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Clever Donkey

Saturday 10 October 2026 at 03:37
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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Sunday 11 October 2026 at 12:21

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Opinion

Seriously joking, right?

[ 2 minute read ]

       'I have come to learn!'

       'Oh, alright then,' the old man in the deck-chair replied, knocking out his pipe. 'What is it you want to know?' His deeply lined face grew older as he pondered.

       'I don't know. Stuff!'

       'Do you hear that, Bonny? He wants to know stuff.' The donkey beside him looked balefully back at him. 'Have you come far, learner?' The old man asked the hesitant man. 'Are you a seeker?'

       'Not really. I just fancied learning something and thought I would show up. I borrowed the money.'

       'And?'

       'I think there are people more advanced than I in the class.'

       'And so you have not made yourself known, and because you think the money is not yours, since you borrowed it, you have not lost it?'

       'Well, yes.'

       'Embarrassed!'

The old man in the deck-chair refilled his pipe and tamped the tobacco down. He shrewdly looked at Bonny, the donkey, which winked at him and thought itself more clever than the man. The old man lit his pipe and nodded his agreement. 'Another one', he mouthed. Bonny raised and lowered her head twice.

***

There are two types of people. There are a lot more really but today there are only two. There is the person who makes the most out of their day. 'Carpe Diem' (seize the day) and there is the person who expects others to make the day for them. 'absens haeres non erit.' The latter Latin phrase means 'he who is absent will not inherit'. As far as I understand things, if someone does not bring their head to the game, the game will play without them, and that head-less person can never gain anything.

       The old man decided to speak Latin, 'spectator!' and strangely he was understood. The slumped-shouldered man before him flinched. 'You have paid to learn and yet you remain a spectator.' The old man deliberately said to Bonny the donkey. Bonny looked at the crestfallen man, who nervously looked back. He had yet to come to terms with self-actualising, the highest personal aspirational human need in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs after basic needs are met.

       Bonny coughed, 'Ego!' but added 'Haw' to make it seem natural. She drew her lips back into a macabre yellow-toothed grin.

       'I am coming to that!' the old man said irascibly. 'Don't jump the gun.' He boosted himself up from his deck-chair, reached over to the side and down to the sand on the beach and picked up the only book there; next to a red plastic bucket and spade. The book had no title or author's name but the fly-leaf inside said, 'Simply Psychology, and it had https://www.simplypsychology.org/self-actualization.html underneath the words. It fell open at 'Potential' and he read aloud, 'Self-actualization is a concept in psychology that refers to the process of fulfilling one's true potential, becoming the best version of oneself, and achieving personal growth, meaning, and fulfillment in various aspects of life.' All the rest of the pages were blank. They always were. He put the book back down and a few grains of sand jumped onto it. It didn't matter. He was safe in the knowledge that the words would rearrange themselves, with sometimes more and sometimes less words, and some of the words would be changed into other words.

       'Were you seeking validation, approbation, praise and positive clamouring for your skill?'

       'No,'

       Bonny shook her huge head and looked directly at the man. Facing the scrutiny of a dumb animal the man cracked, 'Yes! yes, yes!'

       'Now you realise that you have been coasting and not applying yourself.'

       'Yes.'

       'All that glistens is not gold.' said Bonny finally fed up with being silent.

       'If vicarious learning was your goal then you have it.' said the old man, nodding. 'If you really want to learn, you have to work at it.' And following on from Bonny's careless outburst, 'Diamonds do not come out of the ground already cut and polished.'

       Bonny coughed again. 'Ego!' and unconvincingly added 'Haw.'

       'Flat, I should say.' observed the old man, 'But the realisation is not yet there because there is too much of an echo.' He puffed on his pipe and shut his eyes and then lifted one eye-lid to see if the follower had gone. He noticed the tide was coming in.

It is strange how an echo seems so real and provides comfort, even though it is disembodied and from the past.

Tags: ego, self-actualisation, echo, donkey, class, borrow, learn, joking
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Seagull and Chips please

Tuesday 10 March 2026 at 07:25
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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Tuesday 10 March 2026 at 11:25

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How are you? How do I look?

[ 5 minute read ]

Ruining running

Let me give you an example of why only some people should be in charge. The fun-run I got irritated by on Sunday was run in a city close to me. I had to get to the other side of the city, and that meant passing through runners so drugged up with endorphins that they are no longer able to make decisions for themselves. For a while, for them, life only meant putting one foot in front of the other, until someone tells them to stop. I am not knocking them, but with someone who celebrates the super-power of hyper-vigilance (when it is controlled) I cannot understand why people take away their perception skills. I also cannot understand why pedestrians wear ear-buds on paths that are shared by pedestrians and cyclists.

Part of the running course on Sunday was on a road into the city. Only one side of the road was closed for runners to occupy. This means that the organisers had deemed that the use of half a roadway is sufficient for the runners to not fall over each other, while still allowing residents along the course to enter the city.

In the city, pedestrians and cyclists need to move cross-wise through the runners. So, I propose the organisers do the following:

Since only one carriageway is closed for the runners, anyone who wants to pass cross-wise through them, who is on a cycle-path that the runners have bisected, should be gathered in the middle of the road, where the broken white line is. Then the marshals should 'shoo' the runners onto the other side of the road, thus emptying the previously full side of runners. They can do this with two marshals. The pedestrians and cyclists can then cross and the people who want to cross the other way can move into the middle of the road and wait for the marshals to chase the runners back to the now empty side again. So simple, but it might mean it can only be done where there are traffic islands, such as at the approach to roundabouts and T-junctions.

It is not difficult to do this, or even come up with safe ways to let people move around in a city during a mass running event.

I think I should only moan or complain if I have a solution to a problem. Even if my solution is half-baked or unworkable. I think that attempting to understand a problem is a pre-requisite for making a complaint. If there is no suggested solution in a letter of complaint, it means the letter should be immediately and summarily 'binned' by the recipient.

     'Ooooh! We've got a good one here!'

     'What's it about?'

     'The run in the city. This person says that people trying to cross the road when there are runners on it should be able to rent seagulls and buy sticky chips. The chips should be thrown at the runners and the seagulls released. While the gulls are being fought off, a gap will appear in the stream of runners and people can cross.'

     'That's a great idea! I think we should take the complaint seriously.'

At the event, on the roadside, at regular intervals, long queues of people at odd looking stalls: 'Seagull and chips, please.'

If all the 34.2 million working people above the age of sixteen in the UK gave the Government £1 a week for a year, the Government would get just short of £1.8 billion to give back to the working people as tax cuts. Or the workers could be taxed 3 pence for every hour of work they do (a pay deficit or reduction of 3 pence per hour) this could give £1.7 billion to the Government for every 37.5 hours of paid work per week per person.

     'Here's one!'

     'Go on!'

     'Every week the UK government should spend £1 million doing the Euro-millions lottery.'

     'Brilliant! But I have just opened a letter here that has a better idea.'

     'Let's hear it.'

     'Sell London Bridge and a tin of gold paint to Donald Trump for his Mar-a-Largo home.'

     'I love it!'

One of the reasons I don't drink in pubs is because people are too serious about their problems. There is always a funny thing to say but it might take a mind not dulled by alcohol to be able to formulate it properly.

A long time ago, I used to drink too much. I drank to be unconscious and the drinking would go on for days. Being self-employed meant I only had to answer to myself. Drinking like that is only a temporary relief from mental problems. One day, it was about eight in the morning and I asked for a bottle of vodka in a shop near me.

     'It's a bit early, isn't it?' Even though any customer can be refused service in the UK for any reason at all, it really isn't for the checkout person to comment on any customer's purchases. I could have said, 'None of your business you nosy, snivelling guttersnipe.' I didn't.

     'It is for my guinea-pigs. You should hear them sing when they get drunk. Weeeeek, Weeeeek, Weeeeek!'

The poor lad didn't know whether to laugh or not.

Even longer ago, I was served at a checkout by a young woman.

     'Oh wow!,' she exclaimed, 'You look just like Olly!'

I waited until she was handing me my change.

     'Is he good-looking?, I innocently asked. It is a trick question.

     'Oh, he is gorgeous!'

I smiled at her suddenly red-cheeks when she realised what she had just said.

Complaining and encountering obstacles to progress shouldn't be all bad. Of course, we are emotionally invested and charged by something we do not like or agree with, but, I hope one day, I can take a moment to make a joke about it, instead of invective or negative statements.

Tags: joking, complaint, seagull, chips, running, seagull and chips, gorgeous
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