Library
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Cadwell NOT Caldwell
I could be a mathematician
[2 and a half minute read ]
Opinion
Waiting outside the village library at 2pm I kicked myself for being a fool. I felt better after I recognised a man perambulating towards the library and spoke to him.
'Hello Billy. How close to half past two do you think it is?'
'Very close.' He looked at his watch and I noticed the minute hand on the '3'.
'Quarter past. The library opens at half past.'
'I thought it was two.' he replied. As I said, I felt much better.
We spoke for a while and then he suggested going back towards where we both live; well, at least the other end of the village. After a while I asked a burning question.
'Provender, the shop-keeper, told me you are really good at maths. How good? Provender is a bit light on most subjects and 'really good' is subjective. Just to prove it Billy replied.
'Not so I can help you with what you need maths for.'
'You don't know what my maths capability or understanding is. What kind of level?
'PhD....at sixteen. They have only just awarded it to me though.' He was surprised to learn that I am an Open University graduate and might know something about PhD graduates. Indeed I do; but largely through the course of my work-life.
'What was your PhD paper on?' I asked. I just had to.
'Everything!' He said. 'Everything in maths.'
'No, what was the title?'
'OT. That means everything.' I had no idea what he was on about by now. A PhD on everything in maths with a paper titled 'OT'. I had a friend called Minnie who liked to say 'How odd!' a lot. I hadn't thought about that crazy girl for years.
I told Billy how English Literature studies are weird. 'I think people make a lot of stuff up about books from things they know about the author. I've read books and never even considered the same as a book-reviewer did.'
He didn't answer. The subject was a dead dog to him.
'I'm going back to the library.' I told him, and cycled off.
Later, I thought how old would someone need to be start studying for a PhD and finish at sixteen? Nine, ten? Maybe eleven or twelve for the actual PhD and nine for a first degree. I don't know. As a lie it is difficult to disbelieve, incredulous as it may be. It is a bit like being told that there are more connections in the human brain than there are stars in the known universe. If you say so; I am not about to start counting.
I am, however, much more interested in how people with a degree in maths immediately expect someone to say. 'Oh, I am really rubbish at maths', when they learn that the person has a degree in maths. I noticed one of my neighbours pull that funny face that is chained to, and I think unique to, the subject of maths. If I asked someone their job and they said they are an astronaut, they wouldn't pull the same face because they expect me to say, 'Oh, I am really rubbish at orbiting planets!'
What is it with people who are good at maths? ('Not the type of maths I could help you with!') Just like Mr Heckle in 'Friends', I could be a mathematician.
His name is not really 'Billy'. I was reminded of Sheryl Crowe's 'All I Wanna Do (is have some fun)' 1994 song.
'And Billy likes to peel the
labels,
From his bottles of Bud and
shred them on the bar.
Then he lights every match in
an oversized pack,
Letting each one burn down to
his thick fingers
Before blowing and cursing
them out.'
(lyrics from the poem 'Fun' by Wyn Cooper in 1987) https://www.poemist.com/wyn-cooper/fun
which Sheryl Crowe adapted for her breakthrough hit 'All I Wanna Do (is have some fun)' in 1994. It just popped into my head when I thought back to the chap I had the weird conversation with this afternoon.