Personal Blogs

This has been a tough month so far. My health seems to be getting steadily worse. I had to drop out of studying as I was unable to complete my assignments due to cognitive impairment. The Open University have granted me a study break and given me till 2033 to complete the degree. They also said I have earnt enough credits for a higher diploma if I find I can’t finish the degree — which I can claim any time.

I have been finding the energy for painting has decreased somewhat, I can only seem to manage a few hours before I have to lay down and rest. I still enjoy painting, but not so much the fatigue afterwards. The fatigue is particularly harsh. I am not complaining. I try to practise mindfulness of feelings. Whatever sensations and thoughts arise, whether they be pleasant, painful, or neutral, I try not to be disturbed by them. I watch them rise and fall and let go of the stories I tell myself about them. This works, just seeing them is enough for the mind to let go of them — when I remember. That’s the difficult part, remembering.

Mindfulness means to keep something in mind, to remember. When I remember the Dhamma, I am no longer ignorant, but when I forget the Dhamma, the ignorance returns.

I have been experiencing a lot of doubt this month about my artistic ability. Perhaps I have been listening too much to the opinions of others. Abstract artists often get given a hard time on social media. We are often not seen as proper artists. But I love creating abstract art. I have painted landscapes and portraits in the past, but they seemed to lack something. When I look at portraits and landscapes done by other artists, I see the difference. You can feel the artist’s energy in them, which seems to be missing from mine. I have come to the conclusion it is because I don’t enjoy painting landscapes and portraits and so the energy isn’t there in the finished piece. I think it is a lot to do with enjoyment, those who enjoy painting landscapes and portraits you can feel it in their finished pieces. That’s why I think people should paint the way they want to paint, not in the way others think they should paint. Once we find our own style we won’t want to paint in any other style.

I remember watching an interview with a famous portrait/figurative artist, I can’t remember his name, but he said he didn’t like painting landscapes, he could paint them well enough, but the fire wasn’t there. He preferred figurative/portrait art as that’s what he enjoyed doing best. You could see the difference as well, his figurative art had something that his landscapes lacked. I think that is how it is with me, I just loving doing abstract art, that’s where my fire is, that’s what I enjoy doing. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s where the inner muse is for me.

This doesn’t mean I only enjoy looking at abstract paintings. On the contrary, I enjoy looking at landscapes, portraits, and still life as well, at least the good paintings, the ones that you can feel the energy of the artist in, the one’s with character, the paintings that have something of the artist in them. That’s the difference between a draftsman and an artist. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a draftsman, great job if you can get it, and I admire the technical skill involved. AI (artificial intelligence) is now like a draftsman, it can perfectly replicate just about anything you ask it to, including abstract art. Yet in spite of this, something created by a human has an energy that is hard to put into words. An internal energy that a machine lacks — an artist is not an automaton.

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

(Proteins)

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm