Welcome in, welcome in...
And I felt a little sad one night, perhaps the last night, perhaps the night before - I do not know; the days seem to meld into twos, and one thing I think happened yesterday might be pointed out to me that it happened the day before... days meld in twos. That's why I blog, I think. I seem to have a bad memory for all the disconnected events that occur. And I felt a little sad one night because it suddenly occurred to my mind that my sister had missed me, ever since I committed suicide in the early 2000s, or ever since I was medicated with antipsychotics. "Corina misses her big brother," went the voice in my head, and I was all, -Oh, here we go, and I could anything but keep that voice from making me feel a little sad.
"Corina," I called out. "It's okay, I'm still here."
It's these little intuitions that get to me, that seem to appear out of nowhere, but remain stuck in my mind until something like action or some other thing causes closure. I can never behave in the way I think I should, when these concepts come into my mind. That's why I have been as violent in the past. That's why I do silly things. It's not my fault - if I had my way, I would see them off with a shrug and be happy in whatever shit I wallow. I feel like I follow a sort of unconscious impression, that is my true self, yet is that which I cannot really have access to - like my thoughts. I feel I don't really have true access to my thoughts, and I thank the antipsychotics - they truly empty your head. Although, nature can play a thorough part in accessing them: I wonder if my life is a completely natural phenomenon, and sometimes it feels very, very strange in the ways I operate in the course of my day. The good thing, is that working on my course can save me, and though I may be behind in life, its whole structure is an aid. I am a perfectly natural man. Every natural resonance which engages me can make things feel like I'm not really in existence. I explain.
When, yesterday, I was doing administration at my desk, I could see how ugly I am. In fact, nature is nothing but symmetry, and it is ever more obvious and clear. At once I wish to solve its very essence, and also have little to do with it. Nature sometimes feels so obviously symmetrical that it may even be machinery. This is how I am beginning to see it. Perhaps my own life, from a "subjective" point of view, perhaps it is nothing more than an application. Perhaps this way I see life would be better enhanced by an end to the lockdown quarantine, and more and more human contact. They say we need to limit human contact, or we'll increase the chances of a virus. Life certainly feels electrical to me at this time, and I'm part enjoying it, part wondering how to escape it.
Not a great deal happened today at all. I worked on my course, then at seven o'clock I walked over to the shop for things. There I asked Nathan if he believed in God. On a walk yesterday, I was only saved by the beauty of the trees; everything else was cold and man-made. And it can feel like hell when you see the unhappy individuals walking the roads in masks, and I feel a little sorry for them, and a little sad. Once I was at home I concluded that there is no God. It made me feel better, and I was able to look out on the streets at the few individuals and at my pleasure confirm their humanity, for they do not believe in God either, as must be the case, as it is, as it should be. And talking to Nathan, I was struck with the notion, that people are the purveyors of holy entities, and belief is all it takes. Perhaps the shop owner can see God, in the same way I began to see God in him, as he expressed his beliefs. And it occurred to me that people are the purveyors of their own holy machinations, for I was impressed with a little sense of divinity as he expressed his beliefs, and with such vociferous passion, and was overall impressed - yet my nose dribbled a little (I had to keep wiping at it with my sleeve).
I really do not know what to think sometimes. The media insist that coronavirus is a real virus and infectious, that it can be passed by contact. I do not wish to be obvious in my speculations, but I feel there is more to it than this. For when I left Nathan's shop, I began to cough in a new and strange way, that felt like a respiratory effect, and I wondered if the virus had entered my lungs. I think what I am trying to say is that, for me, there is difficulty in believing that we can catch the disease from the outside world. Perhaps that is the psychotic tendencies of my mind. But you know, when there is a cold going round, everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. What kind of a virus is this? It seems to choose the people who you don't know. It's never you! I cannot vocalise what the issue must be, but in any case, it will not do to scare people. But there is a nature to this virus, that is beyond science - cold science, that is. I know of the existence of a mental state which tells you you may have the illness, and it is psychological. I think my coughing was had something to do with my conversation in the convenience shop. I think you can catch coronavirus by psychological means. Why do they lump me in with conspiracy theorists? That's because what I say is obvious, and not to be said. I should shut my mouth, and say "Stay safe!" The underhanded reasons for the disease ending in death is a matter of our very thinking. I feel it, and sometimes I feel that were I not in the environment of person that is a fighter, I'd have been a goner a long time ago. Yet, perhaps coronavirus is everything and all we only think it to be? Perhaps we're all correct in what we think it is. Perhaps fear may have a little to do with it. For at bottom, whenever I feel afraid of COVID-19, I feel succumbed to its grasp. Fear is coronavirus. Perhaps that is what I should think.
But that doesn't mean we ought to laugh like fannies at the threat. We need to learn to be reverential and respectful to our feelings and thoughts, and those of others. We need to learn to be sensitive in consideration and tenderness to the virus. We need to learn to aggrandise in humanity and human compassion, and learn that we are afraid of something we need not be afraid of. For that is when the pandemic will pass. All that is left to learn is the way in which fearful people have gone in for the deal, and failed to find away out, and maybe therein lies the secret.
And now I think about it, I wonder at those people in masks, who look and seem full of fear, and also wear their masks with a modicum of antagonism and arrogance. When they hold their hand to their mouths as they pass me, I think how rude. Something inside me says, I don't think you're getting it. It feels like racism, or some other prejudice. Of course, I understand the recommendations, and respect them, but don't make into something personal. These western countries are overcome with social issues, and I look at New Zealand. It is said they have the best race relations in the world, and you know, they have had just about three deaths from COVID-19 overall. Amazing. What's their secret?
I don't know what to think, exactly, but perhaps we have to take this time to learn, not just to live with one another, but engage with the respect we acquiesce in by force (of nature or man, no matter), and just stop being afraid of each other.