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My best friend's loss

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Tuesday 13 January 2026 at 07:24

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My best friend's loss

[3 minute read ]

A long time ago, on a lonely planet in a quiet solar system where all the other planets had died, Maureen Lipman said, 'It is good to talk.' This was a time when talk was not about the moon landing only a decade ago. Instead, it was about the BBC MIcro home computer and the Sinclair ZX Spectrum (which had a Zilog CPU chip of 1 megaHz). My ten year old, cheap lap-tops have dual core 233Ghz CPU chips, which by today's standards is fast enough for me, but still incredibly slow by modern comparisons. 

Maureen Lipman was advertising the only land-line telecommunication system in the UK. It was B.T. which later became O2, the mobile service provider. If memory serves me right, it was the break-up of the monopoly that B.T. had on telecommunications that gave us Vodafone, Orange, and T-Mobile on our Nokia 3310 'bricks'. I didn't experience that break up; I read about it.

It is good to talk. A conversation I have been having with a linguistics professor has pretty much run its course on a topic we settled on. Don't get me wrong; I should very much like to continue comparing ideas with her but, as with every conversation, things come up as meaning develops, and there comes a time when we start to pull up the drawbridge to our castle of personal privacy. Yet, it is not personal privacy that I am thinking of, because I have a myriad of safety protocols that I can implement whenever I choose. No, for me, on this occasion, I am sealing the castle because, I have to stop myself giving away a crucial aspect in a particular story format that is developing in my mind. Interestingly, the professor thinks that if this aspect in a fantasy world is called upon the readers would get lost. I, however, wholeheartedly disagree; I see it as integral to a plot.

Yesterday, I talked about how we set a Table of Contents for our day, first thing in the morning. The difference between me and the professor is, she is an academic writer, teaching an M.A in English, and I am about as far away from academia as you can get. My first thoughts are not at all linear, and there is no introduction or conclusion that I care to write. There is no goal or end-strategy to consider. In fact, my first thoughts today were about what happened yesterday, which, once I encapsulated the day, I will use as a template to throw over today, except without any torn bits. Of course, I have tasks to complete but they are fairly routine and mun-nal and ba-dane.

Even writing about writing, about my garden, gave enough time for dendrites to form in my brain; and the links gave me sufficient motivation, in the form of reminders, to replant some hedge and accelerate my crop growing activities (I planted some garlic) and I briefly thought about digging up some strawberry plants so the Muntjac deer don't dig them up before me. They really are poor gardeners and leave them uncovered.

Just when a subject gets interesting I have to withdraw from it. It seems then that I am interested in the fine detail, and all the arguments I have on people with PhDs are arguments against myself.

Yet, the Linguistics professor thought that the fine detail I proposed, in a story, would lose the reader. Is there anything else more desirable than to fall into intrigue, and an idea that we have been given an exclusive free ticket to secrets and intimacy? Are we not jealous if our best friend has another best friend, or a new romantic partner that draws them away from us and less time is spent with us? Don't we want to belong to something?

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Mass calls to be honest

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Sunday 11 January 2026 at 08:52

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Mass calls to be honest

I am only a guinea-pig in my own laboratory

[ 9 minute read ]

It is not particularly surprising to me that whatever is the first thing my mind settles on, when I wake, dominates my thoughts for a while, until something else comes along to fascinate me.

Duck hatchlings will fix upon the first thing they see and call it mum. Of course, the 'thing' needs to move, have eyes and not look like itself. I don't think it needs to be alive though; 'imprinting' (Developmental Psychology and Ethology).

Is it the fixation on a subject while we are still waking that writes the Table of Contents for our day? Tomorrow, after I have washed and made a cup of tea and before I do anything else, perhaps I shall write a few words on flowers to see if I do more in my garden later in the evening - I have outside lights.

We all know that I don't need to let my thoughts dwell on my garden to recognise I have a desire to spend more time shaping it to my desire. But if I spend maybe the first twenty minutes from waking with a cup of tea and writing about farms and forests and flowers, I am fairly sure I will imprint my garden in my mind. And like the little ducklings following their mum, the imprinting will act to release the energy and motivation in me to actually pick up a fork and dig.

When I was fourteen, one of my friends said to me, 'To think you can, creates the force that can.' It was completely out of the blue, and apropos to nothing. It is sports psychology and may come under the chapter heading 'Visualise your Win' or something, but today it would be called 'manifesting' and that book is next to the one on Pilates and Yoga, but sometimes misplaced on the shelf on spirituality. Things are always better if we think they are new. He also liked to sing, 'Love is like oxygen, you get too much, you get too high; not enough, and you're gonna die. Love makes you high.'

My daughter, when she was a teenager was grumpy first thing in the morning. I told her to stick her head out her bedroom window when she got up and breathe all the air out of her lungs, until there was none left and then breathe in fresh air. Hold it for a few seconds, and slowly breathe all of it out until there was none left.  I said 'Do this three times and then come downstairs.'

Another trick(?) I had, was to laugh as soon as I woke up, for a few seconds. No particular reason, just laugh. It was a technique I used to calm irritated and frustrated workers in the flower bulb factories in The Netherlands. 

       'Bend over. Put your hands on your belly. Now straighten up and have a good rolling belly laugh. Bounce up and down a little like Father Christmas, but make sure you laugh.' The person felt better; the frustration gone, and the onlookers all smiled. I even became more attractive to some of the other workers.

Hume, the philosopher, believed that if we see someone laughing we are happy and if we see someone crying, it makes us sad. I am convinced that when there is a crisis a stable person makes the people caught up in the crisis feel more stable. I think Anne Heche in the film she made with Harrison Ford, 'Six Days Seven Nights' (1998) summed this up admirably when she said to him, something like, 'Don't fall apart because you are all that is holding me together.' It is a long time since I have seen it, so it is only a suggestion of what she said. I think the 'meat' of the sentiment is there though.

       'To think you can, creates the force that can.'

I had a conversation with someone a few days ago that puzzled me. He, the other guy, said that there is more mass in a human than in all of the space in space. I have no idea. He said he is interested in astronomy so I let it go because even if he is wrong I have nothing to counter anything he says, so it would be a monologue lecture. Either I listen or stop him pushing that idea, because either way I won't just accept what he says. 

The interesting thing is, he was trying to link the mass of a person with their force of authenticity or 'genuineness'. 

       'Children don't lie; they just say what they mean,' he postulated as though it is how much someone weighs that determines how their integrity is perceived by others; well, to him anyway.

I countered with 'Small children don't have blocks of information to sum together to make a coherent statement to outline their mental position', but in a much more conversational format with lots of sentences. Blah, blah, blah...heuristics!' But I was hooked on what he was saying.

I am open to all sorts of communication, telepathy, symbolism, words (spoken and written), tones and pitches in speech, images, and spiritual notions. I felt that this man might have something worth investigating, so I pursued it later in my head. Already I had been having discussions of mass-less fantasy creatures in fantasy stories so I was shaped for fitting through the narrow gates that led me to physics and gravity and magnets; attraction and repulsion.

A long time ago, I used to drink to oblivion when my PTSD got too much for me. I would drink for a few days just seeking unconsciousness. Eventually, I was temporarily 'healed' (?) and I stopped drinking. I always had money left and had food and stuff; it was just a alcohol-driven mental holiday. When you have spent a few days drunk, and only drunk, suddenly stopping drinking is dangerous. You have developed a physiological addiction and 'cold turkey' withdrawal is coming, and it is coming hard.

I could operate well after a day or so after the initial shaking and no sleep for three days and nights. One day though about a week after coming off the alcohol, I was in the local library writing some JavaScript code for my website and I thought I could hear an American radio show advertisement playing over and over again. Clearly, a bit of psychosis or auditory hallucination. The electric fans in the library were on because it was a warm Summer. I left the library and the American radio advert faded. 'Phew! that was nasty!' The library was in a cul-de-sac with no cars. When I got to a road with cars going along it, I noticed that the American radio advert came back in my head, got louder as they approached and faded as they passed away. Quickly, I sought an area away from roads, and sure enough where there were no induction motors or generators there were no American radio adverts in my head. I stored that episode in my memory. It has never happened again. However, in my tent in the woods and away from the roads I could hear the telephone wires nearby throbbing but not as a pulse, more as though they were sending Morse code. I thought at the time that the worlds power lines would make a good antenna for sending messages to alien ships in space or distress calls or something. I don't drink like that any more. With a creative mind though, the 'trips' were entertaining. I think it is more to do with sleep deprivation than the poisonous metabolised alcohol enzyme, acetaldehyde, which is then further metabolised into less harmful substances. You know, no dreaming means you 'trip' while you are awake. My jury is out on that because I am only a guinea-pig in my own laboratory.

Having recently been involved in discussions on fantasy creatures and mass; and having the experience of seemingly hearing electrical devices that give off either superfluous harmonics or electro-magetic fields; and understanding how gravity works to attract bodies of mass together; and learning that there is a type of fox that has to dive through snow to get to voles or small creatures which has a greater success rate when it aligns itself North Westerly; and learning that, that fox has a special protein in its eyes to be able to 'see' the Earth's magnetic field to align itself appropriately; when this man spoke of authenticity coming from the mass of someone, naturally I was intrigued.

Unfortunately, the man's shop manager came out to intimidate me because he was told by a young shop assistant that I was harassing the man with a weird idea. It wasn't me who started that conversation and I was only saying, 'Go on, I am intrigued' and 'I could argue that.' Do I give off something that makes people wary of me. I have been told that I also can be intimidating.

So, I gave the man my card and said 'Contact me because I want to continue this discussion.' He hasn't. Such a loss!

I am both fey and silly enough to believe that the shop manager is influenced by a malevolent spirit and has spiritually removed the man's tongue or his memory of talking to me, as he whipped my card from his hand. He might work for an intelligence agency. If I don't see the man again, it might be because they took him to work at GCHQ. Oooh! I hope so!

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Do spirits and Superheroes have mass?

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Friday 9 January 2026 at 09:02

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[ 6 ½ minute read ]  195 words per minute

Spirits unite against Laws of Physics

A placard I saw in a dream of a protest

A fun conversation I saw on an online learning platform is on researching fantasy. I noticed a comment that mentioned that the commentator is an academic writer and wonders about researching fantasy, ostensibly to assist her in writing fantasy novels. A while ago, I wrote a short story, on the fly, with almost no editing, as is my style. It was about visiting the spirit world. It never occurred to me that I might do any research before I wrote that.

It is easy to assume that one is fey or in some way connected or directly associated with some kind of spirituality, even having a direct link with a supreme being. It is not for me to make any argument as to whether anyone does have a link or is fey. I recognise that when we are alone in the dark and things rustle in hedges we might not be rational and momentarily think that it is a spirit or ghost or something. We might assume it is a rabbit or badger or rats. But, it is not rational to assume. Making assumptions is really using heuristics as adults, summing up blocks of acquired information to make a decision; which I suppose, is why the younger that children are, the more nightmares they have; they don't have enough experience to have built enough mental tools to allay confusion and fear.

It crosses my mind that as adults we might never see fairies and only see faeries. Good luck is much harder to discern than bad luck. While some of us might arrive at work early and cognisant that all the traffic lights were green, most of us, I believe, will only recognise that all the lights were green because we arrived early. If we are running late, and before we arrive somewhere, we tend to notice every red traffic light in real-time. My point is that we notice bad things more readily than good things. Finding a one pound coin or a dollar, is less impactful than losing one and not having enough to pay for our shopping. But, the thinkers among us will notice that there are other factors involved. In economics, the missing pound may have more value than an extra pound (its 'utility' is different). Not only that, green traffic lights have no impact on our driving, we just keep going, whereas red traffic lights have a consequential pattern of action that needs to be performed at every single one of them. Being early to work has little impact on our lives, but being late means having to catch up, or explain ourselves to someone (which means weakening our position).

Fantasy stories, I concluded from the safe discussion elsewhere, still abide by the Laws of Physics we are all aware of. When Superman punches a super-villain, the punch connects with a body of mass and force is definitely obvious as the mass hits a solid building; bits fall off the building. Flying without wings, however, means that there is either no mass or very little mass. When something with very little mass punches something else Newton's Third Law of Motion, which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, tells us that the body of low mass should move away from whatever it has punched. Superman does not move away; so, the Laws of Physics are suspended. 

The spirit world, I suggest, is nothing like what we assume it to be. Even if we don't know, or have never heard of Newton's Third Law of Motion, we all know that there will always be consequences for everything we do, or don't do, and these go right down to every decision we make. In marketing, I came across a paper that stated that we make a decision about half a second before we realise we have, and we actually tell ourselves that a decision has been made. It is somewhere in one of my laptops and since I am not trying to convince anyone of anything, I am not going to hunt for it in order for me to cite it or reference it appropriately. However, a very quick online search gave me a paper in which the abstract matches my statement. I have set the link so it opens in a new page:

https://discovery.ucl.ac.uk/id/eprint/10001129/1/Wiliam2006Half-second71.pdf

Telling ourselves we have made a decision half a second after we have made a decision would fit into a fantasy story. A whole half a second to interrupt the message is a really long time to act. (Such is my wont to not edit, I am leaving the tautology of having a whole half right there). But interruption isn't outside of the realm of possibility in today's technological world; perhaps eye movement gives clues as to the decision-making process. In a fantasy story however, telepathy might be used to prevent a purchase being successfully conducted. 'No decision has been made!'

In Contract Law, there is an offer and acceptance. If the offer is made there is still half a second before the person selling something realises they have made a decision to accept the offer. If we sum the transaction up in terms of available time for thought interference, a nefarious entity would have a whole second to play with, to prevent the transaction being finalised. 

       'Hmmm, I don't know' while standing before a display of clothes in a clothes shop doesn't necessarily mean you haven't made a decision; it means you haven't told yourself that you have made a decision. If you are delaying in making purchases for too long (is there 'too long' in retail therapy?) you might want to look around for someone staring at you; but then you might not see something with no mass. It might only be a disappointed wisp that fell from someone who lost some money, who passed you by earlier. Their decision to buy, thwarted by the physical inability to complete a purchase.

From psychology: cognitive dissonance is the feeling we experience when we have bought something and are, quite soon after, disappointed by its use or aesthetic value, its utility. It is less valuable to us then we first thought it to be. 

Not being able to buy something because we thought we had enough money and then discovering we do not (disappointment), mirrors cognitive dissonance in that, from economics, the assumed utility (value to us) of the contents of our purse or pocket is less then it really is (we are disappointed by the utility of our available money). Because money is money, a single unit of currency can buy a number of things, so its utility does not change. It is when it cannot buy what we desire that its utility is considered to be inadequate. £10 (ten GB pounds) buys less than £9 (nine GB pounds), so it is the sum of the money and its utility that changes and not the individual unit of currency.

The indecision to buy something comes from experience of being disappointed and we use heuristics to help us decide what to do; in this case, empiricism. A young child sees something and buys it because they like it without knowing that they could be disappointed. How many parents notice that their children played with something for an hour and then never again? Young children, I suggest, find disappointment and cognitive dissonance difficult to process, so they make decisions to buy quite readily. 

Initially, I thought that the academic people who professed a desire to research fantasy [stories] were on a fools errand, but now I am not so sure. I can't decide.

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Kazoo beats Punch

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Saturday 13 December 2025 at 07:57

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[ 4 minute read ]

Republished 14:34 (o'clock in the afternoon) 12th December 2025 from 08:02 Friday 12th December 2025

In Rock, Paper, Scissors, kazoo beats punch

I had a fight with my neighbour's spirit last night. Well, I say 'fight' and I say 'my neighbour' but there wasn't any punching; more a controlling of flailing limbs in a desire to constrain my neighbour's spirit and demand he desist from bothering me while I am asleep. When I say 'neighbour, it could be a malevolent spirit that has tracked me down from the past. 

I wasn't alone in tackling my neighbour; I am pretty sure it is him because it is the same one that looms over me and wakes me every night and arrived the day my neighbour moved in five years ago. When I caught him doing it last year he bit my knee. I think another neighbour was also helping me last night; or maybe it was his girlfriend. Either way, the helping spirit seemed to give off associative female tones, so it wasn't Hakim, my spirit guardian; he is more guard than fighter.

The female associated spirit didn't try to wrestle with or hold the nasty and bulky intruder to my home. Instead, she was trying to persuade me to not punch the spirit or constrain him. She, wanted to play music to him with a kazoo. Of course, I ridiculed playing a kazoo as an effective method to quieten the foolish and indignant spirit. My neighbour is so foolish that he thinks he has a right to let his spirit wander where it will; I chose the word 'fool' because it is the closest description of him while he is awake. He is one of those people who pretends to be something he is not. Any light scratch on his veneer of authenticity reveals a gaping maw of emptiness. I might suggest here that our spirits are a reflection of ourselves and while potentially supreme in their abilities cannot exceed the constraints that the dull minds to which they are associated place on them.

A long time ago, I used to cycle twenty something miles (32km +) to visit my mother. Sometimes, I would stay overnight. Every time I stayed she went to bed before I did. I always woke the next day feeling rough and troubled. One time, I decided to test an idea I had. I went to bed before her and quickly went to sleep. I woke refreshed and lively and asked her later how she had slept. 'Terrible,' she said. I knew exactly how she felt.

In the fight with my neighbour's spirit, I had a human bent on hurting it to dissuade it from coming back. You know, pain can act as a powerful reminder to not do the same things that resulted in pain being a consequence. Of course, the female's spirit was right; pain is for humans. When I consider spirits now that I have allowed my thoughts to slow a little and mellow into acceptance, they can fit into tiny nooks and crannies by shrinking their aspect and making themselves denser. Punching a spirit is about as effective as trying to hurt a fart with a spatula; it will merely dissipate and, if the fart had reason, coalesce somewhere else. 

I know spirits can be bound with blue rope, but the kazoo is a new one on me. I can't help thinking of snake-charming; but that really suggests I am more of a tyro than I thought. I wonder what tune the female's spirit was about to play. I now wonder if it did actually play a tune and I was, by its effect, compelled to release the wriggling spirit. Oh, I was so angry and bent on attacking. I was searching for a mallet. It is a defense I have never before exacted. Every other time I have persuaded spirits to leave and they go. His spirit touched me though. Ding! Big alarm bell. 

Hmm! Maybe the female type spirit was actually Hakim. Oh! Perhaps Harrari came to help me. That would explain why I let go. She has shown her ability to soothe my mind in the past. But I can't really see an alien shouting at me to let go because she wanted to play a kazoo which she was asking me to find and hand her. The spirit world is weird though. I realise that it is possible that in following these seemingly odd instructions, perhaps I would align myself with assuming control over my own spiritual protection; something like letting go of violence and seeking non-combative and ameliorating action. I really don't feel like shaking hands and patting each other on the back in a jovial and friendly fashion right now though. 

Good Crikeyness! I still have so much to learn. I think I am mostly benign; like a pet cat that is actually a domesticated wild animal. 'Never pull the tail of a sleeping tiger.' Hopefully, my neighbour has learnt this.

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kazoo beats punch

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Friday 12 December 2025 at 14:40

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[ 4 minute read ]

In Rock, Paper, Scissors, kazoo beats punch

I had a fight with my neighbour's spirit last night. Well, I say 'fight' and I say 'my neighbour' but there wasn't any punching; more a controlling of flailing limbs in a desire to constrain my neighbour's spirit and demand he desist from bothering me while I am asleep. When I say 'neighbour, it could be a malevolent spirit that has tracked me down from the past. 

I wasn't alone in tackling my neighbour; I am pretty sure it is him because it is the same one that looms over me and wakes me every night and arrived the day my neighbour moved in five years ago. When I caught him doing it last year he bit my knee. I think another neighbour was also helping me last night; or maybe it was his girlfriend. Either way, the helping spirit seemed to give off associative female tones, so it wasn't Hakim, my spirit guardian; he is more guard than fighter.

The female associated spirit didn't try to wrestle with or hold the nasty and bulky intruder to my home. Instead, she was trying to persuade me to not punch the spirit or constrain him. She, wanted to play music to him with a kazoo. Of course, I ridiculed playing a kazoo as an effective method to quieten the foolish and indignant spirit. My neighbour is so foolish that he thinks he has a right to let his spirit wander where it will; I chose the word 'fool' because it is the closest description of him while he is awake. He is one of those people who pretends to be something he is not. Any light scratch on his veneer of authenticity reveals a gaping maw of emptiness. I might suggest here that our spirits are a reflection of ourselves and while potentially supreme in their abilities cannot exceed the constraints that the dull minds to which they are associated place on them.

A long time ago, I used to cycle twenty something miles (32km +) to visit my mother. Sometimes, I would stay overnight. Every time I stayed she went to bed before I did. I always woke the next day feeling rough and troubled. One time, I decided to test an idea I had. I went to bed before her and quickly went to sleep. I woke refreshed and lively and asked her later how she had slept. 'Terrible,' she said. I knew exactly how she felt.

In the fight with my neighbour's spirit, I had a human bent on hurting it to dissuade it from coming back. You know, pain can act as a powerful reminder to not do the same things that resulted in pain being a consequence. Of course, the female's spirit was right; pain is for humans. When I consider spirits now that I have allowed my thoughts to slow a little and mellow into acceptance, they can fit into tiny nooks and crannies by shrinking their aspect and making themselves denser. Punching a spirit is about as effective as trying to hurt a fart with a spatula; it will merely dissipate and, if the fart had reason, coalesce somewhere else. 

I know spirits can be bound with blue rope, but the kazoo is a new one on me. I can't help thinking of snake-charming; but that really suggests I am more of a tyro than I thought. I wonder what tune the female's spirit was about to play. I now wonder if it did actually play a tune and I was, by its effect, compelled to release the wriggling spirit. Oh, I was so angry and bent on attacking. I was searching for a mallet. It is a defense I have never before exacted. Every other time I have persuaded spirits to leave and they go. His spirit touched me though. Ding! Big alarm bell. 

Hmm! Maybe the female type spirit was actually Hakim. Oh! Perhaps Harrari came to help me. That would explain why I let go. She has shown her ability to soothe my mind in the past. But I can't really see an alien shouting at me to let go because she wanted to play a kazoo which she was asking me to find and hand her. The spirit world is weird though. I realise that it is possible that in following these seemingly odd instructions, perhaps I would align myself with assuming control over my own spiritual protection; something like letting go of violence and seeking non-combative and ameliorating action. I really don't feel like shaking hands and patting each other on the back in a jovial and friendly fashion right now though. 

Good Crikeyness! I still have so much to learn. I think I am mostly benign; like a pet cat that is actually a domesticated wild animal. 'Never pull the tail of a sleeping tiger.' Hopefully, my neighbour has learnt this.

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Fey feeling and funked

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Saturday 29 November 2025 at 02:38

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[ 5 minute read ]

Fey, Feeling and Funked


I have always been fey, though not especially knowing. Others have spoken of glimpsing something from the corner of their eye; a movement or a shadow. If I am tired and have not slept for days I see that too. I see shade that languidly spills from an armchair but never directly; the lights are far too bright for that. On occasion, I feel a cold fingertip on my neck or a 'spider' that runs across the stubble on the top of my head. These are the fringes of observance when you are close to the veil.

My Chilean girlfriend of long ago used to say, ‘Bettre’ instead of ‘Better', as in ‘That is bettre than that.’ I let her word slip through my lips sometimes, and sometimes wonder if she can hear me, feel me, know I am near; not in her space but in her void. Perhaps she has been somewhere and left a trace which I feel, like our hands have momentarily almost touched and a breeze, for a moment, melds the thinness of our essence together, though only near our hands. I try not to say ‘bettre’ too much in case I disturb her, just as I only look at photographs of my family with one eye. I am not a holder of the past and I have no intent to keep people from their present. With binocular vision we are hunters and our focus is seen in the animal and spirit world, However, I have seen many monsters with only a single eye remaining. I know they are monsters, but I am certain they do not.

Sometimes, I let creatures too near and I have to live my hour by the skin of my teeth. But it is never only an hour because the clock started ticking a long time ago. If I could draw I would draw a hill and a picnic table on top. That is where I would draw the people I know, because that is where the people I know think they are. They are not there. They are near a sea of torrent, of relentless waves trying to reach for them; greedy and cruel. It is not water and it is not wet. It is suffocating and it is cloying and sticky. Sometimes, I see people drenched in dry smoke that is neither the air or the sea. There is never a cleanness when I see them. I never smell flowers that shouldn’t be there, like I do when my hand almost touches the hand of my now gone Chilean girlfriend. 

The shade that was near the door has gone now and only shivers cross my body. They start on my back and ripple down to my legs, like throwing a stone into still waters. They are not cold and I know they are not to warn me of heavy danger. There is only something near-by and, though keenly watching, it is only trying to move its hands past my own. I wonder then, if I had a secret word that some woman I loved, and was loved in return, knows about and she is silently but loudly speaking. We are not practiced at love or how to show it, she and I.

It is late and the ogre who diurnally stumbles near me has slipped into sleep and his presence looms near, asking who I am in confused and never comprehending stupor. Hakim, my spirit avatar, nods invisibly to me to signify that I am correct; the troll is around. He moves from room to room, short-sightedly peering at my things and Hakim follows to make sure he leaves no spiritual trip-hazards. Hakim against this lumbering fool is no match; their aspects do not match. Hakim’s experience and sensibility is clearly defined and closely controlled, while the tendrils of despair and gloom that break from the miasma of complex endings of everything attempted, that is the ogre, dissipate, but not before they choke the tiny creatures that try to take a breath. The ogre never coalesces enough to be grasped in any world. Lost and fumbling, there is only a question of why, about itself; why is…?

The air heavy with its passing, still has within it inquisitiveness that squints past the acrid swipe of its passing across stinging eyes. We are all impatient but we know we are wasting our time. This is not anything that can reason; it has no background and no support; it is riven from anoesis that is, in fact, only dried and discarded slim succour. As such, it is separate and has no knowledge of from whence it came. It sees and then forgets, but it is disturbing. It is a reflection, a poor facsimile of a living entity who is disturbed. Hakim offered me a piece of paper with angry scribbling on it, such as someone might randomly cause a pen to make a mark on with no attempt to make a shape or a word, and I agree; it is so. 

Because I am mindful of its spiritual pollution I cannot feel anything else. I know that Harrari, the abandoned alien, would reprimand me now. It is I who is the cause of my imperception, I have a headache. She is right. I made the headache myself.

I can’t hear ‘bettre’ now and I cannot feel or smell a mellifluous breeze as our hands nearly touch. But she was never my love; it is someone else who makes my tears come now. I mostly hide her. I see her face and I call, but never her name. I quietly call but I don’t know her secret word. Sometimes, I fancy I hear her voice. Once, I think she waved. Hakim tells me not to form her image or her likes to surround her, because we, in life, were so close, but I couldn’t help it just then.

I am fey, feeling, and funked.

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I met Myself

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Saturday 13 September 2025 at 11:17

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four stylised people talking

[ 8 minute read ]

You make me want to be a better person

Because we cannot hear what our voices sound like to others we are surprised to hear it when we first hear a recording of our own voice. Similarly, I once heard that if we met ourselves in the street we would always thereafter cross the road whenever we saw ourselves to avoid another meeting; such is the distaste we would have at our own selves. In other words, we would not want to be friends with ourselves.

two silhouettes of men surrounding text Half Penny Stories

The man in his fifties

      'What, you don't need me anymore?', said the man in his fifties to me as he came down the library stairs. This man did not seem to be offended nor surprised, merely bemused. I suspected he was not significant in improving my day, and he seemed to be wondering what he would do before he finally disassembled after gradually fading, if I continued to ignore him. At least, that is what I was wondering.

I ignored this familiar, though not recognised man. I had no idea who he was, simply because I had never seen myself before without prejudice, and never heard my own voice coming from outside my own head, without the resonances in my mouth and nasal passages acting as feedback.

At the time I didn’t realise that I had imagined and created him to guard me and warn me of impending danger, which he had so far done exceedingly well, though not in a language that I understood, more as an uncomfortable feeling, of concern in a particular direction. I knew that it had been useful, really useful, to be somehow connected to someone unbiased and disconnected from the world by a slight phase shift; a delay of a few milliseconds. I had also used him as a counselor, or just someone to act as devil’s advocate; a sounding board, if you will; this was, after all, someone I had never met in the real world, would never be punitively accountable to, or ever expect him to tell my secrets. But at this time of first meeting a visible, seemingly solid, manifestation I was still clueless.

Later, when I was talking to an elderly lady, the man in his fifties came back, talking nonsense, well, almost nonsense; certainly interjecting himself in a boorish manner. He seemed to be someone else's idea of confident and open, and desperately, though dismally, trying to demonstrate some kind of learnedness that encompassed the current situation and everything in it.

Disgusted, I walked away and left him to it - not wanting to become engaged in any kind of difficult dialogue with him. I felt sorry for the elderly woman, leaving her talking to, what was really just obfuscation of her slight problem with a shopping trolley; a bit like inclement weather. I didn't know it was myself she was talking to, me just a few days, weeks, years ago, but now projected as a probable future outcome. It was that same person, me in the past and recent present, compressed into a single moment. I had, in fact, two decades ago as a teenager, created a manifestation to fill the gap in my own emotional mis-education. No wonder no-one liked me now if I was going to be like that.

During the next few days a few people, strangers I met, looked at me a bit too long as though they recognised me, or  puzzled as though I had sworn out loud for no reason, or saw a change in me. How could they? They had never met me. No, but it soon became apparent they had met the man in his fifties. To be fair, they hadn't actually met the man in his fifties. Instead, their own being, imagined, created or organically existing, inside of these strangers, who in their cases happened to be the same age as themselves, had met the man in his fifties; this being my future self if I did not change my ways. They knew each other, and on days off had sometimes met and wildly pontificated their theories on everything; they were, after all, not bound by a fear of failure and consequently were supremely confident.

Later that day, I met the elderly woman again. The wheel on her stolen shopping trolley was still about to fall off, much like it had been ‘borrowed’ in the 1990s and had never been properly maintained up to today. That in itself was strange, but that she looked like how my wife might look in forty years was overwhelmingly disturbing.

       ‘Who was that awful man?’ she asked. I had a strange feeling then that I was not going to remain married. This fleeting feeling of deja vu and prescience broke the veil of incomprehension. I understood in a small way who the man in his fifties might be.

Hakim, my outrageously handsome childhood friend met me at the bar in the pub that evening. He was much more sanguine about how my day had played out. When I say handsome, I mean that I try not be seen with him in public because, although my features are plain, in comparison with his, I would be arrested for being in possession of an offensive face. My only advantage was that being slightly taller than average height I towered over his diminutive one metre fifty stature.

We stayed sitting at the bar, our usual place. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing’, he said, ‘I have had whole conversations with animals about re-incarnation.’ He climbed down from his stool and flambuoyantly limped over to the docile dog in the corner.

      ‘Jean-Paul', he said, ‘When will you give me that ten Francs you borrowed from me twenty years ago in Paris?’ Hakim has a sense of humour that makes it difficult for me to know when he is joking or just crazy.

While Hakim was in the toilet, the man in his fifties came in, stood briefly at the bar, then took a stool there, two stools away, waiting to be served. My heart sank. It plummeted into depths of despair when Hakim walked jauntily back in without his limp and climbed his stool again. Please don’t talk to him, Hakim, I prayed.

‘Long time no see, Martin! Have a beer?’ My name is Martin but Hakim was not looking at me. I was beginning to realise that Hakim might actually have whole conversations with dogs, and why he is supremely confident; he could see my older self, just as I could. For the first time, I regretted reading that book. ‘Mind Games’, when I was fourteen, and particularly the chapter titled. ‘How to manifest a being’. A kaleidoscope of jigsaw pieces fell into place as developing thoughts in my mind. Most of these I knew to be only suppositions, such as virgins have a greater ability to manifest in the spirit world, like Oracles in ancient civilisations. I had manifested ‘Martin’, my avatar, before I had scratched the itch of carnal desire with someone else. ‘Martin’ was consequently, not a temporary being.

Alarmingly, it seemed that my manifestation now had agency over itself. I suspected that Hakim already knew this. I knew that I would not shake ‘Martin’ off, as me in thirty years time, without help. I looked hopefully at Hakim, who ignored me.

       ‘Get Martin whatever he is drinking, please.’ he said to the barman, gesturing to the man in his fifties.

Oh no! I thought, This is the being that guided me, without tripping, through a completely dark wood, after I fell in a ditch. I didn’t like this manifestation but I should.

- end -

silhouette of a female face in profile

Are these the persons who precede us? 

Do these persons judge us before we ever arrive? So when first impressions in the real world count, they really don't?

Realistically, I think first impressions in the real world do count, yet not necessarily in the ways that many people postulate. We can tell if someone is fit by the way they walk. We can tell if someone is polite or merely aware of social protocols. I am fairly certain that it is how we perceive ourselves that causes us to shape ourselves to a reasonable conformity of our expectations. I slouch, not so much because I am tall, but because I am jaded. I make mock gestures of tipping my hat to strangers to let them know I have a sense of humour and a recognition of manners past, because I feel isolated. There are a myriad of tiny things I do which I do not recognise because I have not met myself and can’t see them. If I met myself coming down the street, I would see a man tipping an invisible hat and jauntily and happily moaning about his perception of the world. I would cross the road to avoid myself. The little story is about how awkward I would feel if I had to introduce my embarrassing invisible friend (me) to my other friends, as someone I love and respect. Strangely, this invisible friend is someone my friends and family have already met.

‘Old Martin, You make me want to be a better person.’

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Spirit and Alien Party

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Edited by Martin Cadwell, Thursday 17 July 2025 at 13:16

The complete story is 10678 words long and takes 52 minutes to read at 210 words per minute.

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This was post titled The Spirit Party, but I discovered that there is now an actual new UK political party called that.

Silhouette of a female face in profile

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[ 10 minute read ]

This is a serialised story that has new 'chapters' added as attached documents within this blog. In total there are eight 'chapters' as docx downloadable files and a complete story that has no embellishment or colour. This means the the story was written 'on the fly' with no planning, sub-plot, or content editing. It is, however, edited for grammar and comprehension as well as I am able to do. i will readdress the completed story to see if I can play with it a bit to help me develop my articulation.

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New Party

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Hakim, my guardian avatar I manifested when I was sixteen to save me from spiritual harm, made a suggestion to me this morning, when he saw me reading about Elon Musk creating a new political party.

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       ‘We should create one.’

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He meant in the UK, where I live.

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There seems to be a new trend of making new political parties. People are not at all in agreement with the existing ones. I was about to write ‘regular parties’ but Hakim was saying,

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       ‘Irregular’

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He’s right, I suppose, but I think it is more because people are, these days, more nuanced in their thinking; more flighty in their opinions; more able to form opinions in the dark when the light keeps going dim. In other words, easily distracted by new and shiny things or more febrile like two year-olds throwing tantrums. Not everyone, just the one’s I come across albeit vicariously.

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When Hakim said, ‘We should start one’, I think he meant; me, the human; him, the spirit avatar; and Harrari, the abandoned alien who I found in a wood a few years ago. On the face of it, we would make a good team. Unfortunately, Hakim’s principle role is to wake me up when there is a presence of psychic or spiritual threat while I am asleep. It is only recently that we actually converse. He wears this ‘stripe’ of promotion with bountiful pride. Harrari, is still young and separated from her absolutely ruthless brothers, who let it be known, held obscurrence of their presence, when they were here, to be paramount in their activities. While never violent in their actions to remain hidden, they could be. Oh yes! I have never met them but I never disrespect Harrari, let’s put it that way. She, (I think she is female) has all the capability of obscurrence, obfuscation and thought changing skills. Sadly, she doesn’t think she will be accepted back in her ‘world’ because she has gone ‘Indian’, as they used to say in the United States to mean that a white man had adopted indigenous Indian values.

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What we have to remember is that I am the only one that has a visible form, or at least can maintain it. Sometimes, rarely, Harrari takes a female form, and for some reason calls herself Holly Hedges, so she COULD present as a party member if we created a new party. Ethically though, she would have to reel back her thought-changing ability. She can make people change their minds, well, desire really. I will spell it out; she is a composite of manipulation, muted ruthlessness and prescience.

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But, who could be party members? We would have to gently ‘knock’ on the veil that separates us from the spirit world. Of course, there is a blending between the ‘worlds’, and our human world is suffused with what we believe is serendipity, strangeness and ‘magic’; meaning these are the things we like and we go ‘Ooh, that was fun or lucky or weird.’ There is also an aspect of the blending that we find frightening, evil, dishonest, and just plain mean. We all come across this, almost on a daily basis, even if it is a neighbour playing loud music just to spite you. (They have been infected - or you might think they are socially uneducated) To be fair though, when humans mostly enter the spirit world, and they frequently blunder in, they are, to the beings there, similar to how we view drunken teenagers with traffic cones on their heads, vomiting in people’s front gardens. We can, I think, begin to see how changing how we humans act might change the response from the warmongers in the spirit world.

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So, knock, knock. Let’s say there really is a door that is the appropriate portal for diplomatic discussion. Who are we going to speak to?

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       ‘What?’ A horned faerie.

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       ‘Hello, so nice to finally meet you!’ A winged fairy, not unlike Tinkerbell in Peter Pan.

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Or silence, just a feeling of there being something there and then a gradual forming of shape we recognise.

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What we are not factoring in, though, is whether there is a democratic system in the spirit world.

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Two silhouetted men either side of text that says Half Penny Stories     

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 stylised image of a human figure with a shadow   The Spirit and Alien Party

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       ‘We should create our own political party’, said Hakim, ‘You know, you, me and Harrari.’

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I eyed him skeptically. Harrari came to listen. Hakim went on.

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       ‘You, of course, would be the leader.’ I felt he was trying to convince me rather than suggest but now that Harrari was here his efforts would be wasted. She quickly quashed any effect that flattery would have on me. But, for a moment, I was kind of hopeful of some kind of prominence in the world; ‘Hmm, Leader’, I thought. Okay, not!

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       ‘Who would we have in it besides us? Humans?’ This, I knew as soon as I said it was framed completely wrong. Fortunately, Harrari and Hakim have formed a link and they smoothed it out between them. They know I am not contemptuous of humans, just a little spoilt by having two aspects that are widely disparate but closely complimentary, to help me.

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       ‘I know some people’. He meant spirits that belong to people. The advantage of having these spirits in the party, I knew, was that they can talk to each other without the hosts knowing what they are saying. This means that they can coax and cajole their respective hosts into making a decision but the ultimate choice always remains with the human. Humans don’t always make the right decision and they are swayed by flattery and unfounded ambition, (Hmm, Leader, I thought).

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Of course, we would need votes from the nation. Harrari can make anyone think anything is a good idea and the result is that they act on a decision that she has effectively planted in their heads, but she cannot do it with millions of people by herself. She would need help from her family, but we all knew THAT wasn’t going to happen; she was marooned.

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Sooner or later we were going to have to make some ‘friends’. Unfortunately, I somehow threw away the manual on ‘Entering the Spirit World (without making a mess)’, without ever having seen or owned it. I was also known for ‘crashing the party’. We would have to tread very carefully.

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       ‘Make the introductions, Hakim.’ I said, intrigued but also mindful of burning bridges. It is after all extremely important that I maintain as neutral connection as possible with the hope of an improvement in relations.

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       ‘See,’ said Harrari. ‘You are already thinking like a politician’.

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I wasn’t pleased, because to a British human, that can be an insult, but I felt her soft conciliatory hand gently smoothing my thoughts. ‘Diplomatic. Okay’ It is strange to think that a ruthless killer has a soft hand. I rather think her brothers do not.

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Hakim came back with the spirit of the man I met in the village shop on the 29th May. He warned us that he didn’t have long because the man was about to wake up soon, but he thought he knew someone who could help and offered his support as a firm believer that the war should stop, so we had his vote. I wasn’t really sure if he meant war or skirmishes, but I let it go; maybe something was lost in translation, telepathy from both Hakim and Harrari, who were translating for me, and the rapidly replaced words on his banner, for my benefit, was a bit much for me. Then he was gone.

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We waited for a few minutes. All three of us knew that just waiting was a fool’s errand, if doing nothing even is an errand or task. I went to the shop to get bread and Baked Beans, (which aren’t really baked), because it is almost inevitable that we must interact with our own world to be open to new ‘holes’ in the veil where communication is possible. If you imagine darkness, that is not dark, and then a little hole forming that allows light through, that isn’t light, which gets bigger so a face appears, that isn’t a face, you understand how hard it is to keep an appointment that isn’t an appointment. Alternatively, we could call it coincidence or serendipity. Harrari, tells me it is alignment, which is how she is able to fill in the blanks and ‘help’ people change their minds. The prominent question was whether I should eat or wait. Slight hunger is the best state to be in for ‘meetings’ or focus. However, deliberate malnutrition is considered by the spirit world to be driving a bulldozer through the veil and it will not be met with Tinkerbell fairies; expect the angry horned faerie instead. That said, they are not nasty per se, just if you upset them. But, who knows what upsets them? My advice is ‘Best not’, whatever it is you are thinking of doing to force it.

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Why buy Baked Beans? Because they are not. The best place to look for ‘communication holes’ or portals is where there is confusion and deceit. I should like to say that every tin of Jolly Green Giant sweetcorn is a portal because it says that the grains inside are one of your five a day. No, fruit and vegetables are one of your five a day. I should like to say hang around in the sweetcorn aisle but it is just marketing, not really deceit. Baked Beans, on the other hand, used to be baked underground and still could be if one wanted to. Different kettle of fish entirely. It’s all about history and ‘is it, isn’t it?’. Certainly though, there is no magic connection caused by actually having baked beans, baked or not.

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Harrari decided to chip in.

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       ‘Being ‘open’ is about suspending rationale; it is about being in a liminal state of ‘maybe’. It is a balancing act between being immutable and trapped in reason on one side, and psychosis on the other; neither is the optimum state for success in either world.’

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       ‘That is the rule for engineers. It doesn’t apply to scientists.’ I said.

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Hakim laughed.

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       ‘Hah, I would like to meet a scientist with a spirit avatar and an alien friend.’

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       ‘Quite a lot of maybe, isn’t there?’ I agreed.

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We waited and I was beginning to think that politely ‘ringing the bell’ in a hope of avoiding a bellicose and belligerent horned faerie, and the super-nice, though at times spiteful, winged Tinkerbell fairy, in favour of the ‘something’ forming in the ether, might be a waste of time. But, thinking about it, expecting the spirit world to be at our beck and call is just plain arrogance.

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- end -

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I should like to continue this little story; it’s fun, and I think I will come back to it.

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I met myself and now I want to be a better person

Visible to anyone in the world
Edited by Martin Cadwell, Tuesday 15 April 2025 at 20:47

The link to all the my posts https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/view.php?u=zw219551

four stylised people talking

[ 8 minute read ]

You make me want to be a better person

Because we cannot hear what our voices sound like to others we are surprised to hear it when we first hear a recording of our own voice. Similarly, I once heard that if we met ourselves in the street we would always thereafter cross the road whenever we saw ourselves to avoid another meeting; such is the distaste we would have at our own selves. In other words, we would not want to be friends with ourselves.


two silhouettes of men surrounding text Half Penny Stories

The man in his fifties

      'What, you don't need me anymore?', said the man in his fifties to me as he came down the library stairs. This man did not seem to be offended nor surprised, merely bemused. I suspected he was not significant in improving my day, and he seemed to be wondering what he would do before he finally disassembled after gradually fading, if I continued to ignore him. At least, that is what I was wondering.

I ignored this familiar, though not recognised man. I had no idea who he was, simply because I had never seen myself before without prejudice, and never heard my own voice coming from outside my own head, without the resonances in my mouth and nasal passages acting as feedback.

At the time I didn’t realise that I had imagined and created him to guard me and warn me of impending danger, which he had so far done exceedingly well, though not in a language that I understood, more as an uncomfortable feeling, of concern in a particular direction. I knew that it had been useful, really useful, to be somehow connected to someone unbiased and disconnected from the world by a slight phase shift; a delay of a few milliseconds. I had also used him as a counselor, or just someone to act as devil’s advocate; a sounding board, if you will; this was, after all, someone I had never met in the real world, would never be punitively accountable to, or ever expect him to tell my secrets. But at this time of first meeting a visible, seemingly solid, manifestation I was still clueless.

Later, when I was talking to an elderly lady, the man in his fifties came back, talking nonsense, well, almost nonsense; certainly interjecting himself in a boorish manner. He seemed to be someone else's idea of confident and open, and desperately, though dismally, trying to demonstrate some kind of learnedness that encompassed the current situation and everything in it.

Disgusted, I walked away and left him to it - not wanting to become engaged in any kind of difficult dialogue with him. I felt sorry for the elderly woman, leaving her talking to, what was really just obfuscation of her slight problem with a shopping trolley; a bit like inclement weather. I didn't know it was myself she was talking to, me just a few days, weeks, years ago, but now projected as a probable future outcome. It was that same person, me in the past and recent present, compressed into a single moment. I had, in fact, two decades ago as a teenager, created a manifestation to fill the gap in my own emotional mis-education. No wonder no-one liked me now if I was going to be like that.

During the next few days a few people, strangers I met, looked at me a bit too long as though they recognised me, or  puzzled as though I had sworn out loud for no reason, or saw a change in me. How could they? They had never met me. No, but it soon became apparent they had met the man in his fifties. To be fair, they hadn't actually met the man in his fifties. Instead, their own being, imagined, created or organically existing, inside of these strangers, who in their cases happened to be the same age as themselves, had met the man in his fifties; this being my future self if I did not change my ways. They knew each other, and on days off had sometimes met and wildly pontificated their theories on everything; they were, after all, not bound by a fear of failure and consequently were supremely confident.

Later that day, I met the elderly woman again. The wheel on her stolen shopping trolley was still about to fall off, much like it had been ‘borrowed’ in the 1990s and had never been properly maintained up to today. That in itself was strange, but that she looked like how my wife might look in forty years was overwhelmingly disturbing.

       ‘Who was that awful man?’ she asked. I had a strange feeling then that I was not going to remain married. This fleeting feeling of deja vu and prescience broke the veil of incomprehension. I understood in a small way who the man in his fifties might be.

Hakim, my outrageously handsome childhood friend met me at the bar in the pub that evening. He was much more sanguine about how my day had played out. When I say handsome, I mean that I try not be seen with him in public because, although my features are plain, in comparison with his, I would be arrested for being in possession of an offensive face. My only advantage was that being slightly taller than average height I towered over his diminutive one metre fifty stature.

We stayed sitting at the bar, our usual place. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing’, he said, ‘I have had whole conversations with animals about re-incarnation.’ He climbed down from his stool and flambuoyantly limped over to the docile dog in the corner.

      ‘Jean-Paul', he said, ‘When will you give me that ten Francs you borrowed from me twenty years ago in Paris?’ Hakim has a sense of humour that makes it difficult for me to know when he is joking or just crazy.

While Hakim was in the toilet, the man in his fifties came in, stood briefly at the bar, then took a stool there, two stools away, waiting to be served. My heart sank. It plummeted into depths of despair when Hakim walked jauntily back in without his limp and climbed his stool again. Please don’t talk to him, Hakim, I prayed.

‘Long time no see, Martin! Have a beer?’ My name is Martin but Hakim was not looking at me. I was beginning to realise that Hakim might actually have whole conversations with dogs, and why he is supremely confident; he could see my older self, just as I could. For the first time, I regretted reading that book. ‘Mind Games’, when I was fourteen, and particularly the chapter titled. ‘How to manifest a being’. A kaleidoscope of jigsaw pieces fell into place as developing thoughts in my mind. Most of these I knew to be only suppositions, such as virgins have a greater ability to manifest in the spirit world, like Oracles in ancient civilisations. I had manifested ‘Martin’, my avatar, before I had scratched the itch of carnal desire with someone else. ‘Martin’ was consequently, not a temporary being.

Alarmingly, it seemed that my manifestation now had agency over itself. I suspected that Hakim already knew this. I knew that I would not shake ‘Martin’ off, as me in thirty years time, without help. I looked hopefully at Hakim, who ignored me.

       ‘Get Martin whatever he is drinking, please.’ he said to the barman, gesturing to the man in his fifties.

Oh no! I thought, This is the being that guided me, without tripping, through a completely dark wood, after I fell in a ditch. I didn’t like this manifestation but I should.

- end -


silhouette of a female face in profile

Are these the persons who precede us? 

Do these persons judge us before we ever arrive? So when first impressions in the real world count, they really don't?

Realistically, I think first impressions in the real world do count, yet not necessarily in the ways that many people postulate. We can tell if someone is fit by the way they walk. We can tell if someone is polite or merely aware of social protocols. I am fairly certain that it is how we perceive ourselves that causes us to shape ourselves to a reasonable conformity of our expectations. I slouch, not so much because I am tall, but because I am jaded. I make mock gestures of tipping my hat to strangers to let them know I have a sense of humour and a recognition of manners past, because I feel isolated. There are a myriad of tiny things I do which I do not recognise because I have not met myself and can’t see them. If I met myself coming down the street, I would see a man tipping an invisible hat and jauntily and happily moaning about his perception of the world. I would cross the road to avoid myself. The little story is about how awkward I would feel if I had to introduce my embarrassing invisible friend (me) to my other friends, as someone I love and respect. Strangely, this invisible friend is someone my friends and family have already met.

‘Old Martin, You make me want to be a better person.’


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