I stare blankly at the mess in my room,
Stare empty at the sky outside,
At the failed paintings on my wall,
And at nothing in particular.
I stare forlornly at this computer screen.
Wishing I hadn't said what I said to you,
Wish I could turn back time and stop myself;
but alas I do not have that power, noone does.
So I live now with regret and an aching heart,
A sad unhappy mind,
And another lost friend.
I miss you.
Still cannot do this assignment, I just can't get my brain to engage with it. My short term memory feels all shot to Hell. I sat there staring at the questions and I just couldn't get my head round them. I used to be good at maths, but now I just can't seem to understand it anymore which is really frustrating.
I am however finding a tiny bit of solace writing on this blog. I am sorry if my posts of late have been a bit depressing. I am someone who believes in not covering up how I feel. The idea that we should all be heroically juggling balls and feeling happy all the time is nonsense. I know that despite all the smiley faces, happy families, success stories, congrats, and holiday snapshots on social media, that everyone else also has their dysfunctional tearful crazy moments. It is just they don't post those, because it is frowned down on in society, stigmatised, people don't like to remember that life isn't always sweet-smelling roses out there, that sometimes it's thorny as f#ck.
But those thorny moments should not be rejected. Those painful memories if reflected on and learnt from, and understood are like an oyster making a pearl of wisdom. Painful but perhaps become one's greatest treasure of all. As it is both the ups and downs that make us whole, that create the depth of our being, that make us wiser, make us shine brighter and cause us to grow.
The life in the ocean is dying. I've lived here since 2003, and when we first moved here, the local beach was full of life, teeming with it. There where hermit crabs, crabs of all different types and sizes, fish, sandeels, starfish, shrimps, coral, sea anenomes, shellfish and seabirds of all different kinds. Now when I walk along the beach, look in the rockpools and the water, there's hardly anything there. I am lucky if I see the occasional tiny crab, even the shellfish are disappearing at an alarming rate and there's no more hermit crabs or sandeels to be found anywhere. The seabirds are fewer, and many species have gone completely, even the herring gulls are growing fewer. What can be causing this worrying loss of life? I don't know. I am guessing it is a combination of the horrible destructive practise of dredging, salmon fish farms, pollution and over-fishing. It breaks my heart man.
How is one supposed to feel any joy in this world?
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