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a funny thing has happened

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Tuesday, 5 Feb 2013, 00:53

Someone attempted to bully me recently [not here!!]. (I'm 53!) Perhaps they didn't see it as such, but that was what they did.

I've had a week or so to think about this and the emotions that are resurfacing as a result of this.

I was very badly bullied in my first two years of secondary school. For the next two years I was a bad choice for the bully but it still happened. My last two years; I was hunting bullies. I am someone who you should think very hard about having a, "go at" in any sense.

That sounds a bit gung-ho and agressive. That's down to me being badly bullied. I learned a behaviour, I don't like bullies and I know how to cause them worry. The basic trick is to not react in a way that they want.

A massively inappropriate reaction to a simple greeting, a simple, "cool" while being punched, a laugh in the wrong place. Don't ever let them settle, don't ever let them 'get' you, 'get' to them.

This was the stuff of my youth. I thought that it was gone and past and not needed anymore. Turns out the bullies are still here.

Again, I am being bullied.

I hate the fact that I have to dig out of my head behaviours that  I really thought that I would never need again. But there is a bit of me will enjoy using them again.

This above is all very cerebal. The main problem is that my anger is out of control because I feel bullied. I hate that. I hate that people can do this to me. I know that I'm mad and I hate that.

I can't think of a round-up, so I'm going to post as is

 

 

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neil

regret

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Wednesday, 30 Jan 2013, 23:55

Hopefully at some point of your life you'll fall in with a bunch of people who seem like they will be able to change the world for the better, for someone. It's always a group that changes the world for the better. It's all to easy for an individual to make it worse.

For me it was a certain primary school and a senior management team who were confident enough to allow me to use my off-normal-sequence skills to their best advantage.

Specifically I was to deal with the difficult kids in a way that they didn't expect adults to. Nothing was ever said of course.

We had one particular wee lost soul who caused us many problems. When he came to us the damage had been done but we tried. There was an unspoken agreement amongst us that however often we failed we would never abandon him. As long as the other kids were, and felt, safe. That was my job.

I knew that he was trouble the first time that I clocked him, the first time that I touched him was when I scooped him away from punching a wee girl, the look of horror and surprise on his face said it all, "nobody can stop me!". I let him punch me for a while and then just extended my arm, which he punched until he started crying.

School is about your friends rubbing the corners off your selfishness. This wasn't going to be the case in this case.

I spent a lot of my thoughts on this problem, starting after-school clubs so that he could interact with his peers in a different way. The clubs were a success (Warhammer, Chess, Pokemon, games right!)] they helped others but he always went mad and had to be exiled. All I ever had was a hold over him, a rather wobbly one, but I could make him behave. Which held him for other people too.

Then came regime change.

The day that the world changed was when he threw a plate at another kid, something that he knew was unacceptable. I was in the room at the time, I remember seeing his face as I started baring down on him; there wasn't fright on his face, he just knew that a trouble that he didn't like was coming.

An AHT ran into my face. She explained that, "We've decided on a different way of tackling this..."

He punched her in the face about a week later and was excluded. That was when I decided that I was no longer required.

Today I saw him riding on a bike along the canal and from the look upon his face I know that we failed him. That we would be I.

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neil

Chinese new year

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Saturday morning, Chinese school. We are coming up to New Year so there are dragon drums beating everywhere and I'm looking at a pile of envelopes that I know that I should deal with.

There are mornings of this world where you just feel like going away but then you remember other mornings that you would have hated to miss.

And I quite like dragon drums.

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neil

a dead mouse

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Friday, 25 Jan 2013, 19:30

My wife aggressively shook me awake this morning to announce that there was a dead mouse lying on the floor of our spare room.

This was not an, "eek I'm scared" moment, this was a corpse management situation.

Usually we deal with birds and have a system, you put the deceased under a pot and allow nature to take its course. Eventually you are left with something that you can steep in bio-machine-wash, which will strip it to the bones. Then all that's involved is a sieve and a wee bit of peeling.

Mammals are difficult, they have fur. [We've never done an actual human but we are agreed that we are more like birds than hairy mammals and the pot would need to be huge.]

We decided that the first thing we had to do was desiccate the beast, which would give us options. There was some discussion about skinning the poor wee thing but we were both a wee bit too squeamish to do that.

Yet.

If you want bones sometimes you are just going to have to put up with doing things that are a bit weird.

 

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neil

i might be ill?

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Can't be. I don't get ill—I get mad, in the sense of genuine mental disorder rather than upset about something. I don't get ill.

Don't get me wrong, I've taken more than my fair share of sickies, I don't do it any more but that's because it would be a personal-hassle rather than that I have a moral objection to doing so. My work always mounts up and only I can do it, so time off has to be balanced against returning to a greater mountain of workload.

This feels different, I don't want to be off. I've been working hard, physically and mentally, over the last few days but this amount of muscle ache? True, I'm getting older but I've been doing things that I do all the time. And I feel too hot.

I've got the flu haven't I? Crivvens.

Still, even although I can't really go off sick [people might discover my secrets] I can hope that by coming into work I might infect everyone else. The entire place will be closed if we achieved plague-like conditions!

There's something about that plan that worries me and suggests that I may be ill.

Or just mad, again.

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neil

sitting on the floor

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Trying to read some on-line documentation [for sourceForge], all the while nagged, in a back-of-brain sense, that I don't know how to mash mods properly, whilst compulsively squinting out of the window to see if the weather will require of me to get up for a pre-dawn snow-scrapping experience of black/white/salt horridness.

Hi-def, stereo, Jeremy Kyle is my harsh mad-shouting soundtrack for this. At last count I have five hundred episodes on disc. Some day I'm going to meet him and I'm going to be more him than he is.

 

That folks, is how you start a book wink

nellie

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neil

i've said this elsewhere...

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...in a comment on a comment to another post. I think that it bears repeating...[changed]

Steve Jobs said, "people don't know what they want until we give it to them". He was right. We need to hold that thought in our heads, for we are prone to obidging the loudest compainers, which we shouldn't.

If I hear the word, "stakeholder" in a meeting my mind says, "an opinionated shouter that we'd be wise to ignore if we want this thing to work".

Jobs got things wrong, he got things right, what he never did was to produce something designed by a committee that decided an outcome based on listening to those who shouted the loudest. Jobs produced lovely things that we didn't know that we needed. Everyone else listened to what their customers wanted, produced crap and then scrambled to build cheaper, crappier versions of what Apple had done. And they mostly failed.

They failed because they listened to their 'stakeholders'.

Feedback is important but much more important is filtering it. If you just do what the latest shouter wants you to do, are you really doing anything?

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neil

a bad thing happened...

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Wednesday, 16 Jan 2013, 21:16

But for once, it wasn't a total disaster, for me, depending on your hierarchy of bad things and point of view.

<segue />

Let me just state, for those peeps who are just starting their OU trek something about me, I moan and bitterly complain about my OU trek, but it has been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

So when I come across all negative don't look at it as anything else than that I'm a whiney arse.

Have fun folks, this is really the best place to be.

arb

nellie

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neil

a new year

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And a new computer course and some new kit to play with. I'm so happy!
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neil

skip, skop, stop

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Saturday, 12 Jan 2013, 22:18

Too many horrors to deal with? The answer is to catch up with your current course. It helps in so so many ways, I'm even thinking about talking my bank. ...em, perhaps not just yet neil....urggh

I've been deliberately not writing stuff here for the past week; my focus was focused on my maths and my work-work work.This was efficious, efficious in that I got about a quarter of the stuff that needed doing done.

So should I just stop writing crap at the fag end of a night when I am unsober? It's a balance.

I want, almost need, to project screeds of my rabid crap into the ether that is the www. I'd like to do other things too but they must always be secondary to my primary purpose—to inflict my descripton of my head upon you.

 

 

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neil

you all know

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Saturday, 5 Jan 2013, 21:20

That I was a dunce. You all know that I'm arrogant. You must have imagined that I could expose both these flaws at once. you were right. I was pretty happy that I could.

But, what about my other flaws? It'll take a smarter man than me to list all the things that I've done wrong. The ways that I've done wrong? Some diety?

n

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neil

5.001000000000578e+51

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That's how many presents you'd get if there was a septillion [short term] days of christmas.

Want to dipute this?

neo

 

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neil

noether, Emily

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Monday, 31 Dec 2012, 22:54

Last year was Turing's year, which was fine, dandy and right. The great and the good forgave the once-upon-a-time-accused. Their accusive-ancestors were not dick-darstercized, no pardons given, words were smoke, nothing was done. Game again straight, utterly no cost, no change.

We were shut out. So, what about a year where we can shut them out? Emily Noether one of the greatest of great-greats, let's make it her year. Fuck this idea that this is the year of the fuckative tumbler, inheritor-of-whatnot or whatnot, because we have the funding for such-a-thing, and we are the big people with access to the media.

I'm starting it, the meme, here. Emily was what we would like people to be. This time next year, let it not be some [grantedly wonderful] dancer or a dog that the children are tracking. Let it be someone possitively wonderful.

This year, let us take back the world from the wankers that seem to have given it too!

well it's almost new year, i'm very drunk. this is how i thnk.

Happy New Year!

arb

nellie

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neil

not living up to my own madness

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Saturday, 29 Dec 2012, 03:59

Mad re-jig of the stupid thing that I thought-thought I needed to build. Boy/Girl do I need a computing course, my mind is mush.

Borrked. I can no longer de-face [ie change] the most basic of important websites, I can't even hack into the most stupid of the governments' databases, I am not dangerous any more. For now.

Somewhere along this way of mine I got fucked by my own stupidity and ego.

I, nowadays, want to prove some crap rather than build some crap. What is wrong with me? Something serious I'm going to assume. For I always aspired to build crap from the first time I was given Lego. I don't seem to want that any more. So I am a different me.

Time to stop being him/her. I want to build my crap and I will. I have new tools, time to build the bad bad stuff again. It's not as if I've ever cared about my future in the past.

So, time to play. Time to hurt those who would hurt me.

Or rather to hurt those who would hurt others.

No. Time to be me, not what I think I might be.

 

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neil

braking or barking?

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I'm in that post-festive phase of trying to get my sleep-pattern back to base-normal [for work] and my manic alcohol consumption under control, by a reducing-my-ridiculousness-slowly policy. You know the one I mean; it's the one that you try with your debts—as long as you are borrowing less you are headed in the right direction. Hope before sense.

I've completed all, of the few, Yule-enforced social events that are necessary for me to prove that I'm not a complete whacko-hermit. Now I'm freed up to watch endless repeats of Doctor Who, Merlin and Once Upon a Time from the comfort-trap of my couch, dangling a glass in my hand. As ever this leads me to feeling useless uselessness and twatitude.

I can't seem to do any maths, so when I got up this afternoon, I decided that I'd do some Java stuff, after all, if I haven't completely ruined my credit with the OUSBA, I'll be taking a course that involves this soon. I'd create an Unlimited Register Machine in Java!

I decided on an agile strategy, for it suited my laziness. [To be fair to me, I have done some work on this before and I had done some pre-planning. This isn't quite as half-arsed as it reads.]

The first thing to be done was to work out how the commands would be implimented. At first I'd thought about individual classes but I soon saw that these would be better as static methods of a Command class. What would I pass to these, what would they return?

So I thought about about a State object, not quite generic but close. That would work! We can pass a State to a Static Command method and get a new State back so that the URM object could change its internal state, which wouldn't be a State but its state of course!

I'm still testing the beast but even if it needs tweaking it will work. Whether it will work when I've introduced it to other URMs I don't know.

What's annoying about all this is that my quick-and-dirty JavaScript is just better at what I've achieved today. If this doesn't get better I'd have been better watching another three Doctor Whos and having multiple more drinks.

Fortunately I'm pretty sure that I can make this better.

Drunk again.

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neil

what

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"Are we able to imagine everything or are we constrained by our experiences?", I asked.

Spending a lot of time in my own company was beginning to get on my thrupknees. I've alway known that I'm a boring idiot but I was coming to see that I was  a clear-foot under the low bar I'd imagined for myself.

I saw what I was getting at; well I saw where I was coming from, it was pure shash and it was a particular nonsense in this pure bright whiteness where we were. What we'd assumed was real wasn't, anymore.

I felt that I'd, a long time ago, given up this recursive naval gazing game; questioningwhat was the actual. It seemed that parts of me hadn't given this up.

And then the thought hit—you want to make sense of the senseless, so you make sense of the senseless. I began to see a diagonal argument...

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neil

it will end up like this

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Thursday, 27 Dec 2012, 21:03
mess
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neil

what

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Sunday, 23 Dec 2012, 01:02

This will never finish. It's lost in a lost/prisioner fashion; there's no way I can wrap this up into meaning

Still I'm not going to stop writing it, meaning is so overrated.

[wanna see what? Go to my blog and click on what in the tagcloud to the right]

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neil

what?

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Saturday, 22 Dec 2012, 21:13

"It was as if the daylight had changed with unnatural suddenness".

This was the most disturbing segue of all. I was sitting in the diggers reading the third policeman, I had half of a pint, a steak pie and a bottle of brown sauce on the table in front of me.

People were looking at me. What had I done?

I knew that I should be at work somewhere but I couldn't remember where. I couldn't even remember where I lived. I downed the half, what?, and ordered another pint. There was some paper in my pockets that seemed to work for this transaction.

People stopped looking at me, so I read my book. A policeman was whittling a something into a nothing, this must mean something?

"Do you want this?", a barwomen was hovering and pointing at the sordid remains of my steak pie.

"Nah, I'm off in a minute".

Her face seemed to get big, "oh, we can't leave here",

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neil

seasons greetings

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Friday, 21 Dec 2012, 21:10

 

I'd missed this, this being an interview with Taibbi about how he saw Hunter S Thompson, can't think why, it's not as if I've been doing any maths. It almost made me want to go out and buy fear and loathing in Las Vegas for the umpteenth time. [Most of his other books lie around somewhere in this pit-hole of paper, lentils and books. In dire necessity I could lay my hands on them.]

Let's leave the fact that I don't own a book that I have bought many times to the side for a wee while shall we? And let's give this a yuletide theme.

I was taken with his statement that Hunter's embelishments didn't change the essential truth of what he was saying. So lying entertainarly might be as true, or truer, than the slap-head truth. Is this true, or perhaps I mean right?

So I looked at something that I'd written about a Christmas eve that I suffered exactly thirty years ago Monday. I'd link but it's on here and you can't link to individual posts so here it is...

Amateurs, don't get in tow with them.

It was christmas eve, actually it was now christamas, and I could see that we had trouble.

I'd made sequential mistakes: the white suit, the Hawaiian shirt, the LSD, but my major mistake was allowing people with cars to maroon me in deepest Morecambe. Fifteen miles from home.

True, we were in a mansion, with Porches in the driveway and we were lolling around a pool. But the drivers were now well pissed and I couldn't help but think that mummy and daddy were going to arrive home soon. Soon with much to say to the nubile daughters of the family and the posse of guys who's tongues didn't fit in their mouths any more.

Worse, the stupid prick that I'd arrived with had lost his jacket and it was minus four outside. He was going to usurp my jacket.

I was right, about everything, there was a terrible scene. Even worse than I'd imagined. I rather liked their dad, if I meet him again I'll punch him straight-off, because that's the only way that I'll ever win.

But I ain't no amateur, the whisky kept me warm. A nice twenty-year old Glenmorangie travelled home with me. I even managed not to clock the-prick with the bottle when he put up resistance to giving me back my jacket when he got home.

To be fair his mum did most of the work. She offered me soup, I waved my bottle in her face. It was clear who she blamed for this.

I woke the next day to a regret that I've woken to since. So I learnt nothing.

The above is mostly true, except it was a lot more squalid and teenager than that. There was no pool, there was no Glenlivet, there were sports cars--of the wanna-be spots cars type, dad knew everybody except me. He was berating teenagers who he knew and who had been rowdy before.

I was the only outsider, and when dad called me out he heard my accent and saw my square eyes; you are going to have to make my blood flow in copious quantities if you want me to back down. [Why that's so is another post]

So he cut his loses and drove everyone but Ian and I home. We all behaved like a pigs that night, Ian and I were the only ones who suffered badly.

It was awful walking home, the acid was wearing off, it was freezing, Ian was gibbering nonsense. The entire reason that we'd gone there was that he'd assumed that he was on a promise, he moaned. I had no drugs.

Then we got to his house, where I had to explain a ravaged-rat-shivering nonsense of, what was essentially a wee boy, to his parents. I knew his parents quite well, madly they trusted me. i saw that light die in their eyes.

None of this was my fault, Ian had made me do it because I didn't want to go, but, he, Ian, fancied a girl.

See! The truth is slippery.

And in case you are wondering why I don't keep a copy of FALILV, it's because it drives me utterly bammy, dangerously so. I have a terrible urge to go do drugs and just go ape.

Words have weight.

But whatever Thomson, whatever Nietchce, whatever Beartrix Potter said. Why do you believe them

 

 

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neil

so

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Wednesday, 19 Dec 2012, 21:55
I'm me after all this studying, did I expect anything else? But boys don't cry.
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neil

mad

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in context
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neil

crap

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Tuesday, 11 Dec 2012, 21:06

 

Since I started a programming degree I've stopped writing programmes, mostly. Why? Because I can see the damage that I can do. This damage is done because I don't understand the entire domain. None of us understand an entire domain. It takes time and talk to even get close.

Let us take as an example the heating system in my school. The thing is flaky, it shuts off when we want heat, it starts-up when we are boiling our brains out. We've spent millions on this thing, why is this so rubbish?

It's rubbish because nobody grokks it, some history...

Twenty or so years ago it was decided that mere jannies couldn't be allowed to control heating; it was to done centrally. Twenty years ago such a thing had to done over a phone modem.

People forgot how a modem worked.

Five years ago we upgraded our phones Nobody noticed. We requesting changes, "modem is down, no budget".

Heating borked. Modem didn't know to dial 9 for an outside line

[Slight aside this was fixed last year, recently, due to planned channges, we have to dial 99 for an outside line...I wonder if it is broken again?]

Then along came the upgraders. Who put in a whole new heating system on the top floor. Without realizing that every tempreture sensor in the entire school was there. Why would the?, It wasn't documented in the big books of crap that they gave me, and ask you to sign for.

This is clearly my fault, I have a problem spelling.

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neil

light

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Edited by Neil Anderson, Monday, 10 Dec 2012, 23:45

Nothing, of the dark, hunts humans, unless opportunistically. We have fire, tools, parrots and dogs. At night we are well protected and artistically scared. Because we are basic feardies and lovers of the movies, we know what happens...

It is during the day where we must watch our backs. For only humans hunt humans. With knives and words. And light features in both.

So I was OK in the dark, it was when I began to see light that things got iffy.

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neil

dark

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It had been dark forever.
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