The Fiend in a Turtle Neck
A romantic comedy.
Prologue
One night I met a stranger in a bar, his need to impress me failed, and I made sure he was aware of his stupidity.
My name is Louise, a stereotypical middle-aged woman who likes a glass of fizz, leads a dull existence, and pets animals as a pastime.
As a matter of fact, the dull bit is past tense. The previous version of myself was a misery and pretty much hated the life she had... until she met a stranger in a bar.
This is my story...
The Fiend in a Turtle Neck
"Do you come here often?" he slurred through his wandering lips.
I looked him up and down in distaste, the way I would normally look at one of my boring work reports, concluding that my new admirer was two gins away from a slap.
My eyes rolled as I swerved from the stool, stepping off elegantly into my new shoes; Ones that I had recently gifted myself from my pathetic pay packet.
"Hey don't go, you are very beautiful with your eyes."
My head turned sharply as I scowled back at him.
"Very beautiful with my eyes...what the...you really are a moron!" I attempted to move away, but he grabbed my arm with the intent of pulling me back to engage in more drunken discussion.
"I'm sorry, I meant, you have beautiful eyes, I was trying to pay you a compli...'
He couldn't finish his sentence due to the mortifying truth that I wasn't as elegant as I had previously thought. Somehow, my balance had disappeared, and with a hideous ankle twist, I ended up falling to the floor in what felt like a scene from the matrix, but a little less nimble. On landing, my pretty floral dress had become a colourful parachute, which in turn, enabled my flesh coloured control pants to become the evening's entertainment.
In utter embarrassment, I jumped up flustered, but quick, and punched the baffled Buffoon that was staring straight at me, hard in the face.
The fiend with the predatory chat up lines.
It is a blur as to what happened next, partly because it all happened so quick, but also because the prosecco was working its magic. One thing was for sure though, the security guards didn't take kindly to a violent middle-aged woman hurling a punch at a leery bloke.
After being escorted outside, I came to the realisation that I would have to go back home to my miserable flat, as my friend was currently examining the throat of someone half her age and certainly wouldn't resist her lust to respond to my text.
I started walking after exchanging a few unpleasantries with the security. My ankle throbbed, and I was crying through bitter tears at the embarrassment of my fall and the realisation that my long awaited night out was now cut short.
I would be spending the rest of the night on my own watching catch up on the TV, yet again.
Placing my hand on a wall that separated the pub and the car park, I took off the instigators of my epic fall. I was just about to throw instigator number one across the street when I heard someone shouting.
"Oi...oi...wait up." I turned around to find the predatory fiend.
"Oi...oi." I shouted back, bemused. "What kind of English is that, and do you want another fat lip to match your top one?"
"Look, I am really sorry, I deserved that. I'm just not good with...and I didn't mean to grab your arm, I just don't know how to talk to women...or woman. I am not gay though...I like women...woman."
"For crying out loud...Are you on drugs?...Seriously."
I was starting to thaw a little at that point...I must admit. There was an innocence that was starting to creep in, and he looked better outside than he did in the pub. Even so, I was in no mood to tolerate idiots, so I attempted to walk off, but he ran in front of me.
"I know you, have you seen me before?" He looked slightly familiar, but I couldn't place where I had seen him before.
I folded my arms in protest but stopped to hear him out.
"I was married for 13 years, my wife left me for the milkman, you would have heard about it, even if you haven't seen me."
I laughed, " The milkman? Couldn't you have thought of something more original..." I paused as I realised who it was stood in front of me. I am not sure which dropped first my mouth, my bag, or my heart.
"You're Phillip Daniels," I whispered
"Oh, you do know me then?" he sighed as if relieved."
"Yes...yes of course. You donated all your inheritance to the Furtree Rescue Centre. Like two million or something. I work there, well, I volunteer on a Friday."
" I know I have seen you...I have been trying to pluck up the courage to talk to you."
I was stunned. "You look nothing like your picture in the paper. I mean who wears turtle necks for a press release?... And your hair?" I laughed, "had a parting as if Jesus was about to walk through it. You looked really smug too." By this point, I had developed a tipsy giggle and a lot of nerves. Phillip Daniels...he was an idol in our town, probably the nicest man I would ever meet, and he wanted to talk to ME...
"Ok, you can stop with the compliments, I will get a big head." He laughed as he flushed a little. "I know I can be a bit goofy, but I just wanted to talk to you. Kath, at the centre, said you were coming here tonight and I..."
At this point I was a little tipsy, so I wasn't sure if it was the Prosecco taking over, or the fact the I was actually very attracted to him, but I lunged at him anyway. Almost as if I had been starved of affection for the last decade.
In truth, it wasn't a bad analogy of my life. Apart from the odd disastrous date, this wasn't far off the mark.
After he excepted my generous gift, we pulled away from each other. As he adjusted his shirt, which had become unbuttoned in places, I patted down my...what was... straight dark bob.
"Well, that was a little unexpected," he smirked as he enthused his words.
Phillip's nervousness had become a little contagious, as I found myself delivering a speech that could have turned into a novel. After a good few minutes, I concluded with the following statement.
"...and that's why I...well...we had that moment. Also, you look better in the light, without that hair and turtle neck combo."
My novel fell incomplete and pointless at that moment as he scooped the base of my neck in his hand, and kissed me with a lot more confidence, and assertiveness, than the first time around.
3 days later
I was very cross and extremely disappointed. I didn't like him at first anyway remember. It was him who chased me. He took my number, said he would call...but didn't. I had to go to the centre, and they would probably all know about how I launched myself at him.
I was upset because, for the last few days, all I could think about was him.
As I walked into the centre, I could already sense the rumour mill had started. The funny looks, the quietness and the odd smirk were undoubtedly noticed. I attempted to put it down to paranoia, but I knew gossip when I saw it.
I stood by myself in the kitchen, making myself a hot drink. The other staff scuttled out of the room, and I swear one was laughing at me. I was just about to march into the supervisor's office when I got a tap on the shoulder. It was Kim, the morning dog walker.
" Lou, could you help me with Pippa, she seems to have got something tied around her neck, poor thing. Could you just try and keep her calm whilst I free it from her."
I quickly put my cup down. Pippa was my Achilles heel. I wanted her so badly, but my landlord wouldn't allow dogs. She was a hybrid of, I'm guessing, a handful of breeds, but with her limp and solitary eye, she was adorable. Sadly no-one wanted her because she was eight and nervous.
I rushed to Pippa, to find a balloon tied around her neck. I turned to Kim but she wasn't there. She was, however, stood with a couple of others waving from the window.
As I walked into her pen and knelt down to fuss the old girl, I spotted a note hanging from the string.
"Meet me near the apple tree."
I smiled as I placed the paper next to my chest. It's Phillip, it's got to be.
I closed the pen and ran to the tree. I stopped behind the outbuilding that separated us, my heart beating so fast, that I almost ran in the other direction through sheer nerves.
Taking a deep breath, I turned the corner and put my hands over my mouth as I laughed out loud.
My predatory fiend was sat on the bench in front of me, and he totally rocked a side parting and a turtle neck.
Present Day
That was three years ago when I lived on my own with only the TV for company.
Now I have a one-eyed dog and a husband.
His name is Phillip Daniels.
The End
