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One Liner
One Liner
Forged coins. I think they should be stamped out.
Triple furze
Whin I took my botany gorse I got a furze class degree.
One liner
Trousers of the world, turn out your pockets! You have nothing to lose but your change!
Rich food
I hate dining with Croesus.
You can't see food properly,
On gold plates.
Awfulbet
We all know "A for 'orses and Beef or mutton". Here are some more...
A for good one
B for dam
C for yourself
D for rent
E for heavy sigh
F for loving
G for 'orse
H for himself
I for the moon
...
That's all for tonight.
J for any further ideas?
Never Work with Wombats
Who tried to teach wombats to dance.
And his brother, named Jim
Tried to train them to swim.
A crazy idea with no chance.
The Starry Messenger
It was just like a tiny insect.
When I heard it buzz I cried
What an impertinence.
Don't I deserve better?
I was expecting a celestial being
With wings the colour and softness of clouds
Not those puny flexing things.
I was destined to be carried up
On wings stronger than the snow goose.
Mighty arms to swoop me up
Into the pigeon loft of song.
Reading my mind, the angel replied
Majesty is the creator's alone
Who has sent me as his agent
I can only do what is in my nature.
But rest assured
Creations smaller than me
Will have and hold you
Until you reach the stars once more.
Limerick
There was a young fellow called Lee
Who thought that his Gran was a flea.
When he said to her, "Jump!"
She just answered, "Harrump!"
A witty response, you'll agree.
In the End
If you're an old Viking,
Who can't afford a ship.
Don't worry.
We'll all be washed out to sea in the end.
From the AEF
inherited, n.
A soft toy passed down by forebears.
counsellor, n.
A blood bank, esp. in Transylvania.
I went to the Doctor
"Doctor", I said, "Tell me the worst." I waited.
"Vell" she began. Did I tell you she has a rather sexy German accent, a bit like Marlene Dietrich? Anyway, she does. Husky.
She went on, "It's never easy." It sounded bad but I tried to keep calm.
"You murst...", that's the way she talks, I'm not making it up.
"You murst cut down on sausages."
I went to the Doctor
I went to the doctor, I said "I keep dreaming I'm a world-famous cricketer." He said, "We'll have to run some tests."
Cheese Joke
What kind of cheese lands you in the guardhouse?
Advisin Emma
"Emma", I said. "Do try to be less self-centered."
"Em, Em, Em. It's always about Me."
Not made up
I went to the Doctor
I kept hearing this buzzing. I went to the Doctor, I said, "Is it tinnitus?" He said, "No, you've got hives."
I went to the Doctor
I went to the doctor, I said ”I keep thinking I'm the Moon." He said, "We all go through these phases."
Phew!
I was arrested for coffee theft. But the police didn't have sufficient grounds for a prosecution.
Latest words in the Awful English Fictionary
vagrant, n.
A confused complaint.
inversion, n.
A currently fashionable interpretation.
New Band
After a long break from music, I've founded a new band, The Cheese Shop Boys.
Look out for our debut single, You Were Always on My Rind.
Clerihew
Sir Francis Drake
Was eating some hake.
When he made up his minde
To sail round the world in the Golden Hinde.
For Springs
When all our springs need a good clean
Especially if they are rusty
Or just playing dirty, as they do.
And if they look wound up
They might need watching
In case they uncoil
From the intoxication of being oiled.
And we must take good care
They aren't forcibly compressed
As spring washers, who over and over
See Time clean and unclean her bloodied paws.
Dear Auntie
Dear Auntie,
As I grow older I feel increasingly anxious. Should I worry about this?
One Liner
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