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[ 3 Minute read ]
Danger Squirrels
Hah! I am so glad I that invented sober enthusiasm. I used to hate the wind. You know, that prevailing wind we get from the west. I used to have to cycle against that wind to work each early weekday. I got a job downwind after a while. Much better. I was a paint sprayer. Sober in the morning and dizzy on the way home from the fumes. I never noticed the cruel wind. The wind and I were cosy friends, just cuddling together in a warm fug. I started on my route to gaining a Masters in invention and set myself on the path for a PhD in avoiding effort; or at least not recognising it. I got dizzily fit cycling against that wind for years.
One day, I was walking past an industrial estate and saw a man with his head down struggling against the wind on his bicycle. He passed me really slowly. If I ran I could have easily overtaken him. It was 12:34. I supposed he was late coming back from his lunch-break. I sympathised with him, and made a pact with myself never to do that. I used to rush back to work and use more energy arriving than when I actually worked.
After that job I started remembering how the wind hated me, so I bought a boat; a 17ft sailing boat 7.9 metres. Ha hah! Blow wind blow! It makes my boat go faster! Except it didn't; not after it had reached its hull speed of four and a half knots or five miles per hour. The tidal current off the Kent and Essex coast (South East England) can be faster than that. My boat was moored there. I saw a sports catamaran fly across the water in a light wind easily faster than the tide. I sold my boat and bought a bigger one, 26ft, that had a hull speed of six and a half knots or seven and a half miles per hour. That was when I actually learnt what hull speed was. I can't sail a boat single-handed that is bigger than that so I sold it. But for a while I would notice a windy day and be pleased. 'Good Sailing day!'
So, back to being tossed around by an unruly and boisterous wind for no reason. Such a waste of energy. Para-sailing should have been the next evolution. But no, my skateboarding skills were never going to be good enough to convince me to get wet while I do it tied to a kite. Should have at least practiced though; faster than that catamaran.
No, I have put on a little weight following my food-diet experiment a few weeks ago. Eating pies, butter, meat, and additives in ultra-processed food to see if my creativity changed. My sober enthusiasm granted me an idea. Lots of acorns were blown off an oak tree in my village. I have squirrels that dig up my garlic to bury walnuts in my garden. I gathered half a bucket of acorns and put them in my garden. Now the squirrels will get fat and make me feel better about myself. Job done. I won't need to exercise until Spring.
I might store some acorns for when the ground is frozen mid-winter, and leave them out then.
There is a tom-cat that bosses my neighbour Sally's cat. Sally has to take her cat to the vet sometimes. Perhaps the beefier squirrels will punch the bully cat, if I tip a bucket of acorns over the fence into her garden. They might be territorial. I am sure Sally will understand my sober enthusiasm! Maybe, I should throw an empty Amazon box with a corner chewed off and addressed to 'The Squirrels', over the fence too. 'It wasn't me, Sally!'