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Did you know people who 'knew their letters' were at one time consider to be dangerously clever?

They could could fascinate unschooled folk, and lead them astray, by employing dark knowledge of writing, and so these grammarians were called glamorous.

Be as that may*, here are some pre-release definitions from my upcoming book, Grammar Made Silly.

noun = occasionally, as in 'noun then'

adverb = a doing word, encouraging us to buy, as in 'save '

pronoun = singular of pronounce

conjunction = road intersection noted for the sale of genuine designer goods

* Subjunctive mood, let it be noted.

The judge said, "To serve five years".

"Is that a proper sentence?", I asked doubtfully. "It doesn't have a finite verb".

I said "Doctor, Doctor. I keep imagining I'm a kind of irregular garden paving". She said, "You're crazy".

I was expecting a helicopter to pick me up. But my chopper was axed.

There was a young lady from Belvoir,

Who said mispronouncing would grelvoir.

She explained, "In this word,

A large rodent is heard".

But she found no-one would belelvoir.

All the kids loved the day out. Except Russ.
He was forced to run along beside the bus.

All the kids loved the helicopter flight. Except Dwight.
When you're outside, you have to cling on tight.

All the kids loved the underwater adventure. Except Jeff.
He found it hard to hold his breath.

All the kids loved the zoo trip. Except Jack.
He ended up as a snack.

All the kids enjoyed the castle visit. Except Neil.
He didn't realize the guillotine was real.

Green leaves, green leaves, warm my heart.

Red leaves, red leaves, tear it apart.

Yellow leaves, yellow leaves, just like you.

White leaves, white leaves, and so adieu.

Of late Sherlock Holmes had brought several delicate investigations - some involving the noblest families of Europe - to satisfactory conclusions, that brought well-earned gratitude, and even a whisper of honours, although on this my lips must remain sealed.

However these exertions left my friend utterly exhausted. Concerned for his health, I proposed we take a short Continental holiday, and was gratified when he embraced my suggestion.

We determined we would travel to Russia, a country of which neither of us had any personal acquaintance. Messrs T. Cook arranged our passage and transportation, and secured for us accommodation in a charming dacha, as the Russians call holiday homes in the country.

Having ascertained in advance that our dacha had its own telegraph connection, I took with me a portable telegraph machine. Even though our time in the dacha was to be a period of relaxation for my friend, I realised instinctively that his restless intellect might demand to know the latest news from the heartbeat of that great capital city, London.

We quickly settled into our dacha. I spent the time agreeably, working on my memoirs of life as a military medical man, while Holmes put some final touches to his monograph on the identification of large dogs by their paw prints. We kept in touch intermittently with Mrs Hudson, who furnished us with choice news items, although Holmes often tutted at the lack of detail.

On third day I looked from my work and glancing out of the window beheld a large number of bears advancing towards our home. Strangely each covered its face with a paw, in what seemed a bashful manner. Yet their demeanour seemed hostile; even aggressive.

”What d'ye make of this Holmes?", I asked. My friend looked up and his keen intellect at once grasped the situation.

"Switch your electrical machine off immediately Watson", he cried, "Can't you see we are under shy bear attack?"

It's well known that

A. Buttered toast always falls buttered side down.

B. Cats always land on their feet.

An old joke asks what would happen if we strapped a slice of buttered toast on a cat's back, buttered side up, and dropped the pair. Would toast and cat spin frantically round their common axis as they descended?

This is farcical of course, but reminds me of a though-experiment by Galileo. In Galileo's time many believed that heavy objects fell faster than light ones. Very well, asked Galileo, what would happen if we connected a heavy objects and a light one with a piece of cord, and let them fall?

The Tao of Toast

Another old joke concerns a monk who dropped his buttered toast and it landed buttered side UP!!!

In a state of great perturbation he scurried off to see the Abbott.

"Father", he said, "I am an old man and have eaten much buttered toast in my time. My toast often falls from my weak old fingers and heretofore it has always landed with the buttered side down. Today it was buttered side up. Father, does this prodigy foretell the end of ages, the second coming, and the day of judgement?"

The Abbot answered, "My Son be calm and do not disturb yourself. The explanation is simple. You buttered the toast on the wrong side."

"Down with rum!", cried Tom in a fit of temper rants.

"I draw the line at coke", Tom snorted.

Your correspondent Wise Owl reporting from elections for the Parlement of Foules

Many perches are not counted yet but

The flight polls indicate

Eagles: losing grip

Geese: down

Tits: up

Whenever I try to recite the alphabet I find myself skipping straight from X to Z. I just don't know why.

All the kids loved the helicopter flight. Except Clyde.

He was clinging on outside.