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Just a thought, but with the thousands of positive tests around the country, and most people having no or very mild symptoms, there is hardly much need for a vaccine now, is there?

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Another Dose of the Clap

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Edited by Aideen Devine, Sunday, 11 Oct 2020, 09:32

Why, thank you, thank you for that wonderful round of applause for all us hard-working NHS workers, you’re much too kind, no really you are, we don’t really deserve it, after all, we’re just doing our job, but thank you, again!

3 weeks now and doesn’t it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and evoke that old Dunkirk spirit, yes because we are a nation, we’re all pulling together to ‘Save the NHS’ and ‘Save Lives’. Because we’re all in this together and, ‘We have to do it, to get through it!’

And all the children with their pretty rainbow pictures up in windows because you can’t leave the children out, you gotta get them programmed early too, sorry, I mean you’ve got to include them too. Yes we must always be inclusive, include them while they’re young! Altogether now - ‘Children! Children! Future! Future! Children are the future - KIDS!’

And who’s leading the clap this week but none other than Boris Johnson’s pregnant girlfriend Carrie Symonds – aawww! Because you just know she’ll be delivering her baby in an NHS hospital and, by the way, does anyone know what hospital Boris is being treated in, could it possibly be a private one? But still wasn’t it good of her…aawww!.

There are just so many who care, I mean, we already had Prince Charles, who never put foot in an NHS hospital for anything other than to pull the curtain back on a plaque with his name on it. And the Beckham’s too, who live in the US and again, haven’t seen the inside of an NHS hospital for decades.  After all, the NHS isn’t for the likes of them, oh no, it’s just for us plebs but isn’t it great to see they are so concerned about us and caring or could it be that maybe they are just concerned about something else? Like maybe, if they don’t keep everyone indoors the NHS will be overwhelmed and people will see how much it has been starved of funding for the last 20 years. I mean when I drive in every morning, the signs from the recent strikes are still hanging outside ‘Safe Staffing, Save Lives’. Short memories, eh? So, maybe their motivation is not really to save lives but to save their own jobs, their own necks and their own privileged lifestyles? After all, you don’t want the plebs rising up in a revolution and demanding fair treatment or decent services for their taxes so let’s keep trotting out the feel good propaganda and shovelling the shit down the throats of the little people.

So, well done, everyone, it’s so good to see everyone turning out to support the NHS, but wasn’t there just a small part of you that felt like one of those sea lions, you used to see on variety shows years ago, who sat up on their little plinths and clapped to order?

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This is the first of my sketches that appeared in the show on Wednesday. It's about treating physical health as mental health.  It went down really well and got a lot of positive feedback from the audience.

Reception of an A&E.  Two people come in, one of them has a broken leg. There is a receptionist at a desk.

Person A              Please, can you help?  I think my friend has broken his leg.

Person B              (groaning in pain)

Receptionist       Ok, (exasperated) let’s see if I can get you an appointment.

Person A              An appointment, what are you talking about?  Didn’t you hear me, I think he’s broken his leg and needs to see a doctor now.

Receptionist       Right, I can get you in on the 29th.

Person A              The 29th? But that’s 2 weeks away.

Receptionist       I’m sorry but that’s the earliest appointment I have. 

Person A              An appointment?  He needs a doctor now.

Receptionist       Well, I’m afraid you can’t.  All health problems require you to make an appointment so that you can be referred for treatment.

Person A              What do you mean, referred?  You mean the doctor isn’t going to fix his leg?

Receptionist       No, he’s not qualified, he will have to refer him to a specialist.

Person A              Are you kidding me?  His leg is broken.  Look!  He can’t walk on it.  He needs to see a doctor now.

Receptionist       I’m sorry but that isn’t possible, it’s the new rules. 

Person A              What new rules?

Receptionist       Health care has been equalised.

Person A              What do you mean equalised?

Receptionist       From now on all physical and mental health problems are to be treated equally.  There’s to be no difference between them.

Person A              What?  This doesn’t make sense. I mean, this is A & E.  He had an accident and this is an emergency.  Why does he have to wait two weeks now?

Receptionist       Well, you still can be seen in an emergency.  I mean if he had broken both legs and arms, then you would be deemed to be completely incapacitated.  So he might get seen then. 

Person A              What?  This is insane!  What the hell is he supposed to do until then. 

Receptionist       Well, make sure he doesn’t miss his appointment.  They don’t like it when that happens.

Person A              I mean, about his leg?

Receptionist       Well, he should probably sit down more and try not to put any weight on it.

Person A              Is this a joke?

Receptionist       I’m sorry but that’s the way it is.

Person A              I don’t fecking believe this, are you serious?  I mean, a broken leg! Can you understand what that means?  He won’t be able to work or anything

Receptionist       Oh, work?  Oh, I can assess him for that. I went through the training program last Wednesday afternoon.  (gets up and walks over to person B)  Can you raise your hands up over your head?

Person B raises his hands.

Receptionist       Can you stand up?

Person B stands up (leaning on one leg)  Can you move a bit? (hops along for a couple of steps)  Ok, you can sit down now.  (to person A) See, he can still work.

Person A              How can he work with a broken leg?

Receptionist       Well, what does he do?

Person A              He’s a painter.

Receptionist       Well, there you go, he can still paint, he’d be able to do it sitting and he can stand for a bit too.

Person A              Jesus, I don’t believe this.  And how do you assess someone who’s ill with something like depression?

Receptionist       Well, the same way.  If you can move you can work, that’s the policy.  So now, does he want the appointment or not?

Person A              Good God, what a set up....do you want the appointment?  (to person B)

Person B              Yes!  YES!  For God’s sake, YES! (groaning in pain)

Another person comes in holding his chest.

Person C              Help, I’m having terrible chest pains! 

Receptionist       Look, I told you last week, your appointment’s on Friday.

Person C              Man lets out a loud groan and collapses in to the seat next to Person B,. 

Person A              I don’t believe that just happened? (incredulous)

Receptionist       (Lifts the phone)  We have another one, can you come and well, you know........

In the background person B is poking and looking at the collapsed man. Two people come in and drag him off

Receptionist       Well, that was a bit of luck.

Person A              Sorry?

Receptionist       For your friend....an appointment has just opened up for Friday.

Person A              What?

Receptionist       Well, do you want it or not?....The appointment?

Standing looking bewildered and shaking his head.

Person B              Take the appointment!  Take the appointment! (shouting)

 Receptionist      Ok, we’ll see you on Friday morning at 10.30, don’t be late.

Person A              So, how long will it be after he’s seen the doctor?

Receptionist       Well, once he gets his referral, his name will go on the list.

Person A              What?  A list?

 Receptionist      Yes, everybody goes on the list now.

Person A              Sorry, just bear with me for one minute.  He can’t see a doctor for 2 weeks (trying to stay calm)

Receptionist       Now, now that’s not true, don’t forget, he got an appointment for Friday.

Person A              Ok... he did......but then he has to go on a waiting list. (taking deep breaths) Ok, now how long is the waiting list?

Receptionist       Well, the waiting list at the moment is 10 months.

Person A              10 months!  You cannot be serious!!?  10 months!  To see someone to fix a broken leg.  This is a joke, this has to be a joke!  (exploding with anger)  How the hell is he supposed to manage for 10 months with a broken leg?

Receptionist       Well, as I said before it would probably be best to sit down more.  You know, I saw this in a film one time. A man was injured out in the jungle, it was his leg too, and they tied a piece of wood to it and taped it up.  You could try that.  It would keep him going,... you know.....until you get to see the specialist.  And, you never know....you might get lucky again.

Person A              What do you mean, lucky?   Again?

Receptionist       Well, someone might...you know...(lowering her voice) pass on...

Person A              What?

Receptionist       Pass on... you know...like before...(nodding over in the direction of the man who collapsed) that’s been happening a lot recently.  We’re saving an absolute fortune.  The government thinks it’s great.  It’s a wonder someone didn’t think of it before.

Person A              What the hell is going on here? (almost hysterical)

Receptionist       Well, I don’t know what you mean?

Person A              I brought my friend in here, he can’t see a doctor for 2 weeks and then he’s going to have to go on a list and wait another 10 months.

Receptionist       But he’s seeing the doctor on Friday.  You were lucky, other people have to wait too, you know.

Person A              And this is supposed to be a health SERVICE?

Receptionist       Well, it’s not my responsibility,  I don’t even vote so don’t blame me for what the government does...(getting angry, she stands up)  and anyway that’s how it’s been for mental health for years and I didn’t hear you complaining then.

Person A              What are you talking about, you....you....?

Receptionist       Look, that’s the way it is and there’s nothing you can do about it.  You were lucky he got an appointment for Friday.  My friend’s son had depression and killed himself before he even got to see the doctor.   You should think yourself lucky he only has a broken leg!

Person A              Standing, looking at her with his mouth open

Receptionist       Well, it’s time for my break....(leaves)

Person A moves over to person B

Person A              I don’t believe this...(stunned) I’m sorry.  (helps him up, he groans and they move towards the exit).....here I tell you what...my brother in law has a pair of crutches....from when he broke his ankle, remember......playing footie.  I’m sure he would lend them to you.....(they hobble off stage)

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