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Saint Lucia

Boring day and the attitude of God.

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Hi, hello, all that. 

And blogging - my pain, my sorrow, my frustration and loneliness. If it is possible to get out of bed on the wrong side, even at four in the afternoon, then I have succeeded today. And what I noticed was the residual effects of the medication running through my system - something which a year ago would have been eased by a dose of weed. I am off the mary jane these days, and for a year, but boy do I miss it. I can't seem to engage with this empty feeling. 

Now, a year into lockdown, you could say it's taken it's toll. I am sooo lonely, and there's not much I can do about it. This empty feeling does not help. You wake up and you have to deal with this indescribable sensation coursing through your veins, like a negative replenishment, punishment. Like God has said Fuck You. That's what it feels like. 

I need something good to happen soon. I wouldn't mind if someone phoned me up to ask me how I am. It's strange how soon we are forgotten. 

But I must remember, I am not alone. It's a lot of people, and I have some things very good. 

I have finished and submitted my TMA06 assignment, and now there's TMA07 and TMA08 just to complete, and then the exam, and then it's four months until Level Three university physics undergraduate life begins. 

I actually think I'm a pretty strong person. A year in perpetual loneliness, solitude, and all the while I have not wallowed in my own pity. But it takes its toll. 

I could do with a smoke. And there is where I wish I was stronger. 

But the problem is, my brain changed. And not to go on too much of a schizophrenic psychosis tip, but my brain significantly changed. If I ever smoked weed or hash again, I would crumble. That would be the end. I would fail so badly. I would kill myself. 

There are negative aspects that I need to think about. There is the goodness of having an occupation that involves a modicum of credential attainment, that is, my student life. And I mind it not. And I know it's only a fleeting feeling, but I must not dwell on the feeling, and perhaps get down to writing, and study. 

The exam will go well, and I will pass with a reasonable mark. I will pass, and that is enough, and perhaps I will pass with a modicum better than the grade 4 pass I made with last year's physics course. I hope so. But it is not withstanding. 

I wish God did exist. I find myself in a position of frustration, that is, I am a deeply frustrated agnostic. The weed would bring God back, and the weed would bring back everything else... everything else which being a recovered schizophrenic prevents me from explaining. 

And yet, I have my physics. And I pine for quantum mechanics, and something into which to get my teeth. They say it is an abstruse and difficult course, but I know I can do it. For I can understand anything. 

Yet there are gaps in my learning. Yet not everything is about learning. 

I must write in my book. I feel like that's a release. I must type up the passages of my new book. 

I greatly anticipate the coming of the time when I am paid for my services as a television consultant for channel four. I am happy that Lee has been nominated for an Oscar, it's quite an accolade. And I very much hope that this accolade promotes our work on the script. I would very much like to see our work put into practice. 

And I am happy for Adam. He seems most excited about his movie. Although, I don't think it will be the hit he imagines for it. It will be funny, and I can only give the lad ideas, and would like to take a bigger part in the making of it. Adam? No complaints. What a privilege to have a good friend as he, to be able to talk for an hour every one or two days. He has a lot to say for himself. No complaints. 

Tamsin. No complaints. She has made a lasagne. I am to visit her apartment on Saturday to feast upon her creation, and I should feel happy about that. It will give me a chance to get out of the house. And I need exercise, yet I suffer laziness. I am so lazy, and I wonder why I am fat, and out of shape. 

Having said that, pizza is good for your self esteem. I just had a pizza and chips and icecream feast. It filled a hole. The hole in my life. 

I am a very dire person. I am very boring. I might go for a walk. 

 I'm bored now. 

I love you all. 

Daniel

Permalink 1 comment (latest comment by Gillian Burrell, Friday, 19 Mar 2021, 14:29)
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