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Where is the battery?
Opinion
[ 2 minute read ]
On the way back from the convenience shop I came across a young lad looking under the bonnet of a car. I made a joke about how bored he must be if he thought he would find something exciting under the bonnet.
'I am looking for the battery.' he offered.
I wasn't surprised; I know my way around a car engine's peripherals because I grew up having to and with that confidence was able to start a road haulage business. I no longer expect people under the age of thirty to be able to do much more than put fuel in their car and that completes the technical part of their knowledge for car-driving. That isn't uncharitable of me, it is just that cars don't do the same things that they used to, what with having their own computers to tell them what to do. Let's face it, to bastardise one of my favourite maxims 'You can't fix an analogue problem with a digital solution' into 'you can't fix a digital problem with an analogue solution, if your spanner is not also a computer chip' so why even open the bonnet these days and see what is in there? No point, these days.
After about an hour of explaining what the lad might do with his entirely flat battery, he still wanted to wait for his parents to come back despite admitting that they probably don't know as much as I do about the practicalities of maintaining a car. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Parents are like superheroes to most children.
I really wouldn't be able to drive a vehicle if I didn't know what to do if it suddenly breaks down in the outside lane of a motorway, for example. Nope, no chance. Are modern drivers brave or happy in their ignorance? i am not saying I am a control freak but I am not sure if I could be a passenger in an aircraft if I didn't have a quick go in it first, you know, in case the pilots jump out the cockpit windows one day, or more realistically, eat the same in-flight meal.
'Budge up, captain, hand over the keys. Where's the clutch pedal?'
Sometimes I am the nutter on the bus that no-one wants to sit next to. On an airliner, I would take great pleasure in explaining to other passengers how I would have done something different to something they never even noticed happening.
'Oh dear! We are doing a go-around. That probably means we nearly landed on a plane taking-off.' and, Oooh no! I wouldn't have done that, ooh dear, oh no!' and 'What a shame! If the pilot had gunned it we might have slipped through that gap on the runway.' I would save the best for the most implacable passengers when the plane is affected by turbulence, 'I think the pilot has dropped the vodka bottle again. and is reaching for it on the floor. It must be rolling around a lot.'
I don't do any of that, but I can't help feeling that despite all the knowledge I have on the internal combustion engine I am still an evil passer-by who is intent on causing a young man to destroy his car with a spanner, while his parents are somewhere else and cannot tell him they don't know enough to help.
'Best take it to a mechanic, son.' The thing is, they wouldn't even consider whether their son should or shouldn't wear a shirt and tie when he approaches the garage with the car.
Oh well. Life is like that.
