I find the Buddha’s teachings hard to live up to, but I keep trying. Sometimes I feel so angry and I can get hateful. I can get extremely agitated and stressed out.
I try to practise the teachings on right effort but there are days like today where I seem to completely fail. Willpower by itself isn't enough.
My moods change like the wind. I can wake up with completely different neurochemistry than when I went to sleep. The anger within can feel overwhelming at times.
I seem to be different to other people. I have a mood disorder and it feels very physical to me, it's not just something in the mind, it feels like a physical problem with the brain.
I am having a break from listening to or reading about Dhamma at the moment, as I just can’t live up to what the teachers are saying. I'm grateful for what I've learnt from them, but it’s starting to stress me out now, I try to follow their advice and I can’t seem to be able to, no matter how hard I try, I still get angry.
I won't give up though, I will persevere, I just wanted to write this in case it helps someone else out there who struggles like I do.
I'm not perfect, I'm a lousy Buddhist if I'm honest, but I keep trying.