I recently discovered the wonderful Guardian Crossword Blog and there I read this astonishing 1982 tour-de-force from the legendary Guardian crossword setter “Araucaria”. The clue was
O hark the herald angels sing the Boy’s descent which lifted up the world (anag), and in what circumstances (5,9,7,5,6,2,5,3,6,2,3,6)
The solution occupied 9 of the down lights (See 2, See 2 etc.) and may be the longest anagram ever to appear in a mainstream crossword puzzle. Hats off to Araucaria!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Sue Doyle and Niven Brawn.
Sue Doyle and Niven Brawn who?
Sue Doyle acquaintance be forgot and Niven Brawn to mind!
What do you call a cheese with nothing to interest it?
A cheese bored!
Read at a motorway service station
“—————- church hosts a carol service for owners and pets. Festive favourites include The Collie and the Ivy and Bark the Herald Angels sing.”
The Elves have come up with new Christmas novelty biscuit.
Using nanotechnology we will implant into each biscuit a tiny sound system. When you bite the biscuit, it will play the first few notes from one of the Christmas songs below.
1. Jingle bells.
2. Dreaming of a white Christmas.
3. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
4. Santa Claus is comin' to town.
We're calling this prototype the "Four-Tune Cookie".
Q. What kind of tea is the most cheerful?
A. Jollity!
Q. What would you do if a pudding cheated you?
A. Suet!
Cat 1: May I order mouse?
Cat 2: Of course. Would you like the mouse list?
Cat 1: No, I’ll just have the house mouse please
I went to the doctor, I said “I keep thinking l’m a shoelace.” She said “You’re too knotted up.”
My computer’s very slow. I put it on the desk and I can hardly see it moving.
Q. Why are chimney-sweeps so funny?
A. Because they tell grate jokes!
I’ve started a sanctuary for crows. It’s all in a good caws.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Sore ear.
Sore ear who?
Sore ear it is, Merry Christmas.
Everybody's having fun!
Q. Why did the shoes fall in love?
A. Because they were "sole" mates.
My new pacemaker came with a lifetime guarantee.
Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Uma Thurmam.
Uma Thurmam who?
Uma Thurmam day of Christmas my true love sent to me: Three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
My girlfriend stood me up. That was because I’d fallen down.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Inga Blink.
Inga Blink who?
Inga Blink midwinter!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Goddess.
Goddess who?
Goddess Ye Merry Gentlemen, let nothing you dismay!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Lars.
Lars who?
Lars Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Harvey.
Harvey who?
Harvey yourself a merry little Christmas!
This blog might contain posts that are only visible to logged-in users, or where only logged-in users can comment. If you have an account on the system, please log in for full access.
