Personal Blogs

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Today, I got talking with a new-found friend and one of the subjects was Rothesay and the Island of Bute. I have a nostalgia for this island that runs deep in my heart that takes me back to a childhood epiphany that is embedded in my memory,

I suppose it must have been the late summer of 1962, Telstar by the Tornadoes had been playing on the radio. I spent the summer days on the idyllic Island of Bute on Scotland’s west coast. We had a rural cabin. It had no running water or electricity. My job was to fill up the water containers from the communal well. Cows would cautiously approach and stare. The smaller calves would shuffle through for front-row viewing. I found their curiosity compelling.

At dusk, we would light paraffin lamps to illuminate the nights. My father would read children’s books borrowed from the library: Chinese Folk Tales, Heidi and 1001 Nights. We were all ears as we ate freshly made pancakes with homemade jam and washed down with small glasses of sweet stout. The lamp caused a sibilant sound as it burned up kerosene. It flickered and fostered sleepiness. It finally slumbered for the evening, and we would retire.

I lay there in my bed watching the stars cascading through the window; all of them. And I wondered if the Chinese farmer boys, or the Bedouin shepherd boys or the milk maids in the Swiss mountains were seeing and feeling the sense of awe that I felt in my heart as the universe entered in.

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Childhood memories like that visited me often and reminded me of my spiritual awareness from an early age, albeit in my own childish way.

I had an ache to know who created the stars, the moon, and the beautiful island that was so distant from my industrial town where idle men lingered on street corners like characters from a Lowry painting. Where post-war tenements blocked natural light. Where unkempt dogs savaged through bins for scraps. Where it always seemed, there was better places to be raised.

Years later I read the following verse from the Bible,

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars, which you have ordained.

what is man, that you think of him?

What is the son of man, that you care for him?

— Psalm 8:3, 4.

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The first time I felt the concept of Kâmtéa  was back when I was twelve years old. I spent the summer on The Island of Bute, we had a cabin on Bogany Farm. There were around sixty cabins, and families would visit on two-week vacations.

The year in question I met new friends whom we shared many hours with. We made a tree swing in the woods, and we would talk for hours on end. Bonds would form, but when you are twelve years old, such bonds are so easily broken when we are under the authority of our guardians.

You see, my friends would have to return home, and I would be left as lonely as an empty pocket with only the moon and stars for company.

The song, Cottonfields by Creedence Clearwater Revival played frequently on the radio that year and every time I hear it now, I still feel that sense of Kâmtéa welling up.

Kâmtéa in the Khmer language captures a deep emotional state, often associated with sadness, mourning, or the experience of loss.