February felt like the most meh kinda month I've ever had.
Getting into new routine, understanding the requirements and my abilities. Of course there were so many more things I wanted to do, but feel like "survived" is good enough outcome.
Ok, maybe I'm being overly dramatic, because I don't like when things take more out of me then I was expecting... Nevertheless the first essay was submitted on time and I'm taking it as my victory
Today I want to reflect on what I've learned from this experience.
First things first - academic writing.
I write diaries for as long as I remember myself. I can write a blog post or share a story, express my thoughts and feelings. An essay is something I never had experience with until now. School doesn't count because it wasn't for real even if it was part of it (which I don't remember).
When it came to the assignment I thought 1000 words - how will I contain myself, there is so much to say! and I did. Within one short evening my first attempt (which I considered to be the final too) was complete. Feeling proud about my 998 words I asked my partner to check it for me.
He has an academic background, knows a thing or two about essays, so I really wanted to hear his opinion, and even more so - impress him from the first attempt! haha
It was a long pause. Probably because he didn't know how to start this conversation.
Eventually, out of all what was written, he pointed out a half of a paragraph and said: "You could use that, the rest is just a blog post and has nothing to do with an essay."
Did I want to cry? No. After the first breathless moment curiosity took over and I started a debate on how are you supposed to protect your point of view, your argument without sharing your thoughts, feelings, etc. about it?!
Bless his heart God knows I'm so grateful for his patience!
In the midst of our debate he managed to give me a very helpful lesson that I want to save here, and will be glad if it helps you too, my dear reader. Here it is:
Argument supposed to stand without you. If it depends on having you (your thoughts, feelings) within it, it's not a good argument.
For me it felt so personal and soulless at the same time... I got it, but was refusing for a while. So resumed my work only the next day.
My brain didn't want to listen. It was getting distracted, didn't want to concentrate 😴 I couldn't get any thoughts together, and it all felt physically painful. I swear my brain was moving 😅
It took me the next three days to complete my work.
Re-reading the material, collecting evidence, re-thinking my own POV. I honestly was ready to change my argument almost every time I read something new on the matter. The doubt was unreal! At some point I was even going to ask for an extension, because felt like I can't wrap my head around this whole thing! But I didn't.
Don't know how (looking back this time feels very blurry), but eventually I realised that I'm done. I re-read it a few times and decided I was ready for another feedback session...
Not a single comment. Just a big smile on his face and a happy nod. That was all I needed and feeling of relief run through my body
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Over those three days I've developed so much respect to academic writing and some books I read in the past. All this referencing thing I used to consider as an 'unnecessary show off' started to represent a big, hard work, and respect of an author towards the knowledge he/she's acquired.
Sharing my thoughts and feelings, telling life stories in blog posts, and reflections in my diaries started to feel like a kinder garden, as if I've never written a thing before...
Perhaps even this blog post I should've written less dramatically but I'll leave things as they are for now.
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I still don't know the outcome (the grade), so maybe everything is not as good as I'm presenting it here haha, but I'm happy and grateful for this experience. Not necessarily looking forward to the next one just yet, but understand that muscle needs to be built and I'm actually looking forward to that. Just need to reorganise myself, and try not to have another "February" in the year
