Personal Blogs

I've had an awesome weekend.  An old friend of mine came back from Cornwall to catch up with her old house mate in Bristol.  I used to work with them both, plus another guy who I used to work with.  So I trained it over to Bristol and met them for afternoon drinks.  I had forgotten the laid back ways of these people, and by 8 o'clock it was decided that I would stay the night.  No toothbrush and no hairbrush and no bed.  Cushions and chewing gum.  Usually, an impromptu suggestion like that would be turned down by me, but even after not having seen these friends for several years, they made me feel entirely relaxed.  We went to some really cool pubs.  Their housemate who I haven't met before cooked some amazing vegan food... my Cornish friend is allergic to nearly all food sources: gluten, dairy, wheat...  I sometimes find it a wonder that she's a functioning human.  I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything with this particular meal though, it was inspired.  We ended up staying up chatting and listening to music 'til about six in the morning.  It was wonderful.  I guess that's part of the student life I've always been too scared to live.  Much as it was wonderful, I was relieved to be back home and back to my little ritualistic routines that make me feel at peace.

Yesterday I decided that Friday night was the perfect way to say a temporary farewell to drinking, and so last night I just drank water.  I have woken up this morning with a clear head, and I feel great.  And proud.  It may only be one night, but I had got stuck in a rut with it, and I feel the wheels are back in motion.

Hopefully I've pulled myself together in time to play some major catch up with S3.  I'm going to print off the TMA today and read it.  I haven't read any of the text books yet, but I can still at least get an idea of what they are after, I hope.  I have 3 blocks to read in as many weeks.  Actually, I'm not ready to think of the sheer scale of work that's ahead.  That will not serve to keep me on the straight and narrow!  One step at a time.  For now, it's just printing the TMA!

I e-mailed my first game off to a few mates.  It's become quite a hit, which is cool.  And all it consists of is randomly floating poorly drawn happy and sad faces that score + and - points respectively.  Wait until I learn how to make mazes!  Ha ha.

Ok, time to bravely check this next assignment...

I have had some wine.  So take from this what you like.

I have just watched half of question time.  My boyfriend is obsessed with news and politics.  I, on the other  hand have no interest whatsoever, usually.  There was the vote today.  Now I have to be honest, I know a little about it, but not enough.  The reason I didn't vote today was because I didn't fully understand what it was about.  I did a little research and was under the impression I wanted to vote 'Yes'.  But my friends talked me out of it by questioning me further... and I had nothing.  The truth is, and I know it's not true (as such), but I want to live my life as I want to live it.  This means that things that I find boring (neurons aside for S3) I don't have to waste my time on.  Politics is tricky.  I watch loose women.  Ha ha, yup, sorry.  There is a reason for it... prior to watching it I knew nothing of world affairs.  I hated them.  But I get a  glimpse of what's going on without being overwhelmed and I'm sorry but I'm not ashamed.  My friends think it's ideal for me.  If something they mention  grabs my interest I can research, if not, well fuck it!

So clearly me and my 'beloved' are entirely different in our approaches to politics.  Today, I felt ashmed, as JSP said (on loose women!) that everyone should be forced to vote.  But I haven't.  Tut tut.

So here is my reasoning.  Every week I buy a vegbox.  I know, that in buying it, I'll have pesticide free fruit and veg for that week.  Every week I order cat food online.  In doing so, I know that the addictive nature of felix and whiskas won't grip my cat.  Bla bla, could go on but there's no point.

Question time annoyed me.  The news annoys me.  I'm not stupid.  My IQ in technological terms is crazy.  But despite that, I just don't get people.  A man has, in theory, been murdered.  Now I don't care what he did.  He is an individual and should be tried as such.  Murder is murder.  A friend of mine was in a childrens' care home for many years, from birth to thirteen.  He, and his friends suffered horrific abuse.  A group of them, in their forties, decided to take revenge, and one by one 'got rid' of the abusers.  I can't tell the full story of my friend here, because I don't understand OU rules.  But, take that as a murder, I felt no kinship.

World leaders on the other hand.  Yes, if you kill someone I have no interest in you.  But, all world leaders do it.  I very much doubt that more deaths have been caused at the hands of terrorists, than at the hands of normal government leaders.   I really don't care for opinion in this one matter (though by all means give it), but murder is murder.  I have struggled for many years to deal with army psyche in general, but this is something else.  I genuinely do not understand why it is ok to kill in war but not in life.  If I killed someone who had done me a terrible misjustice I'd go to prison; if someone in a war does the same to someone who has done nothing wrong other than to 'serve their country' they don't.

None of it is right, and until we reach a point where law means law, independent of your 'talents' then we're going  nowhere fast.

If our leader was killed by the forces of another country I think we'd have something to say about it.  And that IS scary.

I started doing a body combat class with a few friends.  It's not too busy, and not too complicated for the most part.  I've been twice.  My friend just sent me a message to check I'm still going tonight.  And I don't want to!  But I had promised myself that I wouldn't chicken out of this one.  The reason?  Well at the end of the class they make everyone jog round the room in a circle and high five the trainer.  I can't stand it.  It's ridiculous I know, but that bit at the end is all I can think of.  Maybe I should do one more week and see if it seems less awful...

Been very good today, studying hard.  Still finding it pretty boring but hopefully I'll be out of the neuron section by the end of the week.

I've agreed to run the Bristol half marathon in September as well.  I think that will be good.  Once we've started running anyway.  I'm not keen on the idea of waiting in a huge crowd.  I can comfortably run 10 miles, so 13 shouldn't be a problem, though I am usually knackered after the 10 miles.  We'll see.  It's another thing that I think I should try.  I annoy myself by not doing things like that just because I don't want to be around lots of strangers.  When I make the decision to say 'no' I feel a huge sense of relief, but then when everyone else has done whatever it may be, I feel regretful.

So I guess that answers my question about tonight.  I should go.  And try not to think about high fiving.

I don't know what it is about this S3 course.  I can't motivate myself with it at all.  I think it was the neurons that did it.  They always put me in a negative frame of mind.  I need to get a move on though!  Time is disappearing fast.  I'm blocks behind now.

Had some good news today though.  A very much ex-friend got their comeuppance.  It took longer than I would have expected were all things in life fair and equal, but knowing that not to be the case, I'm pleased with the outcome.  I should probably feel a twinge of guilt for smiling about the downfall of another, but I haven't.  I'm hoping the act committed against me evens it out and now we're all square!  Everyone told me this day would come, and I never believed them!

I guess I'm just going to have to go for it, and open the textbook...

That's always been my problem!  Listen, stop listening, start listening again, and make my decision to act based on what I think is the most likely thing that was said in the middle.  I just can't stay focused for any length of time.  And in my defence, I don't usually miss much.

Had a bit of a surprise on the web design module though.  I was under the impression that aside from the forums and things like this blog where I specifically choose 'visible', that people couldn't see what I was doing.  Turns out they can!  So there I was arsing about in the 'design studio' and discovered the tutor could see everything I'd done.  Then today I was rummaging around in there again (but not doing anything!) and found everyone else's web pages, which I guess means everyone can see everything, which means no place available for arsing around?  It seems a shame, as that is a particularly enjoyable pastime of mine.

When this realisation first hit me yesterday I had that horrible moment of sickness and panic as I tried to recall what exactly I had been doing in there.  Going back and checking there was a little bit of euphoria as I discovered nothing offensive or entirely idiotic.  What a relief.  It does mean that I need to make a very conscious effort not to do any of my designs unless I'm sober, which is unfortunate, given my propensity to do exactly the opposite.  It's exhausting being an adult.  Or trying to be one.  And, if I'm honest, a little boring.

Going out tonight so I'd best leave the laptop under the bed or something.

I've been called a perfectionist all through my life and told to try to loosen up a bit.  I didn't know there was an ism about it though.

Roughly every fortnight I get 'telephone support' and a few days later things start to arrive in the post that I am to read and consider and reflect on and report back on in the next 'session'.  Yesterday I was sent a 7-page print-out titled 'Perfectionism'.  Normally I have to force myself to read these things as they are invariably written for an alien race.  A race with no personal insight, common sense or intellect.  Scanning the first page of this one however, my brain computed 6 percentage signs, one of which followed the number 100.  Aaah, 100%.  My attention was gained, and so I proceeded to read the whole thing.

Very interesting.

Firstly, it described the Pareto Principle.  This is something I hadn't heard of.  In terms of perfectionism, it means that 20% of my efforts deliver 80% of my results, leaving 80% of my efforts to deliver the final 20%. 

The parallel I am about to draw has actually scared me a little. 

Blog quote 1 titled '100%':

of 5% of 100%.

That is to say that I have written what I consider to be a perfect answer to a 5 mark question, when I only have 2 days left to do the other 95 marks, of which I have completed 0%.

Idiot.

BUT... I have at least started.  Thumbs up?

Blog quote 2, aptly titled '20% of 100% and 100% of nothing':

Progress?  Guess so.

20% properly completed.  Nothing more to do there. 

But the remaining 80% is sort of the whole assignment, in a way.  It's the big question.

So what am I to make of that?!  It seems I discovered this principle all by myself!  It took me around 4 days to do that first 20%, all the time knowing that I could achieve the remaining 80% by pulling an all-nighter.  Using time to represent effort it again almost exactly equates, spending about 40 hours answering my perfect 20% and about 10 hours completing the remaining 80%.

What this means?  Well, the result can feasibly be 100%.  There are 50 hours available; the effort. 1% of effort is therefore half an hour.  For the first 80 marks, each mark represents 7.5 minutes of my time, or 0.25% of my effort.  For the final 20 marks, each mark represents 120 minutes of my time, or a huge 4% of my effort.  So each of the marks I need to get a distinction are 16 times more difficult to achieve than the marks I need to get a pass, or even a merit.  I genuinely find that very interesting, particularly as I had already highlighted this as a trait of mine.  The fact that in this particular case the numbers work so well only adds to my interest.  120 minutes compared to 7.5 is phenomenal.  And ridiculous.  And true.

Anyway, I went on to read the rest to discover it was basically a very disparaging account of the life of the perfectionist.  Not as I had imagined, that they are prone to great success and high achievement, but rather that they are fearful, self-deprecating beings that deny themselves positive feelings and are prone to failure.  Lovely. 

I am in the process of being cognitively rewired at the moment.  Or at least they are trying to.  So it will be interesting to see if by the time I start my studies next year I have a different approach and am happy to spend those 2400 minutes in more pleasurable antics.   Could end up costing me a fortune in pub money though.  I'll have to get a few hobbies or something.  Designing games maybe.  I hear laughter.  It's mine I think.

I think I might have done something really silly.  Me?  No, surely not.

Whereas in the past I used to get strange packages arriving in the post after inebriated internet access, now it appears that I get OU openings courses.  Of course, it is no longer a shock that I am taking the courses; they have been on my student homepage for some months now.  I have long had a rule that actions made when drunk must have consequences, and those consequences must be dealt with.  Sometimes it's an apology; sometimes it's navigating my way around a studio flat when a 10-man beanbag occupies the entire living space; sometimes it's doing a 10-week course, the choice of which curiously lacks any form of reason or insight.  Apparently.  This rule is not there to be broken. 

The difficulty comes when the reality of the situation really makes its presence known.  The day the apology is not accepted; the day the first mate sees the beanbag; the day the forums open.

Shit. 

Openings it may be, but nonetheless, I am entirely out of my depth.  Give me third year in maths or science and all is fine.  Give me an openings in computer games and watch me slowly sink into a state of panic.  I have no idea what anyone is talking about. 

More tit, than git, some might say...

Progress?  Guess so.

20% properly completed.  Nothing more to do there. 

But the remaining 80% is sort of the whole assignment, in a way.  It's the big question.

The 100% of nothing is the appendix.  That's done.

I'm not sure how well I'm doing here, but I get the feeling I could be doing better.  Perhaps if I'd finished the S3 assignment by 31st March and started this one on 1st April as planned, I'd be doing better.  Stupid to make such ridiculously sensible and well thought-out plans and put them in writing.  Typing.  It only serves to remind me how unnecessarily difficult I make life at times. 

I still haven't been to the pub.  I'm not happy about all this sunny pub time I've spent indoors.  Not to be morbid, but if I was to die tomorrow after handing this in, and was able to come back and see myself now, I'd be mortified at having spent my last few days missing out on all the fun.  On the other hand if I live for another 20 years and this course results in me starting my little business then I will gain significantly more days in the pub overall by having a better income.  So really, it's not about the stress, or the work, or the pub, or any of the stuff I'm worrying and grumbling about.  It's a question of how long I've got as compared to how hard I work. 

Whatever, I bet it's raining on Saturday. 

As a rule I prefer the rain, but I'm conscious that I haven't had any vitamin D doses of late.  I took a cod liver oil tablet earlier.  The bricks and mortar uni student sits in the sun and absorbs the vitamin D from the sun.  The OU student sits infront of the laptop and swallows cod liver oil tablets.  And even so, I still would choose the OU.  Going to have a little break and then get the other 80% a little structured.  Then a break, then all through the night until I'm happy.  Then I'll remember the references.....

Specific Measurable Achievable Resource-related Timed

What a mental struggle this has become for me!

I have written so many care plans over the past 10 years, and worked with all those psych teams to set SMART targets for service users, that putting this into a business context is tricky for me.  SMART targets are a bit of a joke in care.  It's very hard to get the support staff motivated to ensure the service users gain something from them.  They usually sound ordinary, boring, pointless....

'XYZ is to make his own breakfast every morning.  This is to be documented in his daily records.  His motor skills demonstrate he has the ability to carry out this task with support..... and so on'

Resource related was worded as realistic, but otherwise it's the same premise.

To apply this to a set of financial records is bizarre to me.  In fact, when I took my B680 exam, one of the questions was about SMART objectives.  I had no recollection of having read about them in any of the text books.  Assuming I got marks for that question, it was only my time in the care industry that got them.  I made something up that fitted with the words, all the time thinking 'this can't be for real'??!!

Alas, I have no choice.  It appears to be an integral part of the report.  Irritatingly.  It takes my head back to a place I was happy to have left.

Working hard today though!  Of course I am; I've only got one day left.  Probably nearing 10% complete now.  Hardly inspiring progress, but progress nonetheless.

This was sent to me this morning, and I was unusually impressed by it.  The real journey to the centre of the world...

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/02/nyiragongo_crater_journey_to_t.html?s_campaign=8315

Hadn't thought of this in a long time.  It's what comes of reading other people's blogs and not wanting to write an assignment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-Efjweb5ug&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM-_PDePydo&NR=1&feature=fvwp

I spent many a happy school day daydreaming that I lived in Merrytwit.  Remembering that has made me very happy.  Watching it again, I'd still like to live there.

Hmm.  Understatement.  Couldn't sleep after my all-nighter; was wired.  And the phone kept ringing.  The phone never normally rings, but every time I was nearly drifting off it rang.  I managed to get just over an hour in the afternoon, then gave up when I was woken again by the phone, and went to the pub.  Celebration + exhaustion = losing Thursday.

So now it's Friday.  The first day of seven I have left to get the ECA in for B3.  Seven days seems like a long time, but it never is in reality. 

My sleeping pattern's all shot.  I was wired again last night.  I ended up discovering a bottle of Icelandic Schnapps (a vile but generous gift several years ago from an Icelandic friend).  After the few shots we had when we first got it, it has remained untouched.  The only other item in the house that has an alcohol content that has survived such a length of time is the sherry vinegar.  This gives an idea I think of how foul the drink actually is.

The blurb on the back reads more entertainingly than your average drink: 'BRENNIVÍN is made from a purely Icelandic recipe and was first put on the market in 1935 when prohibition was lifted.  The black label was chosen because it was considered necessary to have the label unattractive to limit demand for the drink.  This plan failed and the black label together with the excessive consumption resulted in a new name.  BRENNIVÍN is best enjoyed neat, straight from the freezer, for example as a chaser with beer'.

I struggle to see how it could be enjoyed in this way.  Utilised I guess, but not enjoyed.  I managed to make it drinkable by having it in hot chocolate.  As a result I was up until 4am this morning, blasting music (through headphones; I am considerate at times) and feeling invincible to the stress of the ECA.  Today on the other hand I am bitterly aware that the loss of a day will serve my ECA no benefit.  Nor will the fact that today I feel exhausted again.  I woke again at 8am.  And that's the most sleep I've had since Monday night.  I will never understand why I am unable to sleep when I am exhausted. 

I had a few thoughts about things I'd like to discuss on here during the night, but they have all disappeared now.  So I'll just go.