroked – all of which demand the attention of another person.

Sometimes, I take a reward or praise when I am offered it, not because I want it, I don't, no, solely because I think it helps people to think that we are getting on okay. I derive no pleasure in satisfying people's need for platitudes, if, indeed, that is what I am giving; I feel no superiority or pride; I am just relieved that for a while my future refusals to accept gifts or reward will not be perceived as an outward sign of wanting to be disconnected from others. Without a full understanding of me and without full insight into my life I feel that they would, like so many others, mistakenly take it as a personal snub.

I am not contemptuous of people who live symbiotic lives, not a bit, no, I am jealous that they have never had to develop coping strategies such as I have.

I am puzzled by complacence, irritated by complacence, which I believe is the product of what the Germans call 'gemutlichkeit' – 'comfortableness'; something I feel that I can never now achieve. Complacence, for me, is the attitude one may adopt if one feels there is nothing to worry about; or does not perceive imbalance. 'Learned helplessness' is its pathetic friend and is, to me, arrhythmia that is recognised by the individual but feeling that nothing can be done about it, so one fears but tolerates the consequences. Neither attitude is acceptable to me and I live in a constant state of searching for either escape routes or solutions that satisfy the situation, though not necessarily me. In real terms, this means to me; Fight tooth and nail using smiles and kid-gloves to attempt to achieve an unrealistic vision of peace (which even worse, provides only temporary succour) against people who would vindictively tear my guts out if I show my soft under-belly, simply because it is in their nature to do so.'

September 2025 (a real interview between me and myself, in a fictional studio having watched the video of 2012 me)

    

       'That was you in 2012. Pretty raw stuff. Thank you for sharing it, Martin. How do you feel seeing that today?'

       'Quite alarmed really, and disappointed. I had been like that for decades by then. I find it difficult to believe that I could be so cold. Yet, it is a defence mechanism that stems from an even darker place.'

       'You started by saying that people are merely massaging their own egos and that they are not friendly towards you; what did you mean?'

       'I think I had read somewhere that people are more stimulated by talking than by listening and so I thought that people are really talking at me, rather than to me. Of course, I desperately wanted to talk to people and then to talk to me. I wanted to explain how I felt and be understood. I wanted to hear what they are saying and understand how they felt. But I felt that no-one was letting me do that. I knew that it would be a long process to carefully open up to people, each and every time I met them. Unfortunately, I actually mean every time I met the same person, because as soon as I was away from any conversation I would unconsciously rebuild the wall. No-one was going to give me that much time or space; they have their own lives and thoughts to contend with. As I say, I wanted to know them, their thoughts, theirs and mine, but ultimately, all I ever heard was mundane chatter that masked their true identity. I was certain that the lightness of their words was never a reflection of how they felt, so to me, it was just rubbish that they would endlessly spout simply because they were mentally stimulating themselves.....at my expense.'

       'Do you think that perhaps many of the people you encountered then were not as troubled as you thought; that you might have been projecting yourself on them?'

       'I am not sure I was projecting myself onto others any more than everyone else. I was absolutely certain that I was seeing the world through a dark lens but it was a lens that was made up of my perception of other people. That is why it was so important for me to understand other people and how they dealt with emotional pain. My world completely stopped when I was twelve. I was emotionally catatonic then. Like every child, I was supposed to learn from my surroundings and my peers. I had no chance to emotionally recover from my breakdown because I had a brother who would vindictively remove any opportunity for me to feel safe. It is as though he saw me as a threat to his superiority and felt he must reduce me to a helpless mess. This meant that as I grew I was only able to learn from my environment with no emotion attached to it. Everything about me is a construct, a careful fabrication of social etiquette and conversation; all without emotion. I heard only words not feelings. This was borne out in places where I stumbled, such as not recognising a hint, I still can't.' In 2012, I saw myself as a mirror to everyone else. I did not see myself as an individual person, only you, and you, and you contained in me. However, because there was no emotion there was never an ebb and flow in relationships; never moments of quiet. I just wanted more information with which to program myself.'

       'You eshewed gifts and rewards. Can you tell me why?'

       'Many people only give gifts at specific times; birthdays, Christmas....I recognised this while still in my teens. Most of us do. Because giving gifts and rewards generally is an emotional outsource, there is an expectation that emotion is reciprocated. Of course, I was not able to do that. Someone could have given me a brand new car and my reaction would have been the same as if I was given a banger. It was only the practical aspect of gifts and rewards I saw then. By 2012, I would have been pleased to be able to drive and not walk but that emotion would never be directed towards a gift-giver; it would only be realised in actually using the vehicle. Nonetheless, gift-givers would expect me to show gratification. Worse still, like most people, they would expect a reciprocation in kind. I simply could not understand why. I deliberately did not celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Many people regard the attainment of that age as seminal. But, it is no longer the attainment of majority as it once was. So, in my mind, by 2012, having not celebrated any birthdays or Christmas's since age eighteen, my idea of reciprocal gift-giving was pretty well shrivelled. I didn't know how to respond if someone even offered me a biscuit or a cup of tea. I had to have protocol for accepting anything. I would always refuse it twice and only accept if there was a third offer. By the third offer I would be feeling so uncomfortable that I would have to accept. Put upon really. I recognised that the offerer is feeling uncomfortable because I won't accept their hospitality. Looking back, I suppose I was insulting them. EVERYONE accepts their offerings and has a chat, why not me? they were asking themselves.  I was compelled to eat a biscuit, drink tea, or accept reward for doing a chore for them. I just wanted to be left alone in that emotional department. To me it was a form of bullying, but to them it is a ritual part of connecting.'

       'You said you are not contemptuous of people who live symbiotic lives. Can you elaborate on that?'

       'Ah ha. Hmmm. Most people are not going to like what I am about to say. These days i can put myself outside of myself and to some extent look at myself from how someone else might perceive me. I am not sure I really want to be honest with you now. It is uncomfortable for me right now. However, one of the most important things I promised myself that I would do, because I understand I am fundamentally flawed and will always be, is to be honest, to be honourable and to have integrity, no matter what the cost to myself. It is imperative I do not knowingly cause harm due to something I have overlooked in myself, so honesty is my safeguard...... I was contemptuous of other people who need symbiotic relationships in 2012, and I still am. I can't do that. It is completely absent in my make-up to be able to trust anyone with anything. I was practically orphaned at age sixteen and my legal guardian was a drug and alcohol crazed older brother. I grew up with an independence that I hold hard to my heart. I won't ever let go of it. I can't. It is my shield. It saves me from you and them and her. I regard seeking help from others as weak. Collaboration, to me, is a signal that someone is inadequate. Symbiosis, of course, is living among each other in a mutually beneficial way. All of how I felt in 2012 is residual in me today. It will never be displaced with something else. It can only be tempered. I will never know love, like you know love, because love came to me from a crying mother. I have to accept that I am ruthless but mostly polite and respectful. Yet, I must also understand that my ruthlessness extends also to myself; I let it, because it is only fair. I will not allow myself to solely cast contempt on the world, because in reality I am contemptuous of myself. But, it is true to say, I only see people in three aspects, beneficial to me, in the way, or as a non-playable character in a video game, as being entirely neutral and just part of the scenery.'

       'Yet, you do subscribe to symbiosis.'

      'Of course. I am not unkind. I understand that people are unaware of much around them. Someone who gets up, cheerful, and walks towards the bus stop doesn't want to meet ruthless and contemptuous me. When they call 'Good Morning' to me, I would have a terrible day of guilt if I did not return it, as cheerily as I can, even though most of the time I am acting. It would break my heart to know that someone vicariously suffers because they meet me. I don't have a filing system for emotions or a box in which to neatly to place them. At any time one will jump out at me and I will cry. But it is not crying for the present, It is crying for the past. No-one wants that on the way to the bus-stop, so I have a personality I present to the world. It is of course, wooden, but it includes trying to give people want they need as though we are in a symbiotic, though brief relationship.'

       'Would it be fair to say, Martin, that today, if you are completely honest with yourself, you are jealous?.'

       'Of course. Hugely.'

       'Martin Cadwell. Thank you.'

If you like music and would like a musical representation, one that I think matches, of how I was feeling prior to being able to break myself down again and resemble some of the pieces in a semblance of order and understanding in 2012, you might consider listening to the Album 'My Life in the Bush of Ghosts' by Brian Eno and David Byrne, released in 1981.